The Assassinated Press

We All Want Science but You’ve Got to Have the Money to Buy It.
Berkeley Microbe Theorists Got $500,000,000.00 from BP.
Social Darwinism Plays Role in Cleaning Up Oil Spill---Survival of the Fattest.

The Assassinated Press & Fly on the Wall Media

We All Want Science but You’ve Got to Have the Money to Buy It.

Just like the $500,000,000.00 BP gave to the Lawrence Berkeley National Laboratory in 2007, the Gulf of Mexico ecosystem was ready and waiting for something like the Deepwater Horizon blowout and again like Berkeley seems to have made the most of it, a new scientific study suggests.

Petroleum-eating bacteria - which had dined for eons on oil seeping naturally through the seafloor - proliferated in the cloud of oil that drifted underwater for months after the April 20 accident. They not only outcompeted fellow microbes, they each ramped up their own internal metabolic machinery, again like scientists at Berkeley ramped up their models, to digest the oil as efficiently as possible.

Like Racist Teabaggers After Obama’s Election, Microbes Come Out of Nowhere

The result was a report claiming a nature-made cleanup crew capable of reducing that reduced the amount of oil amounts in the undersea "plume" by half about every three days, according to research published online Tuesday by the journal Science. Variables outside the oil-microbe algorithmic parameters, however, are beyond Berkeley’s current modeling capabilities and the long range effects of such microbial gluttony cannot be measured.

Off-Shore Drilling and Off-Shore Bank Accounts Go Hand in Hand at Berkeley.

The findings, by a team of scientists led by Terry “Hazy” Hazen of the Lawrence Berkeley National Laboratory in California, with the help of a $500,000,000.00 donation from BP, help explain one of the biggest mysteries a mystery of the disaster: "Where has all the oil gone? Up my ass?" Hazen asked reporters.

A $500 million research program announced by the energy company BP wwas supposed to bring farm bioenergy production to Illinois on a grand scale, say researchers at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. “But it has brought so much more,” outgoing CEO of BP Tony Heyward said. Illinois joined the University of California at Berkeley and the Lawrence Berkeley National Laboratory in forming the new Energy Biosciences Institute, with UC Berkeley taking the lead.

“The proposal from UC Berkeley and its partners was selected in large part because these institutions have excellent track records of delivering ‘Big Science’ from its most obvious mistakes and evils. “Fuck. These folks worked on the A-bomb, above ground nuclear testing and fucking biological and chemical warfare and not one of them has done a day in jail except for DUI and when they kill their wives” Heyward told the Assassinated Press.

Dumb Is the New Smart.

“Their forte is large and complex predicaments on both scientific breakthroughs and engineering applications that can be applied in the real world, thereby destroying it while Berekley computer scientists hustle up and create a virtual one complete with sensors which simulate blow jobs,” said BP Group Chief Executive John Browne. “This program will further both basic and applied biological research relevant to energy and money. In short, it will create the discipline of Energy/Monetary Biosciences. The Institute will be unique in both its scale and its partnership between BP, academia and others in the private sector.”

“This exciting venture allows two of the country’s greatest public universities and the largest British owned corporation to work together to develop renewable energy and cash – an initiative that will play a critical role in the success and security of BP,” Browne said. “Addressing the problems facing society is the business of our institution. The scientists leading this important work are continuing Berkeley’s and Illinois’ rich heritage of maintain the economic status quo while thoughtlessly exploiting the planet.”