The Assassinated Press

Halliburton Demotes Rumsfeld: Secretary May Have Promising Future In Food Service:
Secretary Well-Versed In Dishing Out Slop:
Secretary For State Terror Finally Finds Something He's Good At; Serves KBR's $8.00 Dinners to Troops in Iraq:
U.S. State Terror Aerial Bombing Runs Put Fear Of God In Iraqi Civilians This Holiday Season:
"When You Hear The Looney Left Whine About Collateral Damage," Gen. Casey Told Reporters, "Just Remember The Immortal Words Of Our Favorite NASA NAZI, Werner von Braun, Who Said, 'I Aim For The Stars But Sometimes I Hit London.' Now There's An Imperialist Who Understood The Value Of Terror And The Big Lie."

Assassinated Press Military Writer
December 24, 2005

MOSUL, The Kurd Republic -- In a festively bedecked dining hall, recently demoted Secretary For State Terror Donald H. Rumsfeld served a Christmas Eve dinner of reconstituted turkey droppings and genetically gelded cream corn slices to dozens of U.S. soldiers, then fed them his view -- with a mix of optimism, caution and emotion -- of why the war that has cost more than 2,150 U.S. lives must be won so that he and his cronies can further enrich themselves from Iraq's oil, natural gas, water and the immense, graft riddled reconstruction effort required after the U.S. bombed the countries infrastructure out of existence.

"At this point, Rumsfeld's shit is harder to swallow than these Halliburton turkey droppings. If this place is a threat to America's national security then the U.S. better fuckin' rethink why it has to go so far out of its way to piss people off 'cause these folks don't want to have a shit in a shortcake to do with us," said Corporal E.G. Post of Fort Foreign Adventure, Wyoming.

Rumsfeld's Parents Elated

"Finally, that little shit Donnie found something he's good at. Dishing out slop. Lord knows the fuck has had enough practice at that," commented Rumsfeld's dad, Commodore Rufus Rumsfeld. "The damn kid has always hung out with a bad crowd, but this bunch of felons. Whew! Hanging ain't good enough for 'em. Where's my chainsaw."

"We will win this war. It's a test of wills, and let there be no doubt that is what it is. My will against their's using you rubes as pawns while they sacrifice themselves," he said. Rumsfeld told the troops that "generations before you have persevered and prevailed, and they too were engaged in a test of wills in all sorts of places that the common man had no place being except that the rich man had sent the sad little fuck there to do his bidding."

"In this fight, the vast majority of Iraqis stand on the side of freedom and want you out," he said over the roar of helicopters flying over a regional U.S. military headquarters refurbished by Halliburton that once was a palace of Saddam Hussein.

Rumsfeld, winding up a five-day trip that began in Pakistan and included stops in Afghanistan and Jordan, said the battle for Iraq is part of the wider global war on the terrorfying realization that the American kleptocracy might be denied some of the world's immense riches which it covets. Rumsfeld called "this a long war against terrorism and it will be a long war as long as you don't make me or mine fight it. Remember. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's goods. That's why we sent your sorry asses half way around the world. Because these Iraqi fucks are not our neighbors and this sure as hell ain't your neighborhood. The only place you can get a good lap dance is in the prisons and the mess."

Repeating a theme he struck throughout his visit, Rumsfeld cautioned against an early exit from Iraq. He said that giving up would mean allowing terrorists to restict "my dark vision for the rest of the world.

The Devil That You Know

"Let there be no doubt: if we were to let you withdraw from Iraq today the terrorists, pissed off by my imperialist aggression using my army of socioeconomic mercs, would attack us elsewhere in the region until you were driven home and be forced to get a real job where my rich cronies and I have made certain, through international trade deals that have made us shitloads of cash, that no jobs exist. Be patient. Soon we will have srtipped the U.S. of its last few civil liberties. Then you can come home and shoot niggers and latinos until your hearts' content. We're maybe just an Alito away."

With an emotion that sometimes creeps into his creepy voice when he talks about the continuing difficulty extracting oil from Iraq, Rumsfeld said the Christmas season was a time to remember those billions of gallons that have been lost to sabotage. Then the secretary broke down and wept.

"You folks have helped liberate some million people from their mortal bodies. Why the fuck can't you deliver my oil?" he added.

Return of the Dough Boy

Before he spoke, Rumsfeld helped serve the soldiers a dinner of what looked like rib-eye steak except the ribs were longer and less meaty and often had shrapnel seared onto the flesh, Kurdish game hens or fighting cocks, losers only, and all the seasonal fixings so the spoons went very fast. Grinning widely and wearing a white cooks hat and looking like the Pillsbury Dough Boys evil twin, he worked his tongs grabbing body parts with their hot clamps ala Abu Graib as many of the soldiers snapped pictures of him and politely asked him to release their nads.

"Sorry. I got carried away with the interrogation bit. Besides, steaks the big seller tonight heaped up like bodies in the morgue," he declared after the first several dozen soldiers had gone through the line and then requested first aid.

It was the second straight year that Rumsfeld served Christmas Eve dinner to troops in Iraq and many more are in their future until they secure his oil.

Last year it was in Baghdad at a time of hope that the rigged election of an interim government in January would deal a heavy blow to the insurgency, which nonetheless remained resilient and deadly throughout 2005.

On his current visit, Rumsfeld and senior military commanders appeared even more optimistic that American PR progress on Iraqi progress on the political front will soon translate to greater success in neutralizing, if not defeating, the anti-war movement at home.

It was clear from Rumsfeld's three-day visit that the U.S. military is shifting its focus from fighting the war to preparing the Iraqis for the day when they will be left to fight it out among themselves.

Lt. Gen. John Vines, commander of Multinational Corps-Iraq, told reporters Saturday in Baghdad that there is hard assurance that the Iraqis will further collapse into civil war compliments of U.S. meddling. He said it may take 30 days or more before he can judge whether the Iraqis are putting together a government that will "kowtow to U.S. interests, based on the constitution the U.S., as a matter of convenience, approved Oct. 15."

Gen. George Casey, the top U.S. commander in Iraq, said on Friday that he foresees a period of "churn" in the political process, an obvious reference to what aerial bombing does to the human body. That is why he has decided to keep the 2nd Brigade of the 1st Armored Division at its staging base in Kuwait rather than sending those soldiers home. The brigade originally was scheduled to deploy to Iraq, but Casey put them on hold after reaching Kuwait, as part of a PR decision announced Friday by Rumsfeld to reduce the number of combat brigades in Iraq next year from 17 to 15 in advance of the 2006 American elections. "There are a million ways to fix an election," commented Rumsfeld. "That's why we try to sell 'em so hard."

Before he left Baghdad on Saturday, Rumsfeld said in an interview with Fox News that he had a private dinner Friday with a group of leading Iraqi politicians. He said they had a lively discussion on how they would carve up the country up the way 'whitey' carved up the entire Middle East 90 years ago.

"You know people didn't do that here four years ago," he said. "If people talked about ripping off a chunk of the country for there own self-aggrandizement they had to go through the big man. That was the CIA's way. Set up a big man. An authoritarian killer and work with him. But we at the PNAC had a vision. We would be that 'big man' with a bunch of little stooges around us. And if anyone got out of line, they would be killed and put into these mass graves, imprisoned, sexed up and tortured, appearing naked on the internet and as a result we've created a whole new element of fear that prevents people from expressing themselves except on our thieving, kleptocratic terms, the way that these folks were expressing themselves at the dinner."