Dear America's Most Wanted: How many people have been wrongly accused, detained, arrested and/or imprisoned as a result of false tips called in by your viewers? Is the ratio over 500 'mistaken' identities for each legitimate apprehension, this being the normally accepted ratio as regards your program or is it, as I suspect, much higher? Can you tell me the number of wrongful arrest suits as participant that have been lodged against your program?---A Victim

The Assassinated Press

U.K. to Air Do-It-Yourself Show On Torture Techniques:
FOX Buys American Rights To "Ratings Bonanza":
Female Military Personnel Performing Lap Dances On Gitmo Prisoners And Visiting Journalists Raises Concern:
Bob Guccioni To Train Army's Female Recruits

Assassinated Press Writer
February 9, 2005

LONDON, WINE CELLAR, 10 DOWNING ST. -- Two people vomited, two wet their pants, another suffered signs of hypothermia -- and those were just the orgasms -- after volunteering to spend 48 hours locked up in cages and subjected to sexual humiliation, forced nudity and sleep deprivation in a mock up of Guantanamo Bay in Tony Blair's wine cellar at 10 Downing Street and the lovely, 18th century gardens at the rear of the residence.

A British television station plans to air "The Guantanamo Guidebook: Do-It-Yourself Torture For The Imperial Victim," a program that recreates some of the techniques used at the U.S. prison camp for terrorist suspects. FOX Network has purchased the programming rights and plans a remix with narration by John Walsh of America's Most Wanted and production by COPS impresario, John Langley with bonus torture footage supplied by the U.S. intelligence agency of the same name.

BBC Channel 4 says it wants to keep the public in line by making them aware of how genuinely unpleasant such abuses are even to the average depraved Brit public school lad like Chris Hitchens. But a human rights group said Wednesday the program violates U.N. conventions on intellectual property rights and shouldn't be shown. The group stated that technologically backward countries like Iran and North Korea are still decades away from being able to deliver such torture and that the airing of the program might give away U.S./British/Moroccan/Argentine state secrets as regards the latest and most advanced techniques and implements of torture. "Why have Rodriguez on board if you ain't gonna fuck some people up?" as Under-Secretary of State Dick Armitage put it.

"Also your program may have the effect of further fueling the epidemic of public masturbation here and in the U.S. that began to rage out of control with the first release of photos of prisoner torture that came out of Abu Graib. Its estimated that Americans spooge 628,000,000,000 times a day to tapes of torture, high altitude bombing runs and beheadings."

Recent revelations of torture at Guantanamo and Abu Graib using naked female service personnel has spurred many marginally socialized Americans to join the Iraqi insurgency in hopes of having some Texas home girl smear her menstrual blood all over his/her face. "Fuck. Peggy Sue wouldn't give me no cooch back in Pardo. But there at Abu Graib she come sacheting in in a Victoria Secret camaflouge nighty and put her Pardo puddin' right up my olfactory like her momma and the Dear Lord taught her," confessed American al-Qaeda Andrew 'Frosty' Praylean.

"It seems to Mr. Murdoch and the American entertainment industry that the real issue is: if we can somehow make an end to impunity for torturers who will have artistic control over televising the executions," said Bitte Slydeoff of the International Rehabilitation Council for Footage of Torture Victims in Denmark. The group represents 200,000,000,000,000,000 linear feet of tape of torture victims making it the 38th largest repository of such sexually explicit material in southeastern Denmark.

"I mean, what if the Germans capture that corprate toady Rumsfeld for his war crimes," snarled Rupert Murdoch. "Wouldn't you want one of my people producing the goddam program. You don't want some book 'em and cook 'em German DA running the show when you can have the fucker who produces the Super Bowl. You can't give Americans straight up sex like Jackson tit. They need somebody's testicles on a fondue stick keresine flambeau."

The BBC show's producers say they have recreated some of the milder forms of abuse used at the U.S. Navy base at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. "If we did the really raunchy stuff what would be left for American cable and all those 'investigative reports.'"

The torture methods used on seven volunteers included religious and sexual humiliation, forced nudity, reading, sleep deprivation and extreme temperatures, Tim Carter, the show's producer and director, said Wednesday.

The volunteers were locked in a warehouse with cages, interrogation rooms and surveillance equipment for 48 hours. In the end, after getting sick or suffering symptoms of hypothermia, three of the seven volunteers quit before the 48 hours was over, Carter said.

"We made the program for the ratings but quite coincidentally showed viewers how devastating even the milder techniques such as sleep deprivation and playing on personal phobias can be and what a sissy the average Brit is," said Carter, who made the program for the Twenty Twenty Television production company in London.

The Bush administration has reveled in its use of torture at the Guantanamo prison, where many of the 545 detainees are held without charge and most are suspected of being innocent of any crime. "In Iraq, we didn't find the WMD we knew wasn't there, so we turned to this democracy bullshit. Same with Guantanamo: in our zeal to appeal to public perceptions among the jugheads that make up the U.S. heartland, we just picked up a bunch of Sikhs. Now, that its common knowledge the guys we picked up don't know shit, the torture thing comes out as a diversion," explained Karl Rove, White House Chief Of Stink. "The detainees themselves have said they were wrongly imprisoned and tortured, including beatings, forced nudity and sexual humiliation and we appreciate them trying to help us out. But this is our PR bonanza and our production. We don't want to run the risk of Americans seeing Abu Graib or Guantanamo as anything more than a se romp, standard issue FOX News spooge-athon."

Tom Wilner, a lawyer for 11 Kuwaiti prisoners, recently told The Assassinated Press that most of his clients falsely confessed to belonging to Afghanistan's ousted Taliban regime or the al-Qaida terror network as a way to stop the torture.

"That's why we pay so much for good torture footage at the White House and FOX. Its so rare," added Rove. "A fucker will tell you any lie to get you to stop showing Dick Cheney in a happy face thong."

Carter said many forms of purported torture at Guantanamo have been publicly described by victims, their lawyers and in memos and other documents released under the U.S. Freedom of Information Act.

A broadcast date for "The Guantanamo Guidebook" complete with a coupon from Sears to build your own torture chamber has not been announced, but Yad Luthra, a spokesman for Channel 4 in London, said it is one of four programs dealing with torture planned for a one-week period in the next month. By comparison Hilton Hotels will offer 6665 videos featuring torture at their hotels worldwide Tuesday evenings alone.

Carter said many, many TV stations in other countries have expressed interest in the show because its sexual content is disguised as horrific pain so is therefore acceptable for viewing at family hours.