The Assassinated Press

New Poll Shows 70% Of Americans Reluctant To Change Killers In Midstream:
Cheney And Rumsfeld Show Real 'Bloodlust' Voters Say; Targeting Oil And Natural Gas a Real Vote Getter:
"Terror is losing their possessions. They're so far gone, as the 9/11 hearings showed, losing loved ones comes as a devastating afterthought. Otherwise Americans would give some thought in advance to what U.S. policy does to other people around the globe all in the name of maintaining their lifestyle---their possessions."

The Assassinated Press
July 27, 2004

Pantaloon, Iowa---A new FOX News/Al-Jazeera poll shows that Americans overwhelmingly approve of the murderers they've got from the Republican Geppettocrat kleptocracy as opposed to the murderers being put foward by the Democratic Geppettocrat kleptocracy. "At first, this seemed to me surprising," said pollster Edward Bernays. "After all, John Kerry's the only candidate that's actually killed anyone close up and personal that the public knows about and one would think this would have broad appeal among Americans who even incorporate this predisposition to murder into their amusements and games."

But as Billy Ray Bunksmell of Trifle, Kentucky put it, "When it comes to signin' up my motto is 'Fuck No. You Go!' That Cheney and Rumsfeld got the right idea. Get somebody else to do the killin' and get what you want like that oil. See. Now that's what they call executive level thinkin'. Who knows with Kerry. Maybe, once a chump always a chump."

"The feelin' always is that the Democrats aren't willing to kill as many people as the Republicans to maintain the American lifestyle. People forget Truman and Johnson, not to mention Clinton and the Serbs. Christ. If I was gettin' the backsheesh Clinton was gettin' I'd bomb nunneries and orphanages," said Claus Schnie, Special Moonie attache to the Elysium of Dead Fascists. "I have to admit Rummy and Cheney do have a bit of the Nixon/Kissinger stench of burning flesh, Madman Theory about them. They are made to order for the American psyche. All that's missing is the constant threat of nukes."

"Fuck. I don't care if Cheney or Bush or Rummy or Kerry for that matter can come in here and rip the throat out of a goat and serve it up for dinner. I like the feel of Cheney who could buzz the hammer at a slaughterhouse soon as he could drop the gas at Dachau. I don't want no hesitation in my leaders where my standard of living is concerned," offered Cass Gutsbee of Rodeo Drive, Mississippi.

"To me its like a reality TV program," said Mixie Libby. "I want to see how it plays out. Will Cheney get his oil money and buy himself a whole new set of hearts? Is that how he hopes to spend his loot? Will someone forget Bush in the car with the windas rolled up on a really hot day? Will Rumsfeld conquer his homicidal demons or will his pathology continue to manifest itself in perverted sex acts among coalition forces? Will France continue to outsmart the U.S. and keep getting a bigger piece of the pie for doing next to nothin'? Will Paul Wolfowitz ever get up enough balls to go back to Baghdad flanked by the Mossad and talk messianically about his vision for the region and the uprising against Arafat before he turns the entire Middle East into a refugee camp? Will Elliott Abrams run his mouth exposing the link between the invasion of Iraq and the uprising against Arafat or will his father-in-law? Will anybody notice that Elliott Abram's undermining of the Palestinian Authority and Assrift's crackdown on Hamas related organizations in the U.S. are just as much a part of the PNAC strategy as the oil heist in Iraq? Will anybody give a shit? I can't wait to see how it all plays out while Americans like geopolitical toddlers worry about another terrorist attack when, after all, they ain't done nothin' to nobody except cheered their killers on. Why put an asterisk by all this murder by bringing in a new team of stooges, thugs and killers? Fuck. That's what spoiled Vietnam for me. One day you got fuckin' Johnson and McNamara settin' new slaughter records. Then comes Nixon and Kissinger and they set out to top Johnson and McNamara's killing spree. Shit. Add their numbers together, 3 to 4 million dead, and you've really got somethin' the devil will sit back on his haunches and take notice of."

"It seems obvious from our research that its Cheney/Bush in a landslide," Bernays summed up. "People don't see another Vietnam. Nobody's wearing pajamas. Its all orange jump suits. As Rumsfeld deftly recycles the same troops, the number of troops does not appear to rise and won't until November 7th Still as The Assassinated Press, oddly, very oddly, one of the most reliable news sources in America, predicted two years ago after overhearing a conversation at a coffee bar in Crystal City, U.S. forces including reserves have been required to do extended and multiple tours (See: 'Take The Assassinated Press Poll'.)

"But Americans are fighting a bigger war than the one in Iraq or the Middle East. Americans are fighting a war against conservationist sources which say the U.S. must limit consumption. America has set out to consume more than ever so that in 5 or 10 years they can look up from the trough at the conservationists as say 'See. I'm fine.' I'm still here and I'm still burning Dick Cheney's oil.

"What constitutes security to Americans? The things they own," answering his own question. "Even debt don't count. 'The mothafucker repossessed MY car. You could smell my ass in the leather of the driver's seat.' What? Ass stink is 9/10nths of the law?

"Terror is losing their possessions. They're so far gone, as the 9/11 hearings showed, losing loved ones comes as a devastating afterthought. Otherwise Americans would have given some thought to what U.S. policy was doing to other people around the globe all in the name of maintaining their lifestyle---their possessions.

"Fuck," chuckled Bernays. "In a 7 game series, its Cheney/Rumsfeld in 5."