The Assassinated Press

Barack Obamaís Speech to the 2013 Harvard Law School & Kennedy School of Diplomacy Graduation Classes

The Assassinated Press

Todayís Harvard Graduates, Harvard Faculty, Harvard Alumni, Family and Friends and, most importantly, the corporate sponsors which endow this great university and make it possible, I come before you today with a heavy heart.

This morning it was revealed to the world that another fine young man, Edward Snowden, had lost his way and joined the ranks of government and corporate whistleblowers which include Peter Buxton, Daniel Ellsberg, Bradley Manning, Karen Silkwood, Gary Webb, Jeffrey Wigand, Joseph Wilson, Wendell Potter, Bunny Greenhouse etc. etc. Theyíre list is too upsetting ---and long ---to reprise here.

We may not kill Snowden the way we did Gary Webb, Danny Casolaro, our own Bill Casey and Hale Boggs and so many others. Or dispatch him with extreme prejudice the way our friends at Kerr- McGee murdered Karen Sillkwood, but Mr. Snowden better know he will be punished to the full extent of the law we make up the morning before we go after his sorry ass with a drone strike.

Thatís what our corporate lap dog of an Attorney General, Eric Holder, is for. If they ainít at Gitmo make Ďem feel like they fuckiní are. We donít want Eric wasting his time going after the banks and brokerage houses that your daddies own. Thatís part of the gentlemenís pact or agreement . Youíre daddies are packed with money and people like me agree to do their bidding.

Thatís why so many people expect me to suddenly tear off a mask and reveal the desiccated, artificially animated corpse of Dick Cheney below. One Chief Executive to the next, thereís little substantive difference because we wield no power beyond what the kleptocracy dictates.

The laughable irony in the Snowden case is that we in the Executive put pressure on Microsoft, Facebook, Google and other Silicon Valley companies to turn over their data. However, the opposite is true. They ordered the Executive to centralize the data to better anticipate the consumer habits of the American and the world and better suppress union movements, land reform, education initiatives and guerrilla groups born of frustration Ďcause we do fuck people over, donít we.

Google, Microsoft, Facebook et all donít give a ratís ass about foreign terrorism. The FBI frames enough Ďcellsí of down on their luck homeless guys to give the illusion to the public that corporate America and its wholly owned subsidiary, the U.S. Government gives a pickled pecker about terrorism unless itís our own state terrorism.

I first encountered these lessons at the hallowed and hollow yet well-endowed university. Iím not only talking about the lies and the back stabbing to get ahead. Iím also talking about knowing your place.

The larger world couldnít make me a pussy. But Harvard could. And it did. Iím now a full fledged pussy to power.

And those folks out there that have put their faith in me and my administration are just going to have to trust us on this domestic surveillance bullshit even though on Monday we canít wipe our own ass. And on Tuesday weíre selling out the common for a golf junket with the Koch brothers.

Harvard is the training ground for the policy Bordello. When we take the whip to Bradley Manning. When we fuck up this bastard Snowden. When we crucify Assange. We need you, our new crop of policy whores to defend our position, twist our thoughts into lies that sound plausible and be ready to kill anyone who gets out of line.

Remember, the kleptocracy is counting on you. Do your duty and there wonít be any trouble.

Thank you and congratulations.