The Assassinated Press

Scott Walker, Eagle Scout and Governor, Shows Scouts How to Skin a Rabbit.
Governor introduces new corvee labor for food program to eager Wisconsinites.

The Assassinated Press

On the grounds of the Governor‘s Mansion at Maple Bluffs Wisconsin, Scott Walker displayed some of the skills he learned as an Eagle Scout outside of Delavan.

To this reporter’s untrained eye the rabbit looked already dressed with the odor of garlic and dill emanating from its belly.

Still Walker as though removing one of his wife’s fur coats gently ran a knife blade between the loosened pelt and the slimy muscle of the rodent.

Then the Gov., holding the pelt and beaming told his young audience, “This is Wisconsin’s future and I hope you will be part of it.

“As we embrace the Koch Brothers agenda, the same one that impoverished our dear sister state of Kansas in a mere four years, your skills at foraging for our native dandelions and nannyberries, trapping small rodents like dormice and sewer rats, firing a semi-automatic rifle and knocking off Asian owned liquor stores will prove vital to you and your family’s a survival. “

“That’s why I’d like to announce a new program. Any citizen of our great state of Wisconsin can apply for a hunting and foraging license after paying just $49.95 to Koch Industries, 1451 5th Avenue, McPherson, KS 67460. Grants of $25.00 will be provided for those who can prove they are starving and present 6 forms of photo ID.”

Just then a commotion broke out in the back of the crowd. Two Scouts, Robbie Lewis age 9 and Ken “Furry” Muttle age 10 both of Warstump, Wisconsin were caught trying to steal food from the kitchen of the Governor’s Mansion.

But Walker was quick to jump in and defend the boys:

“Officers let the boys be. The plastic cuffs, batons and stun guns are enough. After all, They’re white. “

“I’m certain that these boys were just hungry and seeing my lunch of 6 pounds of Kobe beef just wanted a taste. “

“We’ll let the courts be the judge. My Kobe beef’s what $400.00 a pound.”

“That’ll make this a felony. I think the 25 years would be sufficient and my good friend Judge Davey ‘The Bitch’ Prosser would agree.“

I got dibs on the guts

Meanwhile, the remaining scouts laid into the skinned rabbit raw, their bloody grateful faces turned upward angelically to the beardless yet pasty Christ-like visage of Walker with his weak chin and beady, close set Down’s Syndrome eyes.

Then after feeding, the scouts took and oath to protect private property, snitch on close family members and learn to eat grubs and crickets and like it.