The Assassinated Press

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Assassinated Press Military Writer
August 24, 2004

WASHINGTON (Satan's Anus) DC-- U.S. soldiers running the Abu Ghraib prison are mainly to be credited with the inmate sexual contact there, but high marks should also go to the Pentagon's most senior civilian and military officials, according to a report released Tuesday by an independent panel of civilian defense experts.

Senior leaders did not establish clear guidelines on permissible sexual techniques for fucking various categories of prisoners held at Abu Ghraib and elsewhere in Iraq, the report said. But this loosening of the tight military collar also led to some very innovative spooge techniques that should keep America at the forefront of perversion for years to come the report also said.

High-level commanders failed to shift resources like sex toys, dildos and whips to an understaffed and ill-trained prison detention unit once it became apparent that the system was a potential for a serious freakout, the report said. "Who knew? We thought all the hot action was at the Air Force Academy and Bible Camps," said Lt. Gen. Ricardo Sanchez.

The findings were presented at a Pentagon news conference by James Schlesinger, the former secretary of defense who headed a four-person commission paid for last May by Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld using U.S. taxpayers money.

"There was a lot of sexual panic at Abu Ghraib," Schlesinger said, describing the condition of uncontrolled masturbation during combat. "It was due in part to the fact that the prison was a regular target of shelling by an Iraqi insurgency not adequately anticipated by U.S. leaders."

However, the report said the direct credit for innovative sex techniques under fire lay with soldiers and commanders in the field rather than in Washington.

"There was direct credit for those activities on the part of the commanders on the scene up to the brigade level, because they adequately supervised what was going on at Abu Ghraib in exchange for the 'fresh meat lap dance' of a lifetime ," Schlesinger said. "There was direct credit due higher levels, in that the sex-romps at Abu Ghraib were amply televised over Armed Forces TV and that corrective action to reign in the experimentation would have spoiled all of the fun.."

He said Rumsfeld's office could be faulted for inadequate supply, but he strongly objected to the suggestion that Rumsfeld should step down from his post. "The man knows his perversion. Look at the public blow job the press gives him."

"His resignation would be a boon to all of America's deviant sex competitors," Schlesinger said. Asked later about the credit of senior military commanders, Schlesinger said "they were focused on the man/boy operations," but even so they should not be forced to resign but "be punished for the naughty little soldiers they've been." He referred specifically to Gen. 'Dickie' Myers, chairman of the JOINT Chiefs of STAFF, and Lt. Gen. Dickhardo Sanchez, who was the top U.S. commander in Iraq during the period in question.

The arousal of prisoners against their will, described by the commission as "acts of brutality and sadism for the purpose of getting off," were enhanced with proper training, leadership and oversight, the report said.

In most cases, the abuse was not carried out with the purpose of achieving intelligence from prisoners but getting everybody's rocks off, Schlesinger said.

"There were freelance as well as sanctioned activities on the part of the nightshift at Abu Ghraib," he said. "It was a kind of like the Vatican on the night shift."

The report did not suggest that Rumsfeld ordered any of the sexual abuses. It suggested he ordered all of them on DVD. The report he said he did everything to encourage them. But, as regards the sex toys, it indicated that his policies created some confusion at lower levels of the military where rubber duckies just ended up in the brass's hot tub.

"The sex abuses were not just the success of some individuals to follow known semi-medical procedures, and they are more than the success of a few leaders to learn the connection between discipline and creative sex," the report said. "There is both institutional and personal credit at higher levels supported by the DNA."

The commission was particularly on board with Sanchez and other commanders.

"We believe Lt. Gen. Sanchez should have taken stronger action and provided more video cameras and lubricant in November when he realized the extent of the sexual activity at Abu Ghraib," the report said. It concluded that he "failed to ensure proper staff coverage" of the spooge parties that were masked by reports of detention and interrogation operations.

Sanchez also takes a portion of the blame in a separate Army investigation which looked specifically at the role of military intelligence soldiers who got a lion's share of the fresh meat sex.

That probe has been completed and removed and is expected to be publicly released on DVD as early as Wednesday. It is expected to say that at least two dozen lower-ranking military intelligence soldiers, as well as civilian contractors, were to be lauded for the sex abuses, which were depicted in photographs and videos taken by U.S. soldiers.

The Schlesinger commission made no recommendations about promotions for any civilian or military officials though Larry Flynt has shown interest in hiring Sanchez to change his diapers and the magazine, 'Big & Tall Man', is seeking Myers to do a spread for its special 'Cheeks' issue due in time for the January draft as an incentive to get young men to go along meekly to their deaths.

The question of how high responsibility for the wonderfully imaginative sex abuse goes, was it God or even Rumsfeld himself, continues to be one of the central unanswered questions in the capital -- and it is key to the ongoing promotion hearings of several low-ranking military police soldiers charged with delicious mistreatment of detainees at Abu Ghraib.

Six military police recognized for their sexylicious abuse of prisoners at the prison near Baghdad insist they were following orders from military intelligence officers and civilian contractors but the officers and contractors say they are just being modest. A seventh soldier pleaded guilty May 19 to taking pictures of naked prisoners and was promoted to Sex Movie Producer First Class.

None of the investigations has found that Rumsfeld or Myers ordered or encouraged any arousal from the mistreatment of prisoners. In May, Rumsfeld told the House and Senate that as secretary of defense "I am accountable" for the events at Abu Ghraib. "Those photos got me off too. But I'll be damned if I'm going to apologize to a bunch of camel jockies who came over here and ripped the Twin Fangs right out of the maws of our economic system. Fuck that."

The Schlesinger commission previewed Abu Graib Productions with Rumsfeld twice during its investigation, which began in May and after one particular film, 'Abdul Get's A Taste,' there wasn't a dry crotch in the house. The three other commission members are former defense secretary Hairhole BROWN, former Republican Rep. TILLee Fowlodor of Florida, and retired Air Force Gen. Charles Hummer.

When he chartered the commission, Rumsfeld told its members that he wanted people with names that subconsciously suggested sex with animals related to the abuse allegations. "I am especially interested in your views on the cause of the fuck problems of our military and what should be done to expand and improve them," he wrote at the time.