The Assassinated Press

In Report BP Denies Failed Rig Was Theirs.
Review of Documents Said to Reveal Well Was Contracted by Buddy’s Petrol not British Petroleum.
Heyward in Actuality Part Time Mechanic at Buddies, Not British Petroleum CEO.
“Life Back” comment refers to Hayward’s neglected meth labs.

The Assassanated Press

According to a new report released by British Petroleum, the platform that exploded killing eleven people was not theirs in the first place. In a further revelation BP claimed that Tony Hayward was not their employee much less their CEO and was parading before cameras and lying to conceal the rig’s true owner.

According to BP the rig’s ‘true owner’ was Buddy’s Petrol a one pump service station in Cruger Mississippi which is partly owned by Haley Barbour the morbidly obese Governor of the Magnolia State, Buddy’s also sells fresh alligator meat, hundred pound sacks of Haley’s fertilizer and bait. Further, Tony Hayward is no highfalutin CEO. According to the report Hayward is a part time auto mechanic at Buddy’s with aspirations to one day work on Wall Street and become as much a scumbag as Rick Santelli, Jay Gould or Bernie Madoff.

The revelations rocked the Gulf region, with Louisiana Mayor Bobby Jindal talking in a mousy, school girlish tone about the injustice done to British Petroleum and offering reparations to the company for its long weeks of suffering class warfare tactics from those who sought to portray the company as ruthless and uncaring.

BP also placed the blame for the spill on Halliburton and Deepwater Horizon as well as minor sub-contractors like M-I SWACO. It turns out that M-I SWACO is owned by Barbour’s son in law and that the Cheney connected Halliburton is just a bunch of thieving, murdering sociopaths anyway.

Louisiana prosecutor Edwin Edwards IV said, “That the BP revelations will greatly impede my investigation “unless I start getting some checks from these folks pretty damn soon. And don’t skimp on the hot sauce. I’d like to be on my new yacht by November sailing the crystal clear waters of the fucking Gulf.”

Authorities have not yet located Hayward who said he told the world that he would “like to have [his] life back.” Many along the Gulf were incensed by his remarks until they learned that young Tony considered his warren of crystal meth labs in the Mississippi swamps his life.

Dumb Is the New Smart.

“But Tony? Fuck that Tony was willing to give up his cuddly meth labs if he could be a shit trader on Wall Street like his boyhood hero Rick ‘Mama's Guinea’ Santelli.

After hearing of the BP report Gov. Barbour hired one of his brother in law’s companies at taxpayer expense to cut out a side of the Governor’s mansion so Haley could make a speech. The entire speech consisted of grunts and squeals.