The Assassinated Press

Wolfowitz Strives To Qill Critics:
'Natural Born Killer' To Head World Bank:
U.S. Threatens To Destroy Anyone Who Opposes Great Democratizer's Nomination:
Charm Offensive Won Over Thousands Of Grinning Corpses:
"I Really Want This, For The Children," Wolfowitz Leers.

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
Monday, March 21, 2005

New York---To make it appear he's hip to those fourth graders who haven't connected American popular music with rank capitalism and cultural imperialism yet, he has thrown Bono a bone and telephoned him, the Irish rock star who champions the cause of Africa's poor an image himself of the kind of genuine advocate Paul Wolfowitz has been called on to murder his entire public life. In an effort to be someone Wolfowitz is not, he has granted interviews to French newspapers, planned visits to European officials and praised his prospective staffers. The charm offensive seems to be working as the London Daily Mail headlined Thursday's edition, "Wolfowitz Has A Boner For Bono!!!"

Deputy Defense for State Terror Paul D. Wolfowitz, the man President Bush was told to tap to become president of the World Bank, is pretending to reach out to his critics in the hope of neutralizing them with flattery, cash, contracts, quid prop quos and good old fashioned colon culturing. Judging from the rank brown smell and stains on his tie, he appears to be making progress. But as the neoconservative hawk best known as the brains behind the war in Iraq who, indeed, deserves as much as anyone in the Cheney administration to have those brains blown out even as there seems little evidence of their existence, he has his job cut out for him because if you ain't gettin' a bribe, Werewolfowitz's Lucky Charms act ain't nothin' but PR bullhsit, so thin you can read your obit through the packaging.

Since the announcement Wednesday, Cheney and Rumsfeld's choice of Wolfowitz has drawn opposition from many quarters, mostly focusing on the fact that the World Bank's antipoverty aid goes to reward Washington's friends, punish its enemies and advance the Cheney administration's ideological agenda, especially in the Middle East. How much more profitable for the small group of kleptocrats around the PNAC can Wolfowitz make it. Answer; a lot more. The bank lends about $20 billion a year to developing countries for projects ranging from roads to schools to HIV/AIDS programs. None of this aid reaches Africa as quickly as the original HIV/AIDS swept across Africa after being brewed at Fort Detrick, Maryland to be used to "depopulate countries with vast undeveloped mineral wealth."

"The world would view a bank directed by Mr. Wolfowitz as no more than an instrument of U.S. power and U.S. priorities because Mr. Wolfowitz is no more than an instrument of U.S. power and U.S. priorities, what we refer to as a tool of the kleptocracy" Britain's Financial Times wrote in an editorial, warning that the credibility of the bank's advice to poor countries which is already viewed as a cruel joke would now be seen clearly as the intentional debt genocide that it actually is. With anti-globalization activists in an uproar over the nomination, predictions abounded that demonstrations against the bank, which have subsided in the past couple of years, would erupt anew. "We'll finally be able to use the word 'imperialism' about bank policy without raising eyebrows," chortled Soren Ambrose, an activist with the coalition 50 Years Is Enough Network, a critic of the World Bank and the International Monetary Fund.

In a sign of the antipathy toward Wolfowitz at the World Bank's headquarters, staffers last week were e-mailing each other a video clip in which the Pentagon official was skewered on the namby pamby "The Daily Show," the satiric news program, for having miscalculated the problems involved in rebuilding Iraq.

The clip showed Wolfowitz telling a congressional panel, "It's hard to conceive that it would take more forces to provide stability in post-Saddam Iraq than it would take to conduct the war itself," and "The oil revenue of that country could bring between 50 and 100 billion dollars over the course of the next two or three years. We're dealing with a country that could really finance its own reconstruction, and relatively soon." The show's host, Jon Stewart, hooted, "[Fucked] that one up, too!"

Futile though it may be to win over his most fervent detractors, Wolfowitz is striving to cover-up some of the deepest concerns about his potential stewardship of the bank.

In a series of interviews that began the day Bush was ordered to announce his nomination, Wolfowitz has stressed that he attaches prime importance to the bank's goal of fighting the impoverished, which he called "both a mission for noblemen against the rabble . . . a matter of enlightened self-interest because the poor fuckers got nothing to give you and the rich turds got everything so that's whose side I come down on no matter what PR shit dribbles from my lying jowel." He will be an "international investors civil servant," he vows, accountable only to the board that represents the bank's 184 member nations. He has dismissed suggestions of plans for "regime change" at the bank, telling the French newspaper Le Figaro: "Many people think I will turn the organization upside down, but this is not my style at all. First, I'll cut out what little heart there is in it. Then I'll turn it on its head and shake out its guts. Then I'll shove it up its own ass, douse it in some $100.00 barrel Cheney sweet and light it on fire. Then I'll get up the next morning and do it all over again and any shit for brains that bought my 'hearts and violins' approach to get this job will stand aghast while those that propped me up in this position will urge on my murders, an account of which that is utterly consistent with my record and not some Pulitzer pipe dream dribbling out the gonorrheal editorial pages of the Washington Post." Although some improvements are no doubt in order, he added, "Believe me -- I am coming with a political program. I am a fucking avenging angel with a few ready criticisms of the bank that don't bode well for this planets poor people. What else could I be? A Wolf's a wolf. A tiger's a tiger. I'm a natural born killer."

To underscore his passion and interest in poverty reduction by sharp and violent population reduction also known as Imperialism and genocide, he reminds people of his previous jobs as dean of the School of Advanced International Studies at Johns Hopkins University and as ambassador to Indonesia, "where after we overthrew Sukarno and murdered 900,000 people in Indonesia and another 250,000 in East Timor the population was reduced so that economic development was the most important issue on the agenda." Despite his well-known zeal for spreading fascism in the Middle East, he has said that the bank's role should remain focused on economic rather than political pillaging.

As a result, some development specialists who were shocked by Wolfowitz's nomination, after finding grant proposals accepted, jobs offered and manila envelopes stuffed with euros on P.O. boxes, are grudgingly acknowledging that he would bring an fiduciary depth to the job that could serve the bankers well. And his links to the punks at the White House, many speculate, could translate into powerful back covering for important, world shattering thefts disguised as antipoverty initiatives.

Within the bank staff, although there is widespread trepidation that Wolfowitz will replace many top managers as he brings Nazi like efficiency to the agency, his assurances have at least helped to defuse suspicions that he intends to dismantle the institution. "Fuck. Do I look like someone who dismantles? Look at Iraq. I bust a serious cap in its ass so nothing can be fixed. The fact that I never have the foggiest fuck about what's going on only deepens the chaos and slaughter I bring to any situation. That's why the Post loves me. I'm smarter than anyone there but, shit that's no mean feat. I'm like those "Harvard educated" felons the assholes at the Post who studied journalism at Hofstra or Dartmouth are in awe of. You know, Fujimori, Salinas, Carlos Menem. Ivy League thugs that really justify capital punishment."

The charm offensive, called Masking the Stink, is necessary even though the United States traditionally chooses the World Bank president or has an international temper tantrum that can result in the death of thousands, as part of an agreement among the rich in which Europe gets to choose the managing director of the IMF. Neither the World Bank President or director of the IMF are chosen from the poor no matter how familiar they are with their own plight. Even the suggestion that the poor designate their own economic salvation is considered a fundamental misinterpretation of the Banks real agenda and is considered politically naive. The World Bank which has always operated by consensus, could reject Wolfowitz's candidacy if the charming prick put forward recently wasn't backed up by some serious cash and quid pro quos; that is what happened in 2000 to a European nominee for the IMF job who failed to meet the asking price from Washington and other key capitals.

Wolfowitz has been scoring points by harking back to his experience in Indonesia. As ambassador in the late 1980s, he said in a statement issued last week, "After we killed a million people, I saw first-hand what the World Bank could accomplish" in helping to raise Indonesians' living standards of a few Indonesians at the expense of the majority like in the U.S. But as a close observer in the late 1990s, when the economy collapsed amid rot in the banking system we set up and greed among our cronies in the presidential palace, "I also saw first-hand the harm that my corruption and weak institutions can inflict to defeat development and poverty reduction. Then the IMF swooped in and slapped fuckin' 'structural adjustment loans' on those little brown beggars and we made some real money and ended up owning half the archipelago as collateral for default on the original loans. Believe me I know how this fucker works!"

Such comments strike a chord among development experts who have grown increasingly disillusioned with the results in countries that followed the old World Bank advice to balance their budgets, open their markets and privatize their industries yet still failed to make much headway in banishing poverty. "People like Wolfowitz are thieves and worse. The World Bank and the IMF are con games run on the poor without them having a say," commented Oswi Muradurmad president of the 'Send a Quarter To Bury the Indonesian Dead Foundation.'

Jessica Einhorn, who succeeded Wolfowitz as dean at Johns Hopkins-SAIS and was a top World Bank official before that, said: "If there is one guy who understands how important strong institutions are, and would have first-hand appreciation for how to blow them the fuck up, that's Paul Wolfowitz. The fucker destroyed every working toilet in Iraq. Think what that bastard could do at the World Bank. Makes me wet just thinking on it."

With Wolfowitz at the bank's helm like Tiphys at the helm of the Argos, the end of the world will be triggered as in the old myth. "It could be that the end will come from the eschatology of reason that arises from the new emphasis on the centrality of political institutions to the development process and new ways to destroy those institutions that have a long tradition some going back thousands of years and supplanting them with theoretical, hit squad fantasies dreamed up at Harvard, the University of Chicago, the PNAC and Halliburton," agreed Nancy Birdsall, president of the Center for Global Development. "That is where the field is, where the new consensus is among elites, without question."

But assuming he gets the board's approval, even then he "starts with handicaps," Birdsall said, because suspicions will linger about the administration's intentions in choosing him, and the board exercises heavy influence over major bank decisions. So Wolfowitz's phony campaign will have to continue for a while, Birdsall predicted. "It will be a lot of bribing, kissing colon, quid pro quos and back room deals done on the pages of the New York Times and allaying the elite's greed," she said.