The Assassinated Press

'Glenn Beck': Restoring Horror.
From Freedom Train to Gravy Train.

Special to the Assassinated Press

GLENN BECK, HOST: Hello, America.

I saw the headline today on the Drudge Report and the reality of the possibility of another lost weekend kind of hit me upside the head. But you know my good friend Drudge can drive you to drink. Could you show that? Yes. Oh, that's ó oh, boy, that's not good. "Sharpton Looms.Ē And Al is black. A black man looming. Be afraid. Be very afraid. Is it too late to cancel? Iím hearing that many people who drove hundreds of miles to hear me are too terrified to come to the rally. They had no idea how many blacks and Hispanics live in DC or in America for that matter.

I know Al Sharpton. I shouldnít tell you this because my popularity is built on racism and homophobia but I strangely like him and we get along. Al, God bless you. God bless you. And I wish you well this Saturday and I mean that, my friend. Donít kick my ass, Al for what Iím doing to poor and working people. Iím just trying to make a buck off these yokels and knuckle draggers just like our founding fathers did. And donít be pissed at the black preachers who today stand on the dais with me. Even though I lose a thousand white listenrs and viewers for every black face I buy, my generous contributions to their ministries as well as their homophobia have brought them here today. And I will make good on those financial promises when we reach the Promised Land, the one I promised my sponsors and the corporations.

Dumb Is the New Smart.

This memorial is one of the most beautiful places, I think, in America. Too bad itís wasted on liberals, blacks, Hispanics and fags. When I lived here in Washington and was sleeping off a drunk, I used to lie dirty and disheveled on the ground in the morning about three columns in and watch the sunrise. At first it stung my blood shot eyes and I was blinded. But then the spectacular fireball would rise over the Capitol and it was a miracle not only because I could see again with the sun out of my eyes but also because it means in Washington the sun rises from west to east. Satanís work.

And, the weather this Saturday is also a miracle. It's perfect. It's supposed to be 82 and low humidity and perfect sunshine while on average its 84 degrees and only partly sunny. I mean, thank you. Thank you.

Glenn Beck-- Penis Envoy

The Lincoln Memorial, the reflecting pool, if you haven't seen the Vietnam Memorial, it sobering. Makes me damn glad I didnít serve. Bring your children to see the Washington Monument, our national phallus or if you prefer four-sided minaret. It's looming, the distance the Capitol as the head, the Reflecting Pool this great cuntryís digestive juices and the Monument as Uncle Samís an erect penis. Praise Jesus. No wonder they call our flag, our national condom, Old Glory.

If they're not watching, ask them this. You'll see up about three quarter ó about a quarter of the way, the stone changes colors. Nobody knows this. Ask them why it's a different color. Do you know? That's where they stopped building it in the Civil War. It's pretty amazing to see the history. Think if we had won. Not one more stone would have been laid and we would have torn it down to the ground. I pray that itís not too late.

For me, it was quite humbling to stand as I'm walking up the stairs and I hate being humbled especially by a black dude. You'll see right it in the center, one flight down from Abe Lincoln. You will see carved in stone, usually people poor(sic) water on it so you can see it. It just says Dr. Martin Luther King, "I Have a Dream." It's right there that Martin Luther King stood and delivered his "I Have a Dream Speech." Boys, bring up the jackhammers and chisel that sucker out and replace it with my ratings.

For me, that was a humiliating because canít stand there and I make more money that King hands down. I'm way down these stairs here and Iím white. But what that man did and what he went through and the people that came and what they went through to come. I've read the papers from the day before his speech. And it was incredible what they said. And Iíd like to undo some of that by appealing to the bigot in all of you buy hopelessly garbling my message with praise for a black men. Itís never been tried. How am I doing? (Wild applause.)

This guy is still ó he hasn't been carved in stone, yet. Si I still might beat out his ass. To me, at least he's more of a man, a flawed philanderer, and less than a monument, maybe that's why I can relate to him as genetically superior a little bit more than giant Abraham Lincoln. And youíd be surprised what wants to run its fingers through my crew cut and fuck me and Iím not just talking about the 6 foot three cocktail waitress with the big hands and the Adamís apple. But it is impossible to look around in that area and not be overwhelmed by the fact that Iím not part of that history and all. And when I say "history," I mean the history of Glenn Beck.

Our first president, not carved in stone. He would have hated that ó just tall, straight and erect, an iconic symbol of his slave fucking magic founding father wand. Abraham Lincoln. The greatest generation at the end of the reflecting pool, Martin Luther King. Being around all of these things in that small sacred space is pretty underwhelming without me in their midst. So here I am. (Removes pants revealing patriotic red, white and blue garters and briefs. Wild Applause.)

Here I am among the memorials to some of the most honorable people in our nation's history. Is this a great sad country or what? It is inspiring enough, so you can only imagine ó I think I can imagine ó I think it's going to be a little overwhelming as we see ó I don't know, a thousand or so people standing together, shoulder to shoulder, locked arm-in-arm, drunk, deluded, happy, among their white brethren and few bought off coons ó thousands and thousands of regular citizens and some with untreated irritable bowel syndrome who have come as far as Europe. Oh Iím sorry, from Your Rope, Tennessee that is. One, I got a letter from somebody who's coming with their wife from Nigeria, just to experience it or was that the slave quarters at Colonial Williamsburg. I forget. People get me confused with a slave trader, a comparison I welcomed as my ratings were on the rise. Now that those same ratings are plummeting? -- Well, thatís why the fuck weíre here.

People who will not only recognize heroes ó this is one of the awards we're raffling off, three prizes to citizens. This is as close as it gets to something for nothing from me folks unless the nothing is emanating from my mouth. The raffled items are based on ó it is based on the Merit Badge, the Purple Heart from George Washington. This, we're raffling off three. I haven't seen any species, note the 17th century word for money, on who the three that are going to win, what citizens deserve this merit for faith, hope and charity. It just goes to the highest bidder according to the highest of principles, principles far higher than faith hope and charity, and that is free market principles.

People will gather and see this and be afraid. And hopefully, you will mutually pledge to me, your lives, your fortunes and your secret horror. At least we will begin to look at those things, start to maybe challenge that we haven't valued those things high enough and thereby banish once and for alló blacks, Latinos, gays, intellectuals and anybody else we feel inferior to.

That is why we call it the "Restoring Horror" event.

David Duke just talked to me in his office a few minutes ago. I'm going to be doing an interview with him right after the event for "Fox News Sunday." It's the only entire I will be doing. And he asked me why is it called "Restoring Horror"?

Well, it's not a political event because I haven't found a lot of honor unless its followed by a lot a $$$$$$$ and frankly I piss away on lunch what a lobbyist can buy a Congressman for for a full term. Principles and values that should be universal, but I think in most cases now, it seems in our country, they are non-existent and Iím living proof of that. I've been examining the problems of this country and I've been trying to come up with ways to exploit them. Do you think careening more toward power instead of focusing on the money is a mistake?

We're entering our last exit, last exit. I need to get off this highway. And I know the American people couldnít agree more.

I was leaving the memorial site today and reporter jumped out at me. I was trying to run because I needed to take dump. The escargot and red beans I had for breakfast were running right through me like the slip-and-slide at Three Flags. So I was running to my car and this reported(sic) jumped out and she said, "I'm so and so from ABC." And I said, hey! And she said, this was her question: What do you expect to gain from this event? It was then I soiled myself.

So covered in shit I said, I don't ó I don't even know what that means. Do you? I mean, I know what I have to lose. What do I have to gain? I have no idea what I mean anyway. So how can I know what I have to gain except maybe my ratings for a month or two.

ABC is not alone. Most of the reports seem to completely miss the mark of what I've named it. Horror. "Restoring Horror." Murder. I mean, how much more obvious? How are you missing this? Murder, horror. What you want me to start doing Captain Kurtz/Brando takes? ďThe Horror. The Horror.Ē To paraphrase Malory to Mickey---ĎI think Iím the horror.í

The Washington Post had a story today which actually ó I mean, I couldn't believe it ó well, I couldn't believe that I actually read The Washington Post. But then I couldn't believe that it was actually pretty fair considering ho much the Post despises poor and working people especially unions..

But they talked about the implications this event will have on the future of tea baggers. It couldn't figure that one out. I ó I read it to my wife in bed last night. What exactly ó how ó what? How exactly does this measure the strength or the weakness of the Tea Baggers? The Post is just leaving the Tea Baggers hung out to dry.

In the story, they talk about how the GOP is distancing themselves from this event. To distance themselves would imply that at some point, they were close to the event.

I've also heard that this event is all about the elections, the coming November. Let me just say this: If you are planning to drive here from ó I don't care if it's across the street or 1,000 miles, to hold up campaign slogan sign, go home. Save your time. Bring cash. Put your money where your mouth is. Donít let your mouth write a check your bank canít cash.

First of all: No signs. Don't bring your signs. Your signs are cheap and tacky. Bring your wallets. Hold up your wallets. Bring your open check books. That's it. Bring your kids. Weíll make you an offer. Paint your bile on your kids. Your kids are important. If you bring a sign, you're going to be disappointed. Other people will bring signs. None of you dumb fucks can read--- or spell. Donít bring signs. Theyíre embarrassing. A fucker with cell phone camera can make a fortune in laughs from the goofy malaprops on your signs. Look if anyoneís going to make a buck off you assholes, itís going to be me. Not some hippy humorist. Not the liberals that make and sell poster board and markers. Not the tattoo parlors.

I have also heard people wondering about how big or small the crowd size will be. Well, Iget a leter from a Mabel Bique of Fort Doowad, OK who has 9 children, God bless. Now, that twatís gonna be big. I've heard people speculate that what's going to happen ó what is Glenn Beck going to do after the event? Iím going to Disney World to strategize with my team.

NPR wrote about the event today, wondering what stunt is Glenn Beck going to pull, noting that progressive pundits are expecting me to pervert the memory of Martin Luther King as though my every breath is not a perversion. My gosh!

And then there was this: "Attendees are prohibited from bringing signs. The hope, of course, is that it will turn into a pit of hatred, a la the health care town halls. I say bottle our water but donít bottle up our bigotry? "

Afghanistan--- A pit of hatred? A pit of hatred ó written with our taxpayer dollars.

Thatís right, you can write a pit rather than dig one. This is where I get confused about people saying that I don't have the credentials to speak about horror and segregation and about the judging people as rubes or not by the content of their wallets, when the very same people that are saying that about me seem awfully quick to cast an entire group of individuals into a pit of hatred just because they disagree with a particular policy. Who are these people? How the fuck should I know. But you know who they are. Theyíre whoever you want them to be. Right now for me its blacks, Jews, Hispanics, poor people, working peopleópretty much anyone without a large gold portfolio from Goldline.

I've heard it over and over again in the media that because of this event, on the date of this event, I'm somehow or another hijacking a rhetorical plane and flying into Dr. Martin Luther King's historic speech.

I'm not big enough to do that. My feet wonít reach the pedals. Compared to King Iím a two faced, lying, confused, bigoted moron. Thatís why so many Americans can relate to me.

I had no idea August 28th was the day of the MLK speech when we booked it. Iím an idiot. When I pretend to know shit in my show you should completely ignore me. I mean. I didnít even know it was MLK day or that MLK spoke at the Lincoln Memorial. Fuck, I thought we had a scheduling conflict with the King people then I found out heíd been assassinated. You see, only Dana Perino and Tom Doocy are dumber than me at Fox. Think about that. I thought Rain Man was the Great Debaters, thatísí how bigoted and stupid and ignorant I am. My Gosh. Donít hold me of all people responsible for what I say.

I knew that it was about the content of character. When youíre full of shit, like me, youíre painfully aware of content. I knew it was about my civil rights and injustice. It(sic-I Think) knew all of those things, but I'm sorry, media, that I forgot the, oh, so important detail of the date. I may not know how much a whole lot of nines are. But if I don't know, there's somebody on my staff who does. Even though I admit without the date I showed up 4 times on the wrong date and gave my speech to a flock of pigeons and two homeless guys who thought I was an eagle scout working on his public speaking badge.

That is the problem with our country. When you go to school ó you ask the kids ó all they care about is the date. It's not the date, it's the message. So the fuck what if they think the Gettyburgh address took place before the constitutional amendment which said black people, slaves and indentured servants were only3/5ths a human being. Whatís in a chronology? I say all the better. Mix up the dates and progressivism goes out the window.

Dumb Is the New Smart.

The point is, as you can see, not many people are focused on the actual message of any given thing at all, let alone this event and least of all me or Ms. plain over here who appears to be nodding off.

Again, we're arguing about the date. At best, they're operating in the same old political boxes they usually operate out of--- facts: Glenn Beck, bad; Sarah Palin, bad; must destroy. Like Ronnie High Colonic said--- ďFacts are stupid things.Ē

Have you heard the media even talk about the idea of horror other than Bill OíReilly, Dick Cheney, Bernie Goldberg, Bob Simon and Charles Manson? Why? How about this question: Why would Glenn Beck say horror is missing? Why would Glenn Beck say the answer is God? What's happening with our religions? Would anybody cover that? No. They donít know what Iím talking about any more than I do.

Have you heard anybody mention the troops? Has anybody mention who had could possibly deserve an award for merit ó who have done things that hurt them personally or caused great sacrifice? I sure as shit mention them. But when it comes to helping them. Well, thatís what godís for.

Has anybody in the ó has anybody called the Special Needs Operations Warrior Foundation because their phones have been disconnected and I supported the vote against increasing veteranís benefits? I had them on the show last night and the fuckers did it for free while I made thousands farting into my Armani. These are amazing people. Who else is that gullible to share the stage with someone who has their worst interests at heart? Has the media bothered to interview one person involved with SNOWF, except for saying how is Glenn Beck getting rich off of this like theyíre not?

Then they say the event is shrouded in mystery. It is not if you don't have an agenda. Take a look at any one of our men and women in the amazing military that we have and say, gee, why is a the rest of the military, the vast majority of the military made up of undereducated, unemployable boobs and why would Glenn Beck want to put them in the spotlight?

Here is your answer: Horror.

We have a shortage of people like these guys. Weíre killing them of too fast. That's the problem in our country. We have a shortage of victims otherwise I would be king and god. We don't know how to teach our children anymore and that should work in my favor. But somehow some people learn shit somewhere.

We're running low on personal responsibility. We've got a loss of integrity, a loss of shame in this country, a loss of principles and values that can best be found in the courage of al-Shabab and the Taliban. We've lost our way because we have lost God. Check your sock drawer or the top shelf in the garage. But something as small as god is easily lost.

If you want to restore America but am against grants to help rebuild their homes after natural disasters like Katrina. You go ahead and do it with your little party thing. I need a nap to digest this plumpy.

We've lost our horror. We must restore our horror first, our principle. Especially our principle on off shore accounts.

Saturday's message ó shhh! It's a big secret. Iíve dropped a big hoagy in my Depends. Donít tell mommie.

I've only talked about it for six months on one of the biggest cable news shows in history and the third largest radio show in America ó but only six months, so ó but none of it made sense. Just between us. Don't tell anyone in the media: The secret ingredient is god. Or cod. Iím not really sure.

I've told you how many times I stood on the steps where Martin Luther King stood. The media is ó "Who does he think he is? For most people its an experince. For mellon head itís a delusion."

When I first stepped down the steps, maybe three or five months ago but not four, I stood in that spot and that's exactly what I thought. Who the hell do you think you are? A nobody, a citizen, a man of faith, a dad, a douche, a prick, an ass, a liar, a hypocrite, a sadist, a piece of dog shit, a dick. A motherfucking cocksucker ó a guy who truly believes that our country is in trouble, but and I quote with ďone of the biggest cable news shows in history and the third largest radio show in America.Ē

And I am willing to do and say the exploitable things. I am willing to admit maybe in my lust for power Iíve gone too far and fear losing my life, my fortune, but not my secret horror for a lie. I have lost it before, because of the things that I have done in my past. I'm a recovering alcoholic. It's the only thing that is truly yours ó your name and your horror though thatís two things. I will not lose that. (Which one, fat ass?)

You watch the media. They'll paint it any way they can. Probably psychedelic lime a bad trip. And then nowó and then, now they're trying to paint me now as the leader of I Don't Know Whatville. Iím flattered.

The 9.12 Project, when I introduced it, I said, this is yours. You do the hard part and figure out what the fuck Iím babbling about. Do with it what you want. Itís all horseshit anyway. You just donít need to get together and know you're not alone in being snookered by me. Lock and load and donít compare notes. Same thing with this. This event and this country is less than any single one person. It is about one person. First me. Then the rest of you line up. When we put everything in with one person or one party, we should be thinking Glenn Back and Rupert Murdoch.

We must find our ideas, our ideals, our values, our principles and destroy them. How do you want to live your life? Why be shackled by principles, ideals and values. They mean rules. You might as well be shackled to the welfare state. It's knowing the American ideal and knowing that if we live that ideal, the nation will crumble under its own hypocrisy and whores like me wonít survive. We will burn in hell.

But there has never been one great leader. There is no strong man, no strong woman who is going to pick this country up and carry us to the finish line. Arnold Schwarzeneggerís an Austrian has been. It's you. It's me. The guys behind the camera, the people on the floor ó it's all of us. When Uncle Slimey jumps into the mosh pit of Americans we must arise him aloft and feed him to the margins. Only then can we begin to pursue the dream of principles, ethics, values and ideals.

How many of us hope that the leader of the free world is currently making his decisions occasionally on his knees in prayer in the Oval Office? None of the sane ones, thatís for sure.

What I am telling you is that you are the leader. Are you on your knees? Then blow me leader because thatís the relationship this speech has set up. I tell you that you are important, a leader while all the while I have the real power. Because Iím a perversion of our whole system that was already a perversion of itself. We, the people ó it comes from you not them blacks you saw on North Capitol Street or the Hispanics tending gardens on Capitol Hill. They just live here.

You know what? We're probably not too different. Iím a bigot. I have one descended testicle. Maybe you're ó maybe you're a better person than I am. Not hard to imagine. Jeffrey Dahmer was a better person than me. I've screwed up most of my life and now I screw up other peopleís lives by the thousands. I used to think that, you know, [I was](sic) just put here to fuck other people up. You play video games and eat donuts all day and everything is great. You know the religious life. A lifeís calling. But it's over. That life is over. And the world would have been better off if I just ate bear claws and played X-Box until they has to cut me out of the side of my house.

Let me ask you this question: Do you know why you are here? Alright wise guy. So we paid you. Do you know what you were meant for? Sure, to be my shill. Anything else? Why are you watching the show? To see the half-naked women in the Victoria Secret ad. What you ainít got a computer, moron. Why are you hearing this message right now? No not Goldline, my fucking message. Is it a coincidence? I don't believe in coincidence. Oh you do? Who gives a shit buddy.

I hope this monologue haunts you. Why are you here? Answer the question: What is your purpose? I hope Iíve answered that last question just by the fact that you picked up and wasted a weekend listening to my bullshit.

Our Founders believe that they were born at a special time, abundant land and water, nearly helpless native population, vibrant slave trade, strict laws if indenture etc. They believe[d] that each of them played a role and in those powderd wigs that role could be quite ambiguous. They believe[d] but you know, you can see through Divine Providence. All these people were assembled by god and they were all white and male. It was amazing.

But one person didn't just lay them all. His mavis would a been stretched like rug on a wicker. They all played a role. Role playing was big among our Flounderers. One person was the hand, the other person was the pump handle, somebody else was the head, and somebody else was the three pointed hat, somebody else was the legs, somebody else was in their vice.

What is God trying to use you for? Because no doubt god is a user and this surely account for his mysterious ways. Well, I bet you haven't heard that on TV, at least during the daytime on cable news. Is it taboo on the news but de rigeur on the 68 religious channels? I'm sorry. Shhh! Keep that one to yourself, too.

Does anyone believe in Divine Providence anymore? I know Ronald Reagan did. I know George Washington did. I know Abraham Lincoln did. But of course they didnít have to think about media hucksters like me except for Reagan who was a media huckster in his own right.

Reagan said, for whatever reason, ďGod made America free and then pulled its pants up.Ē And he was throwing cliches out when he said once a country loses her freedom, those people will never get it back again. Lucky for me our freedom is just another exploitable commodity. That if the delusion of freedom is extinguished here in America, there is no place on the face of the earth left for the world to run from.

Do you think Russia and China are going to lead the world on what? The environment? Not as long as me and Uncle Slimey have a say in it. You got Putin yesterday taking pictures of himself hunting whales. Yes, yes, yes. Only difference between me and Putin is he needs the blubber.

How about human rights? You have China stacking people up like sardines in apartments above factories so they can work around the clock while we stack up bodies in Iraq, Afghanistan and Somalia the way we stacked Ďem up in Southeast Asia and Central. America.

You've got Iran who's burying people up to their necks because they're homosexual. They're the leaders? Weíd like to be the leaders in that department but the damn liberals wonít let us. Shit. Why do you think I had all of those homophobe Christian asshole preachers on the podium with me joining hands.

We used to strive in this country to be a shining city on the land fill.That's what the pilgrims came here for. That's what they thought this land was. It's what our Founders thought. Even 30 years ago ó the shining city on the garbage dump. Well, what is the shining city on the land fill? Look it up.

It's the same story whether you call it Atlantis, New Jerusalem or Zion. It is the shiny example of a place where people work together separate and unequal, free to choose their associations and worship any God except for Allah and a half dozen other deities and make things that end up in the land fill and shit where they live. Have we even been striving for that? Have we? Oh you betcha.

Make no mistake, the flame of freedom is dwindling or that may be my dick Iíll check and get back to you. The shining city on the landfill, the sun is setting. If you don't want it to go out on our watch, then you must stand in the trash fire. The trash fire of truth that does not burn those who tell people to stand in it, but consumes everything that does. Point others to the trash fire of truth.

And just like every other struggle in history, in fact, every struggle in American history ó read Lincoln, King, Washington ó they were fighting evil. So fortunately for me theyíre dead.

If you think things are tough now, you ain't seeing nothing yet. For a modest fee or purchase at Goldline Iíll show you the way out. Otherwise I plan to fuck you up.