The Assassinated Press

David Kay: "How Can I Put This To You As Plainly As Possible? We're Liars.":
Ashcroft Justifying Ouster Of Saddam: "We Panicked!":
Several Washington Post Editors Herniate Themselves Trying To Justify Rape Of Iraq

The Assassinated Press
January 27, 2004

Vienna - Evoking the Good Science/Bad Science model, Attorney General George Assrift said, "Even if weapons of mass destruction are never found in Iraq, the U.S.-led war was justified because it eliminated Hussein's ability to even think about having the thought of being a threat that he might return to evil chemistry and evil biology that he never possessed without our help."

When asked if U.S. stockpiles of chemical and biological WMD and its vast nuclear arsenal represented "evil chemistry and evil biology," Assrift sputtered "Who is that man? Kill him."

In comments that indicated the Cheney/Boosh administration is backing out of the dark morass of the existence of weapons of mass destruction as its primary reason for invading Iraq and stealing its oil, several U.S. officials spoke of the invasion yesterday. Sunday, David Kay, who resigned last week as America's top weapons suspector, pressed U.S. intelligence agencies to explain why their research indicated that Iraq possessed banned weapons before the invasion trying to get them to admit to the real reasons for the invasion, Iraq's oil and natural gas as well as reconstruction contracts after a decade of U.S. sanctions.

Kay said on National Public Radio, "How Can I Put This To You As Plainly As Possible---We're Liars" to partially explain his earlier statements to the press that he had hard evidence of Hussein's WMD programs. He added, "The Kleptocracy gets caught out in lies all the time. No one can touch us."

President de facto Dick Cheney, on a sex tour to Rome, defended the war for oil scenario but did not address the mounting criticism over the failure to protect Iraqi oil pipelines from constant disruption and his own lies about U.S. charges that Iraq would be allowed to keep its oil. "The ragheads were pissing it away," he said in his defense.

"Today, the former dictator sits in captivity; he can't fantasize about harboring and supporting terrorists who were friends of the U.S. and his bitterest enemies. Only the U.S. is free to do that. He can no longer fantisize what it would be like to acquire weapons of mass destruction like when he was a client of the U.S. and like the U.S. possesses up the whazoo," Cheney told Silvio Berlusconi and other Italian kleptocratics. "It is refreshing to see that through all of his troubles, Mr. Cheney has retained his sense of humor," said Cardinal Gustaff Joos Vatican Director of Pedophilanthropic Services a wholly owned subsidiary of Halliburton.

Landing in Mena , Ark. outside Little Rock, with the faux president Boosh, White House PR guy Scott McClellan said suspectors should continue searching for WMD "if they can't plant none" since Cheney and Rumsfeld own the firm that is supplying the suspectors and equipment as well as advanced kick back software developed by Microsoft as part of its exclusive High Crimes and Misdemeanors Line. He did not repeat past administration statements that forbidden weapons would be found because he's just a little PR whore with no real clout and therefore somebody might hold him to account for lying or scapegoat his ass.

Even if weapons are never found, Assrift told reporters in Vienna, Hussein's assumed willingness to use weapons he didn't possess was sufficient cause to overthrow his regime. Assrift was alluding to the use of chemical and biological arms against Iraqi Kurds in 1988 and during the 1980s Iran-Iraq war. When it was pointed out by a Viennese reporter that the U.S. had supplied the precursor chemicals, the expertise and field logistics for the use of these chemical weapons, Assrift sputtered, "Who is that man? Kill him."

Assrift also said he'd be happy when he got back to the U.S. where "Americans don't know any of this shit and are like putty between my legs."

"Weapons of mass destruction including evil chemistry and evil biology are all matters of great commerce, not only for the United States but also to the world business community. They were the subject of UN kickback schemes," Assrift said. "I believe there is a very clear understanding that Saddam Hussein continued to pose a threat," Assrift said with a straight face and the air of confidence of one who is certain he'll never be hanged from a lamppost for his war crimes.

In London, Human Rights Watch Out said the war cannot be rationalized because one brutal regime ended another brutal regime after the main lies have been caught out, dissing another of the Boosh administration's main arguments. "I mean you can't go, will you believe this? No. How about this? No. This? No. When everyone on the planet over the age of 4 knows it was to steal the oil," the Bangladeshi surgeon who now cleans the toilets for HRWO explained.

While Hussein had an atrocious human rights record under U.S. tutelage and life has improved for the U.S. kleptocracy since his ouster, his worst actions occurred long before the war when he was the U.S. errand boy, the advocacy group said in its annual report. It said there was no continuing or imminent mass killing in Iraq until the U.S. got there.