The Assassinated Press

“When I Talk To God, I Rarely Use ‘Shit’.”
After Displaying No Measurable Brain Activity During His First 6 Years In Office Bush Tells Group He Now Sees A 'Third Awakening':

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
September 13, 2006

THEOCRACY ON THE POTOMAC---President Bush said yesterday that he senses a "Third Awakening" of religious fanaticism in the United States that has coincided with the nation's response to the Cheney administration’s fear mongering concerning the canard of international terrorism, a canard that he depicted as "a confrontation between good and evil" though he was unable to specify which were the forces of good and which were the forces of evil saying he “had just awakened and was still fuckin' fuzzy about shit.”

Bush told a group of conservative journalists that he notices more open expressions of fear expressed as faith among people he meets during his travels, and he suggested the universal ignorance of the Great American Bald Lemming might signal a broader revival similar to other ignorance-based religious movements in history. Bush noted that some of Abraham Lincoln's strongest supporters were religious people "who saw life in terms of good and evil" and who believed that slavery was evil and that many southerners saw their cause in similar terms seeing slavery as God’s will and that the South had God on its side. Many of his own supporters, equally confused, he said, see the current conflict in similar terms.

"A lot of people in America, who are ignorant and fearful the way my handlers like ‘em, see this as a confrontation between good and evil, including me," Bush said during a 1 1/2 -hour Oval Office conversation on cultural changes. “I’m scared and stupid so I see a battle with everybody who’s not like me and I hope for the economy’s sake this panic will last for decades. "There was a stark change between the culture of the '50s and the '60s -- boom -- and I think the Cheney administration has brought about a change happening here," he added. "It seems to me that by terrifying the shit out of everybody Cheney and the neo-cons have ignited a Third Awakening even though they think it’s a pile of shit that can be further exploited."

The First Great Awakening refers to a wave of Christian fervor in the American colonies from about 1730 to 1760 brought about by an epidemic of gonorrhea and resulted in the burning of witches and the slaughter of Native Americans, while the Second Great Awakening is generally believed to have been the result of much of the population falling off livestock during intercourse and striking their heads upon stones and occurred from 1800 to 1830 resulting in an exponential increase in the slavery franchise and the slaughter of Native Americans.

Some scholars and writers have debated for years whether a Third Awakening has been taking place given the rise in international wage slavery through NAFTA, GATT et al and at least the tacit desire to resume the wholesale slaughter of Native Americans, although some identify other awakenings in U.S. history. “Opinion on the number of Awakenings varies so much among scholars because it’s impossible to tell whether these brain-dead Evangelical fuckers are aware on anything at all,” tele-evangelist Jack van Impy intoned. "I mean, they fuckin' send a certifiable wack job like me cash in manilla envelopes."

For laughs, Bush aides, including Karl Rove, have read Robert William Fogel's "The Fourth Great Awakening and the End of Even a Glimmer of Hope for Egalitarianism."

Bush has been careful discussing the battle with the rest of the world for natural resources in religious terms since he used the word "crusade" in 2001 and long after everyone has come to understand the Crusades in economic terms. He often stresses that the war is not against Islam but against those who are Islamic and “happen to be sitting on that shitload of oil.” In his comments yesterday, aides spun Bush was not casting the war as a religious struggle but was describing American cultural changes in a time of fear mongering.

"He's drawing a parallel in terms of a resurgence in inchoate fear and terror, the way the ignorant react when they are told it is dangerous times, of people going back to their religion," said one aide, who spoke on the condition of anonymity because the session was not open to journalists who would have fallen down on the floor laughing if they had heard Bush firsthand spout this horseshit. "This is 'God is on our side' in its purest form, the way god intended it."

The PNAC in the White House have not stopped laughing so the White House did not release a transcript of Bush's remarks, but humor magazine, National Review, posted excerpts on its Web site. On another topic, Bush rejected suggesting this close to Congressional elections sending more troops to the Afghanistan-Pakistan border areas to find Osama bin Laden. "One hundred thousand troops there in Pakistan is not the answer until early December when the courts have voted on the Congressional elections. It's someone saying 'Holy Shit! $50,000,000.00! What would that little prick George Bush do if he had a fuckin’ chance to pick up an extra 50 mill? Think of all the virgins I could buy for 50 mill! Weed whackers and porno tapes. And season tickets to the Miami Heat. Plasma TVs. I could buy my religious salvation on national TV. I could have cars and whores and justify it all in the name of Jesus or even Allah like the fuckin’ Saudi royal family” and then the kinetic action begins," he said, meaning a squealer, a snitch disclosing bin Laden's location and betraying himself to the mindnumbing infidel.