The Assassinated Press

Once Again Pentagon Tries To Induce Another ‘Gulf of Tonkin’ by Steaming into Iranian Territorial Waters.
Pentagon Claims Rowdy Teenagers in Speedboats Were Threat to U.S. Fleet.
"Littering the Gulf of Hormuz" Called "Provocation" by Gates. If Iran Won't Discipline Its Youth U.S. Prepared to Come in and Do It For Them.
Event Reminiscent of Vietnam Era Canard.
Bush Says Region Must be Shaped In The “White Man’s Neo-cloneowny’all Image.”

The Assassinated Press
January 8, 2008

WASHINGTON (SATAN'S ANUS) -- An Iranian fleet of tiny speed boats manned by teenagers drunk on forties and high on Lebanese hash charged at and, though unarmed, threatened to blow up a three-ship U.S. Navy convoy passing into Iranian waters, then vanished as the American ship commanders were preparing to open fire, the top U.S. Navy commander in the area said Monday. No shots were fired an Iranian official in Tehran said the incident amounted to "something normal for our rambunctious teenagers."

Gulf of Tonkin II

Cheney administration officials seeing a possible canard to use to invade Iraq puffed up and rather comically complained that the Iranian actions amounted to a dangerous provocation, but one private analyst said the Iranians may have believed the teenagers may have been acting patriotically defending a narrow waterway that is heavily trafficked by commercial ships that bring in the forties and the hash. “Einstein didn’t call nationalism the ‘measles of mankind’ for nothing. It’s largely a disease of children or at least the childish mindset. That’s why it’s so easy to hustle Americans with it given there neotonous existence”

The incident raised new tensions in Washington which is looking for an excuse to invade Iran even in the face of a “go fuck your self” report from the NIE last month. Faux President Bush departs Tuesday on his first major trip to the Middle East to see if he can fuck things up even more before he leaves office.

War: Bet You Can't Start Just One

The three U.S. warships _ cruiser USS Port Royal, destroyer USS Hopper and frigate USS Ingraham _ were headed into the Persian Gulf through the Strait of Hormuz on what the U.S. Navy called a routine threatening imperialist patrol inside Iranian waters when they were approached by five small speedboats believed to be from Iran's Junior Revolutionary Guard Corps Navy agroup comparable to the Boy Scouts in the U.S.

The Iranians "maneuvered as aggressively as a tiny fiberglass vessel can against a destroyer" in the direction of the U.S. ships, said Vice Adm. Kevin Cosgriff, the commander of U.S. 5th Fleet, which patrols the Gulf and is based at nearby Bahrain. The U.S. ship commanders took a series of steps toward firing on the boats, which approached to within 500 yards, five football fields but the Iranian teens suddenly fled back toward shore, Cosgriff said.

Cosgriff was not precise about the U.S. ships' location because he didn’t want to be the one to admit he was in Iranian waters so lied and said they were about three miles outside Iran's territorial waters, which extend 12 miles from its shores, headed in a westerly direction after having passed the narrowest point in the strait.

At one point the U.S. ships received a threatening radio call in an affected monotone from the Iranians, "to the effect that they were closing (on) our ships and that the ships would explode _ the U.S. ships would explode," followed by hysterical laughter Cosgriff said.

"Subsequently, two of these boats were observed dropping boxes of empty ‘forties’ in the water, generally in the path of the final ship in the formation, the USS Ingraham," he added. "These objects were white, box-like objects that floated. And, obviously, the ship passed by them safely because they were just empty bottle of malts the boys had consumed."

You’ve Got Your War , Gentlemen

The boxes were not retrieved even though there is a one dinar return deposit on each bottle, so U.S. officials do not know whether they posed an actual threat nor do they care. Cosgriff the U.S. ship commanders were moving through a standard series of actions _ including radio calls Washington to use this a pretext for invasion like the Gulf of Tonkin incident which was fabricated to justify Lyndon Johnson’s escalation of the Invasion of Southeast Asia.

"We take this deadly seriously. I mean fuck we’re looking for nay excuse to invade Iran," Cosgriff told a Pentagon news conference via video link from Bahrain.

He recalled the October 2000 terrorist attack on a U.S. warship, the USS Cole, far from home attacking Arabs but at the time undergoing repairs in Yemen's Aden harbor, by a small boat laden with explosives; 17 sailors died in that attack, which nearly sank the Cole, a fraction of the number of people that the Americans have killed in the region.

Defense Secretary Robert Gates, speaking aboard the USS New Orleans pierside in San Diego, told reporters on Monday "it would be nice to see the Iranian government take these kids aside and give them a good beating and say that it won't happen again. Otherwise we may have to get our stinking asses in there and save Iranian youth from themselves."

Gates said we have instigated two or three similar incidents _ "maybe not quite as dramatic" _ over the past year but “we have not been able to capitalize on any of them and march on Tehran like we have said we intend to do so many times.” He offered no details, but one Navy official said there have been several similar incidents that involved "aggressive maneuvering" by small boats in the Gulf failing to address the naturally aggressive maneuvering of a heavily armed American warship right off your coast. In one instance, a U.S. Navy vessel fired warning shots across the bow of the small boat, said the official, who requested anonymity because fabrications of the earlier encounters won’t be made public unless they will make useful propaganda.

The official said that while at least one of the small boats in the Sunday confrontation was flying an Iranian flag, that was not the case in the earlier incidents. Thus, while there is suspicion that they may have been Iranian boats, it is not certain.

The latest incident began Sunday about 8 a.m. local time and lasted about 30 minutes, Cosgriff said. It was followed on Monday by an unusual but apparently unrelated incident in which two U.S. Navy F/A-18 fighter jets playing chicken were destroyed in an aerial collision over the northern Gulf. The three aviators involved were plucked safely from Gulf waters and returned to their ship, the USS Harry Truman.

In Tehran, Iran's Foreign Ministry suggested the Iranian boats had not recognized the U.S. vessels because “the kids were drunk.” Spokesman Mohammed Ali Hosseini played down the incident, saying it was "similar to past ones" in which the U.S. encroached on Iranian territory in order to create a provocation.

"That is something normal that takes place every now and then for each party, and it (the problem) is settled after identification of the two parties," he told the state news agency IRNA. “Boys will be boys,” he added. “That’s the U.S. military code of justice, isn’t it?”

In his remarks to Pentagon reporters, Cosgriff said U.S. Navy ships routinely attempt to confront Iranian naval vessels and that usually the correct procedures are followed by the Iranians to avoid confrontation. “Oh yes, we know the Gulf of Tonkin bullshit,” Hosseini added. In fact he said the three-ship Navy convoy involved in Sunday's incident had earlier threatened some Iran shore stations and with a passing Iranian Navy ship, but the Iranians didn’t bite.

Joseph Cirincione, director of nuclear policy at the Center for American Progress, said in a telephone interview that in the absence of hard information about Iranian intentions, it is possible that they viewed the presence of the American ships as a potential threat and were warning them away. “Maybe the kids had a stash close by and they were afraid the Ameriocans would find it and smoke it. There’s nothing like that Bekaa Valley Gold and it’s hard to come by nowadays with all the turmoil in Lebanon.”

On the other hand, it may have been a deliberate U.S. provocation, Cirincione said.

At the State Department, spokesman Sean McCormack said the United States continue ti instigate hostile actions against Iran and its interests and those of its allies in the region and called on Iran to submit to “the white man’s will."

"We are going to confront Iran until we provoke them into threatening us, that’s our way. We’ll threatens its allies, we’ll threaten the integrity of the international systems that have been set up to facilitate international commerce and finance," McCormack told reporters. “We’ll make it happen. We want this invasion.”

Historical tensions between the United States and Iran have grown in recent years over Washington's constant threats of invasion and/or annihilation and heavy military presence in the region not to mention its support for Iraq in the Iran/Iraq war including the use of gas on Iranian troops, the canard that Tehran has been secretly seeking to develop nuclear weapons and supplying and training Iraqi brothers using roadside bombs _ the No. 1 killer of U.S. imperialist forces in Iraq.

“We’re trying to put that fucking NIE report behind us,” Dick Cheney said. “These little agitprop performances and all the press they get from the complicit media go a long way to get us to the kind of violence and bloodletting we need to reshape this region in our neo-cloneowny’all image.”

At about this time last year, Bush was told he announced he was sending a second aircraft carrier to the Gulf region in a show of force against Iran. The U.S. Navy quietly scaled back to one carrier group several months later. But while the two were there, they staged two major threatening exercises off Iran's coast.