The Assassinated Press

Bush Blames Saddam For Columbia Disaster

Washington, DC
Roiders, 2 February 2003, 16:05

In a statement released by the White House today at 11:20 am, President George Bush declared that Saddam Hussein was behind the explosion of the Columbia space shuttle that occurred yesterday morning. He said that the Iraqis used weapons that had been hidden from the United Nations inspectors. "If the inspectors had not allowed Saddam to refuse to submit to a full body cavity search," the president said, "this tragedy might not have happened."

The president declined to state what the exact nature of the weapons were, but did say that "they're highly sophisticated nucleo-chemo-bio-electro-petroleo-cheerio devices that were stolen from the United States (or else given to Iraq by my father)." The US, Mr. Bush added, has incontrovertible evidence that Osama bin Laden was involved in the operation from his mountain hideaway in North Korea. A White House spokesperson announced that the full evidence -- "which will leave no doubt in anyone's mind" -- will be presented to the UN Security Council on Monday. Unless it isn't.

The president closed his statement by asserting "The more you love freedom, democracy, the Lord, and tax cuts for the wealthy, the more likely it is you'll be attacked. Time is running out for Saddam."

The Assassinated Press