The Assassinated Press

Letter to Mr. Cheney On The Fortuitous Departure Of Jean-Bertrand Aristide


It is indeed gratifying that you, Colin Powell, Donald Rumsfeld et al have added kidnapping to your long list of crimes. Since 2000 when this administration began skewing international crime statistics heavily toward the U.S. kleptocracy, I've watched, with great amusement mixed with not a little excitement, your growth as a anti-democratic thug. In my long experience I must say your transformation from a petty legislative criminal to an international crime boss is stunning. Could the Hague be in your future? Wouldn't that be exciting!?

Also, could you provide me with any information you possess on who might have slipped that cell phone to Mr. Aristide in the CAR? It is indeed unfortunate that Mr. Aristide was able to contact Randall Robinson, Maxine Waters AND Charles Rangel. Corroboration? Do you have some plan for dealing with this? How do you plan to go about silencing Robinson, Waters and Rangel? What should I look for? Flight schedules? After all people other than the official press, when they hear Powell and Rumsfeld deny the story are going to say, "Well, what do you expect kidnappers to say. Criminals always lie about their crimes when they're caught out." Rumsfeld and Powell, especially, have no credibility at all after the WMD thing. People in my office were laughing at Mr. Powell earlier when he appeared on CNN. Of course, all the people in my office are black. I mean real black. Better use Roger Noriega. Nobody knows who he is.

I've always been curious about who actually reads these White House emails and how they are quantified e.g. molded into agitprop. Could you give me a rundown on that?

I never thought my tax money could purchase felonies at such an enormous rate and such large and exotic ones to boot, and this right after Clinton! How does felonoius activity translate into predicting stock value?

Finally, I also greatly appreciate the transparency of the high crimes and misdemeanors of Mr. Cheney's administration. It makes it easier to talk about them with friends. Best, Major General Smedley Darlington Butler

Mr. Cheney's Warm Reply

Thank you for emailing Vice President Cheney. Your ideas and comments are very important to him.

Unfortunately, because of the large volume of email received, the Vice President cannot personally respond to each message. However, the White House staff considers and reports citizen ideas and concerns.

Again, thank you for your email. Your interest in the work of Vice President Cheney and the administration is appreciated.

Sincerely, The White House Office of E-Correspondence

A Cordial Response

Dear Mr. Cheney,

Thank you for your prompt and very personal reply. I must admit that I'm surprised that you receive heavy volumes of mail. I assumed that the charismatic Mr. Bush would have gotten all the attention. I thought that perhaps you might even be lonely. By the way, have you told Mr. Bush about Haiti yet?

There is no need to answer my questions concerning the fate of Randall Robinson, Maxine Waters and Charles Rangel. I dined with State Dept. spokesman Richard Boucher and his lovely wife this evening and after a couple of excellent chablis', Richard told me what you have in store for them. Quite unsavory, but effective. Yours, General Butler

Trying To Stay On Top Of A Rapidly Changing Market

Dear Mr. Cheney,

I just got off the phone with my broker and he thinks it is an optimal time to buy textile and garment stocks that use Haitian corvee labor. Do you agree? Can you assure me that Haiti will remain 'stable' e.g. no unions and no minimum wage if I choose to reinvest there?

Oh, by the way, your Kellogg Brown and Root stock tips vis a vis Iraq were excellent. My wife, in particular thanks you. She loves the Bentley. Yours, General Butler

P.S. What about Venezuelan oil and Cuban sugar?

A Decisive, Churchillian Reply

My Dear General Butler,

Not only is it a propitious time to buy Haitian coup stock, but as an American citizen it is your patriotic duty to do so. If you like I can give you the fax number of one of my Goldman Sachs brokers who should be able to answer your questions concerning Venezuela and Cuba. Many thanks for your support of the coup and the kidnapping. Your friend, Vice President Dick Cheney