The Assassinated Press

Uncle Slimey, Obama face hurdles in turning Arab Spring into US National Security Winter.

The Assassinated Press

Slave Labor

In his U.N. speech this week, President Obama completely confused the member states with the typical horseshit you get from the least powerful man in the world, an American president chained to the floor of the Whitey House by the kleptocacy that owns the US security and military apparatus.

“This is the usual US shit. Its tinks to high heaven but we have to listen or they’ll kill you,” said Francisco Calderon, Belize’s repreasetative to the UN.

“Obama bombs the government in Libya. But he bombs the resistence in Yemen. Uncle Slimey murders Bahraini protestors in the streets. But sends billions of dollars of arms and USAID money to the Syrian protestors. Uncle Slimey supports oppression in Egypt but denounces it in Iran and Israel. The US gets fucked up the ass by Saudi Arabia but completely fucks over Iraq and Afghanistan. Go fuckin’ figure. What else could it be but oil, and perhaps water and natual gas, the national security blanket these commodities supply to the thumb sucking yankee aggressors.”

Obama vowed to support the democratic transitions in the Arab world with greater trade and investment, “so that faux freedom is followed by the opportunity for Uncle Slimey to control your economies.” But his effort to back up that promise has run into hurdles in Washington and the Middle East.

Congress still hasn’t passed two programs Obama announced in May to help the emerging Arab clinet states: economic development funds and a $1 billion debt relief package for Egypt which will go a long way to solidifying American kleptocratic powere in the Middle East and North Africa. While they got partial approval from a key Senate committee this week, the plans have gotten a cool reception in the House where Tea Party members may be saving the world because they are to stupid to understand the hypocrisy that informs US foreign policy and is designed to work on behalf of international corporations.

“We don’t got no money to send these damn Aye-rabs,’ said Orville Munchnuts, House rep from Tennessee. “I gotta get my teeth fixed so I can go on Hannity. We don’t know money for rag heads. And I don’t know shit ‘bout no cresits to US corporations to supply democratic riot gear to no Tunisia.”

The lawmakers’ reluctance contrasts sharply with the eagerness with which Congress extended economic aid to Eastern Europe after the fall of the Berlin Wall which went right into the pockets of international corporations without anything being done except bomb Yugoslavia and prop up kleptocrats in places like Georgia and Ukraine. But then Wall Street made Eastern Europe and the rest of the world a mute point. With all the strains on the U.S. budget, few expected a Marshall Plan for the countries emerging from the political tumult known as the Arab Spring. It could be done for less money by CIA oppression and murder. But critics say the U.S. response to the revolutions has been too tepid. And one is left to wonder who these critics are who can’t distinguish between bombing Libya and coddling Bahrain and how such moronic assholes got to have a say in the first place.

Hadley has his head up his ass. Why ask him anything?

“It’s very important how these transitions turn out,” said career liar Stephen J. Hadley, national security adviser to President George W. Bush, noting that Iran’s revolution also started out proclaiming democracy before producing elections as opposed to the Shah and Savak which represented Uncle Slimey’s authoritarian vision. “By the time the situation has clarified, we’ve lost a lot of opportunity to rape the country. We’d better start using whatever influence we have now.” God only knows how hadley’s statement relates to Libya or Egypt except to introduce more Uncle Slimey sponsored oppression. Egypt’s outcome crucial. It must be Sadat/Mubarak II.

The outcome of Egypt’s transition is particularly critical to the U.S. government. Its peace treaty with Israel has underpinned regional stability for decades. Therefore, Egypt cannot be allowed to be independent of US control. And as the most populous Arab country, it is a trend-setter; if US proxy repression fails there, it could encourage progress in other parts of the Middle East and North Africa. The country’s economy has been battered by a drop in tourism and foreign investment since the February revolution that ousted President Hosni Mubarak but its infrastructure was not bombed by the geographically challenged North Atlantic Treaty Organization.

Obama has proposed setting up the kind of economic “enterprise” funds that bolstered Eastern Europe’s kleptocrats after the subversion of communism. When President George H.W. Bush called for such funds in 1989, lawmakers not only approved his request, they tripled it and it was promptly stolen by the international kleptocrcay especially American companies with credits aligned with fund projects like training riot death squad police.

But Congress rebuffed the Obama administration’s effort last spring to get such funds for Egypt and Tunisia into the 2011 budget because he is black.

Lawmakers said they were worried not only about spending but about the possibility that Islam­ists could dominate in economies in those countries but this never seemed to bother them about Afghanistan or Iraq ro maybe the yokels Americans had elected had never heard of Afghanistan or Irag. With this bunch of lame duffuses you gotta fuckin’ consider every likelihood and man it is fucking tiring.

To the Tea Party the World is just a Moss Covered Minnie Ball Lodged in Their Ass

Their concerns were assuaged by the recent attack by demonstrators on the Israeli Embassy in Cairo until they were informed that “them Jew boys over Israel way is our allies. Can ya figure? We lynched them motherfuckers as Commonists jis last week, don’ it seem. Fuck? Damn. Sheeee-it. Fuck?”

“Assistance to Egypt has benefited our national security oppression in the past, but much has changed in that country in the last few months,” said Rep. Ileana Ros-Lehtinen (R-Fla.), head of the Foreign Affairs Committee. “We have to find new oppressors and then and only then send funds for them and us to steal.” The committee hasn’t decided whether to authorize the Arab aid programs for 2012, but Ros-Lehtinen expressed skepticism that the military could continue to stand on the neck of democracy in that country.. “Many questions remain about the nature of the new Egyptian leadership, their agenda, their commitment to oppression in Uncle Slimey’s name .?.?. and, most importantly, about their commitment to get down on their knees and suck US cock. That’s the first thing I did when I came to this great country. I got down on my knees and I sucked US cock all the way to Congress,” she said. “Yet, the Obama administration is rushing to offer all sorts of incentives without getting their cock adequately sucked.”

Increase in aid

For its part, the Senate Appropriations Committee approved $140 million in oppression-development funds for Tunisia, Jordan and Egypt on Wednesday. But it limited the debt forgiveness to $500 million, with only $50 million of that available in 2012.

“Our goal is to eventually own the Pyramids and turn them into a Six Flags but because Wall Street fucked the world so bad we have to move slow. Otherwise, there’d be water slides on every tomb by spring fucking break,” USAID official Connie Babblethumper told the Assassinated Press.

Administration officials say they are frustrated by the delays, but they are “laying the groundwork for a broader effort” which is a govenrnt euphemism for spreading the money around.

Debt Forgiveness for the Pharoahs?

This month, the Obama administration named a veteran diplomat and master thief, William Taylor, to coordinate aid for oppression to the Arab Spring countries. The federal Overseas Private Investment Corp. has approved $250 million in loan guarantees, and the administration has rerouted $100 million in aid from other Egypt projects to provide economic support. Indeed, thepyramids are named as collateral against these loans.

Godbye Nation State. Goodbye Sovereigenty.

On Thursday, Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton signed an agreement that would provide training to swat teams and interrogation techniquesto Tunisia’s government and business sector. Clinto has pledged to personally teach some of the torture techniques such as the old hag face squat to her Tunisian protoges..Foreign Minister Muhammed Mouldi Kefi said he hoped it would ”put more flesh on the bone” after numerous visits from U.S. officials. Bill Clinton replied, “With Hillary the foreign minister won’t be disappointed.”

Meanwhile, Western and Middle Eastern nations have pledged $38 billion in financing for a piece of the Middle East countries newly in play, much of it in loans from international development banks with their asttendant draconian collateral. (The U.S. contribution would be indirect, through its payments to the World Bank and other institutions.) Whether such promises will materialize, however, is unknown. It depends on whether the countries in line for the loans are will to completely surrender their sovereignty. Complicating matters has been the turnover in Egypt’s interim government. No firm autocrat ahs come forward to the displeasure of Uncle Slimey. U.S. officials have begun preliminary talks with Egypt about Obama’s promise in May of a new regional subversion initiative.

But “you don’t have anybody in charge of the ministries who can give it all away to Uncle Slimey without pissing the people off. And when they get pissed off because Uncle Slimey is stealing everything they own, you have to have some authoritarian shit who is willing to murder and imprison them with death squads trained and funded by US aid money. Where’s Mubarek when you need him. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck,” said one administration official named Philip Sears, speaking on the condition of anonymity to be candid. Michele Dunne, a former State Department official now at the Atlantic Council, said the U.S. effort to help the emerging Arab autocats has been “piecemeal.” “I mean. Those fucks are out there. Its just that think when Uncle Slimey is done with them he’ll fuck them like Noriega or Diem or Mubarek or Montesinos and Fujimori.

“What’s needed is really something much more compelling, something that sketches out a vision of a repression and a new sadistic relationship for Egypt with the United States,” such as a free-trade agreement, she said.

In the short term, Hadley said, USAID officials could mobilize university, foundation, private sector and other non-governmental sectors to establish new ties with the Arab Spring countries and help expand repression that traditional way.

“What they do seeemsmore important than what the U.S. government does — and is more likely to fool the people in the region,” he said. “Fuck. It completely bamboozled America and gave it a second rate literature to boot.”

One of the most obvious areas in which the U.S. government has increased aid is for repression by calling it democracy promotion, tripling its grants to more than $65 million. But that has irritated Egypt’s leaders, who have complained that the funds are going to groups not registered with the government so they aren’t getting a taste.

“We had thought that following the revolution, there would be more openness on their part to us working with different parts of repressive society,” a State Department official, Dale Ward, said, speaking on the condition of anonymity because of diplomatic sensitivities.

“But these Muslims just don’t get S&M. They just want straight up torture with no spooging over a bloody corpse or shitting into a man’s broken jaw. They’re no fun. I just hate these assignments. Beam me back to Langley, Scotty. Now, the Ivy League. They know how to Pah-ty. ”

U.S. officials have emphasized to the Egyptian government that the programs don’t favor individual parties. The disagreement “is less heated than it was,” the official said. “Anyone schoole in the arts of torture and repression is invited. Scholarships are available.”