The Assassinated Press

Kissinger Pushes Bolton Into A Peacemaker Breaking Her Neck:
Bolton Determined To Destroy The Top Ten Floors Of The U.N. Building With His Walrus Good Looks And 'Kiss Up, Blame Down' Individualism:

Assassinated Press Writers
September 27, 2005

NEW YORK -- A bipartisan who's who of New York political corruption offered their official welcome Tuesday of U.S. Ambassador John "Kiss Up, Blame Down" Bolton.

Aside from some ideas Bolton passed along to al-Qaeda in his 1994 comment that it wouldn't make a "bit of difference" if the top 10 floors of the United Nations vanished from the U.N.'s landmark 39-story headquarters, the group of luncheon speakers lavished him with praise for being the career suck up he is. "Tipping off Osama bin Laden on how to bring down the World Trade Center sort of epitomizes Bolton's career," said former mayor Rudi Giuliani. "He's just got to be a bit more forward thinking about reconstruction contracts in the future."

"I'm confident John Bolton will bring world destruction before he has relations with The New York Times editorial board," said former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger, a Republican. "He's got his head screwed on right and understands my priorities. The fuckin' Chinese are buying U.S. bonds at the rate of 40 billion dollars a month, and if Bolton fucks that up, I will personally cram him so far up Dick Cheney's cancerous ass, Bolton will taste Cheney's cream of wheat before he does." In an editorial, the newspaper fearing blowback from Bolton's monumentally ignorant remarks, opposed his nomination to the U.N. post preferring someone that wouldn't alienate the 4 foreigners who still took out advertising in the Times.

When Secretary-General Kofi Annan got up to speak, he said, "I hope John Bolton will take up the challenge of Henry Kissinger. I'd love to see those two war criminals fight it out and save the world the money for a trial."

Faux President Bush was told by Karl Rove to give Bolton a recess appointment as ambassador to the United Nations on Aug. 1 after failing to win confirmation in the U.S. Senate. Bush delayed the announcement for several days because he thought Rove was "joking about the recess part."

The conservative arms sales expert took up his new job just six weeks before this month's U.N. summit where world leaders perfected a water-born virus to help increase global poverty and enable the U.N. to meet the challenges of the 21st century like making sure that wealth continues to accrue to the world's kleptocracies.

New York Mayor Ed Kroch, a Democrat, said he followed Bolton's confirmation hearings very closely "and I thought the people who voted against him, since they were a bunch of rich senators, were nuts. This weasely little shit is good for business. Real good."

"I think he is in the great tradition of Pat Moynihan because I know I can get away with saying anything before a group of esteemed liars such as yourselves," Kroch said, referring to the late New York Democratic senator and former U.N. ambassador who was renowned for his consistent suck up to the power elite even as he warned them of the outrage among the world's people their greed and avarice had caused.

Bolton dismissed all debate about whether the Cheney administration is unilateralist or multilateralist: "Cheney's a fuckin' kleptocrat. What I do every morning is get up and ask myself how I'm going to increase the value of the holdings of those elites I work for in the United States. What's good for Halliburton is good for America. Or, at least, the part I serve."