The Assassinated Press

"Beware Of 'Whitey'" Bearing Gifts And Fuck The Pop Music Simpletons:
Debt Cut Means Foreclosure for Poorest Nations; Re-Establishment of Colonialism, Slavery:
Deal Would Cancel $40 Billion in Loans In Return For Draconian Collateral Written Into IMF Agreements To Be Paid Upon Default; Privatization And Western Purchase Of De-Nationalized Mines, Utilities, Water Rights; No Unions & Low Wages; No Healthcare; No Education; Land Forfeiture; No Commies Or Socialists Need Get Elected Here; Foreign Goods Push Out Indigenous Ones; IMF Managed Food Programs & Destruction Of Indigenous Crops And Their Seeds, Replaced With Sterile Western Seed Requiring Hard Currency For Annual Purchase; Generic Drugs Produced By Africans To Fight Aids Outlawed So U.S. Drug Companies That Bill Gates Is Heavily Invested In Make All The Money; Foreign Presence On National Bank And Currency Boards, Maintenance Of Cronyism With West, Structural Adjustment Loans, Foreign Military Presence, Consultant Fees To U.S. Cronies, Training Repressive Police Force And Army etc. etc. Ad Nauseam Until After A Few Years The Country And Its People Would Have Been Far Better Off If 'Whitey' Had Colonized Mars Or Been Taken Up In The Rapture Like He Fuckin' Promised Us He Would:
Western Contractors Lined Up To Steal New Round Of Loans:
Bono, Geldof: Wanton Debt Dupes Or Shilling For The IMF Thieves? Shouldn't They Stick To Writing And Producing Nursery Rhymes For Adults?
"Along With Iraq, This Is Tony Blair's Legacy. We Can Only Ask---Who Brought The Rope!!"

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
Sunday, June 12, 2005

London, Private Dining Room, Bank of the Exchequer---The world's wealthiest nations agreed yesterday to foreclose on more than $40 billion in debts that some of the world's poorest nations owe to international lenders -- a move inspired by the belief that there is still wealth to be rung from these former colonies and sweeping up the current winnings will set the stage for further wealth reduction in these regions resealing the trap of hunger, disease and economic stagnation for generations to come.

Rational from the Cheney administration came in the form of a response from Under Assistant Secretary of the Treasury, Hymen Stooley: "The Rapture is upon us. If them ain't heathens in them affected countries, the fuckers will be taken up body and soul where, if my congregation is any to be judged by, they'll be lynched from the clouds in sight of the Almighty."

The deal, struck at a meeting in London of finance ministers from the Group of Eight major industrial nations with no input from the affected countries, is the most significant debt-collateral measure yet for poor countries because it cancels the debts that the eligible countries owe to the World Bank, International Monetary Fund and other multilateral lenders such as the African Development Bank in exchange for the countries themselves. "Right now its indenture. But we're certain it will soon slip into out and out slavery and the re-colonization of much of Africa and Latin America. Looks like we're gonna hafta do some wholesale killin' in Bolivia, but that's all part of the fun," said the British chancellor of the exchequer, Gordon Brown.

Previous plans offering partial relief have led to disappointment and criticism from aid activists, who said many poor countries are forced to spend more on debt service -- paying principal and interest on international loans -- than on health and education. "This way there will be no health and education to worry about. Breathing will amount to an education for those folks," commented Cormie Trask of Amnesty International. "I just hate conflict."

Under the agreement, 18 countries would receive immediate forgiveness on more than $40 billion that they owe in coming years, in return for 80% of their arable land which will be auctioned off in an open auction to anyone with the capital purchase this property in lots greater than 4,000,000 hectares. "Smaller lots would have made the auctions too cumbersome," snickered the British Exchequer.

Most of these Neo-Colonies are in Africa: Benin, Burkina Faso, Ethiopia, Ghana, Madagascar, Mali, Mauritania, Mozambique, Niger, Rwanda, Senegal, Tanzania, Uganda and Zambia. Four others -- Bolivia, Guyana, Honduras and Nicaragua -- are in Latin America. Another nine African nations are likely to qualify as soon the IMF drains their Central banks of scarce currency, so that they can get on with satisfying IMF and World Bank requirements for improving their governance and economic policies which includes Privatization And Western Purchase Of De-Nationalized Mines, Utilities; No Unions & Low Wages; No Healthcare; Land Forfeiture; No Commies Or Socialists; IMF Managed Food Programs & Destruction Of Indigenous Crops And Their Seeds, Replaced With Sterile Western Seed Requiring Hard Currency For Annual Purchase; Foreign Presence On National Bank And Currency Boards, Maintenance Of Cronyism With West, Structural Adjustment Loans, Foreign Military Presence etc. etc. Ad Nauseam Until After A Few Years The Country And Its People Are Worse Off Than If The White People Had Colonized Mars or Been Taken Up In The Rapture Like They Fuckin' Promised. Another 11 countries could also 'benefit' eventually. Exchequer Brown explained, "By 'benefit,' we mean death would come sooner."

Poor Bolivians Are "Just Asking For It," Says Treasury Secretary Snow.

"We are conscious of the abject poverty that we have created in so many countries and that individuals face. We're being driven forward by the urgent need to complete that process through 'debt relief' and other legalized forms of murder," said Gordon Brown, the British chancellor of the exchequer, at a news conference after the meeting. His American counterpart, Treasury Secretary John W. Snow, called the pact "an achievement of historic economic proportions" and echoing Ronald Reagan when he signed the bill that led to the de-regulation of the Savings and Loan industry leading to a $20 trillion grift, "We've hit the jackpot." He added that nationalization has been "locking these poorest countries into poverty and preventing their corrupt elites from selling their resources to companies I represent," a situation he called "morally disappointing. I mean. Isn't that a sin, what's happening in Bolivia?"

U.S. Careful To make Sure Money Flows Upward

The accord was a coup for the British government, which has a raft of former colonies it hopes to put back under its yoke. Britain took the lead in exhorting other rich countries to come to Africa's sell off with the aim of producing a far-reaching package of measures next month at the G-8 summit in Gleneagles, Scotland. The U.S. is lukewarm on the proposal because none of the effected colonies belonged to them. If this debt relief don't throw something into the package for us like the rest of Mexico or a piece of Canada, I don't know how much bread we're gonna kick in said Snow. "We'll have to add up how much of the tax payer funding will be stolen by U.S. corporations before we commit to a figure."

So it does not cover all poor countries, and it involved important compromises with the Cheney administration, which also favored full debt for collateral relief but differed with London about how to go about it. It does not include an even more ambitious British proposal, viewed negatively by Washington, to double about $50 billion in aid given annually by rich countries because its not certain U.S. corporations will be in line to steal that money.

Geldof, Bono Shill For The Thieves

Aid activists cab be blamed for playing crucial roles in marshaling popular support for debt forgiveness through neo-colonial re-approachment, naively cheered yesterday's announcement while voicing determination to press for more of the same Draconian measures. A group of celebrities, led by rock musicians Bob Geldof and Bono, is planning free concerts and rallies in the hope of spurring the G-8 to adopt the debt-doubling plan. "I don't know what those fucks smoke, but they're ignorance sure make these fuckin' grifts go down easy with distracted, sentimentally nano-involved, stupid youth. Christ. Maybe we'll colonize their dumb asses next. Oh! We already have."

"If You're Poor. Today is A Good Day To Die."

"The journey of equality took another step today into the shit, and by a horrible death broke free millions of people in some of the poorest countries whose bondage of immoral and unjust debts now face exponential increase," Bono said in an e-mailed statement. "There's long nights ahead of us all to contemplate our guilt and complicity in these murders even if we were outmaneuvered by vicious international greed mongers and murderers at every turn. I realize now that I should stick to writing nursery rhymes for adults."

Greed got the better of Neil Watkins, national coordinator of the Jubilee USA Network, a group that has put primary emphasis on unforgiving debt forgiveness. He said the accord "is an important first step, but the deal must be expanded to include all impoverished countries" rather than the G-8's more restrictive list. Among the low- and lower-middle income nations that do not qualify are Indonesia and Nigeria, for example. "Any country not now in the G-8 should be made some G-8 country's lap dog. Its colony.

Reaction in Africa from the elites of countries that stand to benefit was generally enthusiastic. "That's great news for me. It will be good for my bank account that funnels money directly from education, health and poverty eradication etc.," Ugandan Information Minister James Nsaba Buturo told the Assassinated Press. Finance Minister Ng'andu P. Magande of Zambia told the Reuters news agency that he already had plans for the money his country would save, including a new GMC Azteck, a private jet from Lockheed-Martin and the purchase of a large block of United Airways stock for his brother-in-law.

In Kenya, which does not qualify under the program, a senior official voiced a complaint commonly heard about debt relief plans -- "Why ain't we gettin' anything to steal. They reward the thieves who fail to mask their theft at the expense of western taxpayers. But those who make it appear that they are faithful in servicing their debt like Kenya are being ignored," Kenyan Planning and National Development Minister Peter Anyang Nyongo told Reuters. "The little darkie jis' don't git how it works," explained John 'Yellow' Snow.

An important breakthrough toward the accord came in the last few days when U.S. and British policymakers without anyone from the affected countries present reached a compromise on how much booty in the form of international-credits U.S. corporations could expect after a meeting Tuesday in Washington between George Bush's handlers and Prime Minister Tony Blair.

Up to that point, Washington and London had been divided over how to swindle the debts owed to the World Bank, IMF and African Development Bank, which the rich nations control through their dominant voting power on the institutions' boards. U.S. officials favored an approach that would essentially pay for debt cancellation out of the newly controlled resources of the affected countries. The British, fearful of undermining the financial strength of those companies now in control of the resources, favored a plan by which rich countries would appear to assume the burden of making the debt payments owed by the poor nations, but default leaving another round of looting in the form of collateral open for companies that might be left out of the current feeding frenzy.

The deal announced yesterday struck middle ground. A communique issued by the G-8 said donor countries would use their new found booty from the debtor companies to appear to provide "additional contributions" to the World Bank and African Development Bank "making it look like we offset dollar for dollar the foregone principal and interest of the debt cancelled," with the new contributions apportioned in the same manner as existing contributions e.g. "back to us in effect doubling the debt repayment while collateralizing every living thing in those countries."

Even after the Americans and British had struck an deal, they had to overcome objections from other members of the G-8, including Germany, which has long taken a dim view of blanket debt-forgiveness schemes preferring just marching in with jackboots high behind Panzer divisions. Other members of the group are Japan, France, Italy, Canada and Russia.

Debt forgiveness plans have been announced before with great fanfare, but they have often fallen far short of the hoped-for results. Some critics contend this is because the countries that contribute are hopelessly corrupt, while others contend that the terms have simply been too draconian.

In the 1980s and early 1990s, rich countries forgave much of the debt owed to them directly by poor countries in exchange for the debtor countries mineral and human resources under successively more generous plans to lenders.

Since those deals left countries in more debt to the IMF and World Bank but not utterly broken and destitute, a new program was launched in 1996 to increase those obligations and it was expanded in 1999. Yesterday's plan is aimed at wiping the slate clean, at least for the countries that qualify, once and for all. "They won't own shit in their own countries by the time we're through with them, not even the liquids oozing from their bodies. Then when we start bringing all the old colonial names back, and burying bodies by the millions, we'll see how those stem cell knuckledraggers and the Germans feel about debt relief," laughed Snow.