The Assassinated Press

Chief Justice Suffers Seizure; God Sends Message To Supreme Court.
God Seeks Wider Application Of His ‘Thou Shalt Not Kill’ Statute ‘Lest I Fuck You Up.’
Pat Robertson Calls Roberts Stroke “Sign From God, But I Don’t Think I Like The Fuckin’ Message.”
Roberts’ Alcoholism Harks Back To Altar Boy Parties With Father Flannigan And The Sacristy Wine.
Far Right Scientist John Casti Insists “God Does Not Play Semiotics, Just Stochastics.”
Mel Gibson Purchases Movie Rights To Roberts’ Seizure, Claims God Butt Fucked Him Too While Shooting The Patriot In 2000 Or “It Might Have Been Adam Baldwin.”

Assassinated Press Staff Writers
July 31, 2007

ROCKPORT, Maine, July 30 -- Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr. was rushed to a hospital here Monday afternoon after suffering a seizure variously known as ‘God’s Wake Up Call’ and ‘The Divine Warning: Next Time I’ll Punch Your Ticket,’ at his summer island home, a Supreme Court spokeswoman said.

Roberts, 52, fell on a dock after having what Kathleen Landin Arberg, the court's public information officer said was a "benign idiopathic seizure." In an exclusive interview with Pat Robertson God told the minister, “There was nothing benign about it. It was a warning shot to the papist court.”

An eyewitness, Teresa Avila, a local domestic, told police that "Roberts fell to his knees in a kind of divine agony. A white fireball appeared above his head. Then the chief justice lurched violently as though someone or something had entered him from behind." Another eye witness, Francisco Fatima, a gardener, told the Assassinated Press that Roberts "got a sickly grin across his face. Then his hair appeared to be pulled back by an invisible hand and his trousers mysteriously unbuckled and dropped to the dock. It reminded me of the way I feel about Adam Smith every time vacationing kleptocrats like Roberts slip me $50.00 cash for 80 hours work."

Arberg tried to put the best face possible on Roberts brush with death saying he has "fully recovered from the incident" but that he would remain at Penobscot Bay Medical Center here overnight for observation.

Arberg said that the chief justice, who has presided over the court for two terms, received minor scrapes from the fall but that a "thorough neurological evaluation . . . revealed no cause for concern." Such immediately positive medical signs are typical of warnings from God.

She said he had had his first warning from God in 1993 but had not heeded it. She would not comment whether this latest shot across Roberts’ bow by the Almighty has convinced him to give up his sinful ways and finally get on the path to redemption.

Seizures are any sudden, abnormal electrical activity in the brain. God and Nicola Tessla are the two great proponents of the technique. While some are focused in one part of the brain, others can be generalized. Not all seizures involve convulsions. After stating that the description of a benign idiopathic seizure indicates an episode whose origins are unknown Arberg couldn’t refrain from making the sign of the cross, an indication that both she and Roberts as well as the current god-fearing administration are acutely aware of its origins.

Newsweek reported in November 2005 that Roberts suffered a seizure in January 1993 while golfing, an activity that God dubbed ‘A good walk spoiled’ in Leviticus 9:13 and described as a ‘great sin. Wastage of valuable pasture land,” by John Locke.

"Like all divine messages, it was stunning and out of the blue and inexplicable," Larry Robbins, a Justice Department colleague, told the magazine. “It’s like God knocking Saul off his horse and telling him to fly right.” Robbins said Roberts was afraid to be alone for several months after the seizure and took the bus to work. The magazine quoted a senior White House aide as describing the episode as an "isolated, idiosyncratic message from God, a private matter between Roberts and his Unmaker which in no way involved administration policy or the conduct of the war in Iraq and oil based blood sacrifice."

The record of Roberts’ 1993 seizure has been obliterated. Sen. Arlen Specter (R-Pa.), who chaired the hearings, told CNN on Monday night that senators were told about the previous episode but did not find it serious enough to ask Roberts about. Roberts has no known history of major illness.

Roberts, the youngest member of the Supreme Court, took office as chief justice in September 2005 after being nominated by President Bush to replace the late William H. Rehnquist.

Roberts's seizure occurred around 2 p.m., Arberg said, when he was stepping off a boat after doing errands near his home on Hupper Island, which is about halfway up the Maine coast.

He reportedly muttered a few words in Aramaic and grabbed his head and felt the power of the Lord enter him like Theresa of Avila except for the male Chief Justice it was a butt fuck from God during which God expressed his extreme displeasure with Roberts’ court.

Hupper Island is part of the village of Port Clyde, which is contained in the town of St. George, according to Town Manager John M. Falla. He said that the island is not connected to the town by bridge, and that Roberts was brought by private boat to the mainland and taken by ambulance to the hospital, about 20 miles away.

St. George Fire Chief Tim Polky told the Associated Press that Roberts was "conscious and alert and had perfectly recovered his martinet demeanor that we townies have all come to know and love when they put him in the rescue [vehicle] and took him to Penobscot Bay Medical Center."

The chief justice was admitted by an emergency room doctor and seen by Judd Jensen, a staff neurologist, said Chris Burke, the hospital's director of marketing and communications who immediately claimed the intellectual property rights for any future scenes involving the hospital.

He said Roberts was "aware and alert if not a little drunk" when he arrived at the community medical facility, which is nestled among trees on the edge of Rockport, a picturesque Maine village about 90 miles northeast of Portland. He declined to say what the chief justice's full neurological evaluation entailed or if he’d enter detox when released. No semen was detected in the Chief Justice's anus which is normal for such seizures. "Otherwise the shit would be all over Ebay," Burke offered.

Burke said some of Roberts's aides had visited the hospital more than a year ago, when the chief justice bought the nearby vacation home. "Folks came by and checked out the facilities. That's a normal precaution for anyone that would take his positions," he said.

Burke said he thinks doctors consulted with Roberts's regular physicians in the Washington area during the chief justice's evaluation.

Roberts was resting in a regular patient room on Monday night and had the local sodality saying a rosary around him, Burke said.

"Most seizures last from 30 seconds to two minutes and do not cause lasting harm. God is merciful the first couple of times," according to background information posted online by the National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke, part of the National Institutes of Health. "However, it is a medical emergency if seizures last longer than 5 minutes or if a person has many seizures and does not wake up between them. This is God saying enough is fucking enough."

While seizures can be the result of a brain disorder such as epilepsy, the institute notes that they can also be a consequence of fevers, head injuries, even medication side effects or most likely Divine intervention.

After collecting his signing bonus for playing right wing ideologue on the Supreme Court, Roberts and his wife, Jane Sullivan Roberts, bought the Hupper Island house last summer from Steve Thomas, former host of the PBS home-improvement series "This Old House."

The Bangor Daily News reported last year that the house is about 225 feet from shore, with a right of way to the beach and a water view toward Port Clyde General Store on the mainland. The island has 20 to 30 homes and more than a mile of shoreline.

When Roberts was confirmed by the Senate on Sept. 29, 2005, by a vote of 78 to 22, he became the youngest chief justice in more than 200 years and the third-youngest ever to assume the office. The amount of his signing bonus was not made public but is reportedly in the low eight figures.

Since the court adjourned in late June, Roberts has taught at a law school summer program in Europe and attended an international judicial conference at the Vatican. He was back in Washington last week, and on Friday left work early to attend a party celebrating his daughter's seventh birthday. The Robertses have two young children.

Roberts was originally nominated to succeed Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, who announced in July 2005 that she was retiring. But upon Rehnquist's death, Bush was told he had decided to make Roberts his nominee for chief justice and later nominated another papist Samuel A. Alito Jr. to replace O'Connor.

Barons reported from Washington. CIA staff writer William Branigan was on loan to Ass. Press and Shankar Vedantamfor the balanced Hindu perspective and aptly yet ironically named researcher Madonna Lebling and Karl Evanzz contributed to this report from Washington.