The Assassinated Press


The Assassinated Press
March 23, 2003

An ebullient Ari Fleischer, Press Secretary to the de facto Cheney Administration, declared today "the complete triumph of American propaganda in America."

"This is unprecedented," said a flushed Fleischer. "We have the total freedom to say anything we want. Not even Goebbels had it so good! We have such saturation that we are able to say whatever we want, no matter how ridiculous. At no time in history has the world seen such a people as gullible as the American people."

Fleischer spoke at a White House press corps dinner, attended by all of the major media outlets.

"This administration has such a debt of gratitude to the American media," he said.

"Without your ability to keep a straight face, and to report so enthusiastically without editorial comment all of the ridiculous claims that we make daily, it's unlikely that the U.S. could wage such a brutal and aggressive war on Iraq. Your daily demonization of Saddam Hussein, your endorsement of our denial that our goal was to seize and harvest Iraqi oil when it was obvious to the rest of the world that it was our primary mission, your mindless repetitions of our shibboleths of 'saving the Iraqi people from a dictatorship,' and your ability to present a united front on virtually every media front by focusing attention on your phalanx of right-wing talking heads deploring Saddam's lust for weapons of mass destruction (WMD), especially those retired military hacks with their endless hype of our military might has made it possible to dupe the American people to such an extent that only the duplicity and complicity of the German people in Hitler's third Reich compares favorably with it. Your ability to keep off the air and out of the newspapers any significant arguments against the war have helped us tremendously"

Responding to a question from Dan Rather, chief propagandist for CBS, regarding Secretary of War Donald Rumsfeld claim that the bombs raining down on the Iraqi people are "the most humane bombs in the history of warfare," Fleischer declared: "Don, you are the first among equals in your unequivocal support of the Secretary. You and your cohorts have succeeded in making Rumsfeld into a benevolent and revered figure, when in fact he's without question the most bloodthirsty and ruthless Secretary of War we have ever had. Such a triumph of propaganda cannot go unnoticed. I'm certain that there's a Pulitzer in this for you."

Fleischer was equally effusive when commenting on the battlefield coverage.

"It is beyond our wildest dreams that the American Media could cover a war in which such indiscriminate use of firepower has been employed without showing a single civilian casualty. You have been able to present the war as a huge fireworks display, suitable for viewing by the entire family. Such duping of a citizenry is unprecedented. Thanks to the corporations that you represent, the Cheney government feels as if it has the freedom, indeed the mandate, to do what ever it wants anywhere in the world. As President Cheney said in our last war council, 'thanks to the willing docility of the Official Media, we are well on our way to cornering the market on oil. I fully expect to become the world's first quadrillionaire, and I owe it all to the media's ability to keep the public focused on the threat of WMD's, which is of course a completely phony issue.'"

As evidence of the unbelievable extent of media obeisance, Fleischer pointed to the continuing charade that corporate front man George Bush actually has had a role to play in the development and execution of American foreign policy:

"In the beginning we had grave doubts that anyone as stupid and as shallow as George Bush could ever be perceived as anything other than a stooge wholly given to bending over for any corporate executive whenever it was demanded, but you good people of the Official Media have managed to present him as a Statesman -- which of all of your efforts was certainly the most difficult. President Cheney regularly refers to him as that 'dumb shit,' but the latest polls that you have cooked up show his popularity holding steady. It demonstrates that the American people are so stupid that we could put a dead man in the oval office without suffering any diminishment of public approval. Indeed, when the history of this great American period is written, there's no doubt that the role of the media in completely hornswoggling the public will be given a central role. You have made the phrase 'a good German' pale in comparison to that of 'the good American.' We can only thank you, from the bottom of our bank accounts, for this truly unique opportunity to rape and pillage throughout the world with impunity."