The Assassinated Press

Saddam Hussein We Presume:
Americans Pleased With The Capture Of Anyone With A Face The Media Has Taught Them To Recognize:
Dick Cheney Remains Unidentifiable In Seclusion:
White House Chief Of Stink, Karl Rove: Can You Spell Propaganda Bonanza?:
"Practice What You Screech:" Limbaugh Accuses Hussein Of Hypocrisy For Not Going Down In a Hail Of Subpoenas---I Mean Bullets:
Detroit Celebrates By Offering To Saddamize Your Humvee For $144.95

Ass. Press National Writer
December 14, 2003, 3:14 AM EST

CHICAGO -- Chicago cab driver and roach rancher, James John was jarred from his early morning hand job Sunday by the news on the radio: Saddam Hussein had been captured.

"Holy shit," he said to himself as he released his emergency brake. What does this mean? I re-ran all the O'Reilly Reports over and over in my head and concluded that this was a good thing if when I got back home that evening O'Reilly said it was a good thing." It was shortly after 4 a.m. CST and the 21-year-old was among the first Americans to hear the news. "Gosh. You ask me who Ferdinand Marcos was and I don't the fuck know. You ask me who Pinochet is, and I don't know. And please don't ask me what the Shah was shah of. I don't know. And U.S. death squads in Uruguay and Greece. Please, you're hurting my head. The TV does all my thinking for me and what they want me to think then to the extent I'm able I think I think it. We have 'good guys' and we have 'bad guys.' We are almost always the 'good guys' but when history overwhelmingly contradicts that law of nature and the media's resistance makes them appear too Looney Tunes even for their Chip and Dale audience, they animate a mediated truth of their own which mitigates responsibility for U.S. actions e.g. the slaughter of Korean and Vietnamese civilians during those nasty invasions. But , of course, I only think what little I think I think through TV which is by definition the cornflakes and con jobs of the corporate media. Thus, I think only what they want me to think when they want me to think it. I'm at least certain about that"

"My brother-in-law has too simpleminded a view of life. He says that when Bill Clinton or Dick Cheney intentionally kills tens of thousands of children, its the same as when--- as when Saddam Hussein kills tens of thousands of children. But that can't be. Can it? I don't think my brother-in-law is a very clear thinker because he then goes on to bring up all these facts that show that the U.S. backed Hussein for much of the time he was killing people and even did things like help the Iraqis launch gas attacks against the Iranians. I'm glad they picked him up on that marijuana charge and gave him seven to 20. He's a very inconvenient person to talk to."

"Why am I so verbose at 4 in the morning? Speed."

As a few Iraqis crowded in front of cameras celebrating in the streets of Baghdad and other cities like Portland, many here shook their heads in disbelief.

"Lottsa times I'm listening to the radio and somebody gets picked up by the cops and I don't know who they are unless its a my aunt again. But with Hussein, I immediately recognized his name and I felt part of something instead of the lonely, ignorant American Nothing that I have become. Media does that to you. It's a good thing. He was a bad man so I have been told. My brother-in-law said he used to be our bad man, but that's too simplistic. Anyway he's not our bad man anymore. My brother-in-law died in April from Gulf War Syndrome and I'm glad he's dead. He spoiled Christmas with that tube in his neck and his whining about rich people who, as far as I can see, keep this country great, clean and pure," said Mitzi Muttolo as she filled her pimp's Humvee at a gas station.

Michael Gonzales, 48, of Miami Beach, absorbed the news along with a donut and coffee and reading the newspaper.

"I think it's great they found him, but I'm still having to digest the fact. Or is it the donut? I would have rather have seen him found dead, but then what does it matter what I think," Gonzales said. "He can still instigate a lot of trouble for the Iraqis. I'm trying to be a little more sophisticated than that toad you talked to at the pump so I used the word 'instigate' and expressed mock concern for the Iraqis."

"Did I 'express concern' for the Iraqis when the U.S. propped up Hussein? Well, No. I had never heard of Iraq before Bechtel and Bush Sr. soured on Saddam and began calling him Satan and shit. Then he called Bush Satan back and I didn't think that was right because that's a very heavy thing to call anybody who's christian."

"Did I 'express concern' for the Panamanian people before Bechtel and Bush Sr. began demonizing Manuel Noriega? Well, I knew there was a country called Panama, but I'd never heard of Manuel Noriega until they started bad mouthin' him on TV."

"Marcos and the Philippines? I once took a sex tour there packaged by Kellogg, Brown and Root, but no I've never heard of Ferdinand Marcos and from your description, I hope I never will."

"What's that? Peeno---? Peeno---shay? Nope, never heard of him. Coca Cola? Oh, yeah. Sure, I heard of them. Things go better with it," said Gonzales

"I mean, yo. Here's SadDAM firing guns in the air and lookin' all macho and shit in his fedora and shit and he's run down and shit for months like a bitch, starvin', stankin', caught in a hole with no pussy, no beeper and no bling-bling. Know what I'm sayin'. Now my homely homey, Dickie 'Heart Attack.' that's a bitch. Know what I'm sayin'? Shot 70 quail with his gauge and not one of the bitches was named Dan," added P. Doody to the nationwide debate. "Shit. We and my man, Cheney, was spittin buck shot out the gravy. Do you feel me? Better not be feelin' me there. Know what I'm sayin'?"

For others, the news was more personal.

Alan Zangana, a Kurd who fled Iraq in 1981 after the U.S. double-crossed them, said the phone at his Chula Vista, Calif., home started ringing early Sunday morning with people sharing the reports that the former Iraqi leader had been captured. "I haven't been in the country for a while so I asked 'which leader', the Hashemite king, Henry Kissinger or the Baathist dictator. I was disappointed to hear that Mr. Kissinger was still on the loose and angrily told one caller to only call me when "they capture that double-crossing little Harvard weasel so that I can strangle him with my own bare prosthetic hands."

"I have been waiting for that for the last 35 years and all they got was that former U.S. stooge Saddam, " said Zangana, director of From The Belly Of The Beast Kurdish Human Rights Watch in the San Diego suburb of El Cajones.

Saddam's arrest could alter the violent resistance to the U.S. presence in Iraq since some insurgents were acting against the coalition "because they thought Saddam was alive and would come back and cut their throats," Zangana said. When this reporter asked if it was likely that theoretically having your throat cut by a Saddam on the run compared to most assuredly having your body cut in two by heavy caliber U.S. rounds that formed their immediate reality, Zangaran admitted that the latter was true and that he was a disingenuous fabricator on the U.S. payroll who was searching for a sound bite that he could show his paymasters in Washington as a sign of undying loyalty to the dollar as opposed to the Euro.

"When I saw that tired and beleaguered shit bag , Hussein, come out of that hole without his guns ablazin', I thought even that pussy actor Bruce Willis or, even in my most violent sexual fantasy, I could a takin' him if one of us had 600 special forces in front of them. And all Willis is a windbag purveyor of fantasy violence and a wannabe kleptocrat," offered an optimistic and enthralled Rush Limbaugh. "I mean if you're gonna talk tough like Saddam, practice what you screech. Take 6000 pills, I mean rounds like a man."

Others had thoughts about how Saddam should be punished.

"I would like to say an 'eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth' but that's not right. I think its an eye for a tooth. Or a tooth for an eye. Or maybe its one eye for two teeth. Because its much worse to lose an eye than a tooth. And you can't put an eye under your pillow and expect to get full market value from the Tooth Fairy any more than your HMO. Anyway who's goona buy a used eye. For that matter what do they do with the used teeth? My uncle used to say that in the Big One, Nazi's, who apparently were very thrifty, took gold teeth from the Jews. You can see how smart the Jews were at alchemy, because they were the first people to grow gold teeth in their mouths by using a special mouth wash made of holy water. Now, you can't blame the Nazis for being suspicious of that. My boy friend gave me AIDS after he visited his aunt for the summer and I was very suspicious of that. That's why I don't want the news to change and make me suspicious of people near me. It's too scary. Saddam Hussein? He's half way round the world and practically colored. Put live scorpions up his rectum," said chief prosecutor at the Hague, Carla del Ponte.

Rachel Quarshie, 37, of Dallas said,. "I'd like to just see him break bricks for the rest of his life." "Why not rocks?" we asked. "Oh. Yes. Rocks," she clarified. "Breaking bricks. That's what friends do." "No. That's bread," we suggested. "Break bread? If you want Saddam to do time breaking bread, it better be pretty fuckin' stale like the shit at Food Lion," she added.

But Pika Patel, a 24-year-old Chicagoan, could afford to be less forgiving.

"Just kill him," Patel said. "No trial. I mean I only think I know what I'm allowed to know cause I get all my facts from TV and other mass media. But I say kill him. Which means to say I'm subconsciously confirming that people involved in far more murders than Saddam Hussein should be given the opportunity to kill Hussein. In other words, people like Rumsfeld and Cheney who never pass up an opportunity to kill, get yet again another opportunity to kill. That makes sense to me though I suspect more is involved until I turn on my TV where, with great relief, I'm told far less is involved and even less expected of me. After watching Tod Kripple and the Survivor, I return to 'kill him' and doing my nails. What does that make me? Fortunately, in the eyes of the kleptocracy it makes me what I was before---Nothing. And that is exactly their intent and I'm perfectly content with that."