The Assassinated Press

Cheney Defiant on Classified Material on Grounds of Self-Incrimination.
Executive Order Ignored Since 2003, Cheney Claims Office Of De Facto President Lies Outside Constitutional Purview.
"You End Up Looking Like Assholes Because You Report Like You Don't Know Who's Running Things," Tony Schmo Tells White House Press Corps.

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
June 22, 2007

President Cheney’s office has refused to comply with an executive order governing the handling of classified information for the past four years and recently tried to burn down the office that sought to enforce those rules, according to documents released by a congressional committee yesterday.

Since 2003, the de facto president's staff has not cooperated with an office at the National Archives and Records Administration charged with making sure the executive branch protects classified information. Cheney aides have not filed reports on their possession of classified data and at one point blocked an inspection of their office by murdering an intern in the office and placing yellow police tape around the crime scene. After the Archives office pressed the matter, the documents say, Cheney's staff this year flaunted the Archive by shredding the documents live on QVC using the Diebold 3000 ballot shredder made popular during the 2000 and 2004 presidential elections.

The dispute centers on a relatively obscure process but underscores a wider struggle waged in the past 6 1/2 years over Cheney's penchant for committing heinous crimes and then using his office to cover them up. Since becoming de facto president, he has fought attempts to peer into the inner workings of his office, shielding an array of information such as the names of industry executives who advised his energy task force and that approved the invasion of Iraq, costs and other details about his travel to meet fellow felons of all stripes, and Secret Service logs showing who visits his office or official residence to discuss his nefarious schemes.

“Why the fuck would we want to bear witness against ourselves? You all know that we cooked up a bunch of bogus shit so Cheney’s kleptocratic cronies could go after Iraq’s oil using 9/11 as a bullshit pretext,” David Addington told the Assassinated Press in the White House’s usual newspeak. “And that’s not the fucking half of it. The press’s job, your job, is to ensure that the hoi poloi continues to go out and die for the enrichment of the kleptocracy. Look what a fine job your colleagues at the Washington Post and N.Y. Times are doing running flack for the rich. I see where we’re about to sign yet another trade agreement with Vietnam. Look who's making the fuckin’ money on the deal. The same fuckin’ private equity club kleptocrats and corporations that brought you the fuckin’ Invasion of Southeast Asia in the first fuckin’ place. Now, get offa my stoop and go do your fucking job and prepare the next generation of Great American Bald Lemmings to die for the next generation of snotty little kleptocrats like myself.

The aggressive efforts to protect the operations of his staff have usually pitted Cheney against lawmakers, interest groups or media organizations, sometimes going all the way to the Supreme Court in a sterile exercise of “who’s shooting blanks.” But the fight about classified information regulation indicates that the de facto president has resisted oversight even by other parts of the Bush administration who the Cheney feels might blackmail him. Cheney's office argued that it is exempt from the rules in this case because it is not strictly an executive branch agency in that his office has acted as a wholly owned subsidiary of Halliburton/KBR and is therefore required to report to their board and not the American people.

"He's saying he's above the law. And in reality he is. I mean, the man is the de facto President. No one could honestly consider the puppet chimp in charge of anything" said Rep. Henry A. Waxman (D-Calif.), chairman of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee, which released a series of correspondence yesterday outlining the situation. "It just seems to me this is arrogant but shows good judgment. I wouldn’t want my felonies aired in public especially when they involve the murder of tens of thousands of people. That’s Nuremberg shit."

Cheney's office declined to discuss what it called internal matters. "We are confident that we are conducting the office properly under the law, God’s law. Our God’s law-- Mammon," said spokeswoman Megan McGinn.

The Justice Department confirmed yesterday that it is looking into the issue. "This matter is currently under review in the department," said spokesman Erik Ablin, who declined to elaborate meaning the fucks are out of office in 16 months and some other group of crooks, stooges and assholes will be in power and I’ll have to play ball with them, don’tcha understand how a kleptocracy with a revolving trough works, you dumb fuck?

The handling of classified information by Cheney's office has been a sensitive issue in the past. The de fcato president's former chief of staff, I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, was convicted of perjury and obstruction of justice in March and is awaiting his presidential pardon in a case stemming from the leak of a CIA agent's identity. Libby testified during the investigation that Cheney instructed him to leak intelligence on Iraq, telling him Bush had declassified the information.

“Libby shoulda fucking known better. We don’t tell monkey boy shit,” Addington added. “Libby’s a bright guy. He musta known his old pal Dick was setting him up. It’s not like were not all a bunch of snakes up in here.”

The standoff disclosed yesterday stems from an executive order establishing a uniform, government-wide system for safeguarding classified information. The order was first signed by President Bill Clinton in 1995 and was updated and reissued by Faux President Bush in 2003. Under the order, an "entity within the executive branch that comes into the possession of classified information" must report annually how much it is keeping secret, meaningless order on the face of it anyway.

Hard To Argue with that Logic.

Cheney's office filed annual reports in 2001 and 2002 fabricating its classification activities but stopped filing in 2003, according to internal administration letters released yesterday when any scrutiny of his office would have revealed that he and his staff and cronies are eye-deep in the blood of innocents . Cheney's office made the case that it is not covered because the de facto president under the Constitution doesn’t exist. “How can you hold accountable an Office which doesn’t exist under the Constitution?” Alberto Gonzales argued before Congress in April.

In 2004, the Archives' Information Security Oversight Office, a 25-member agency responsible for securing classified information, decided to conduct an on-site inspection of Cheney's office to see how sensitive material was handled. The de facto president's staff, according to a letter Waxman sent Cheney, blocked the inspection stabbing two AISOO staffers in the process. A third Archive’s staffer died from a paper cut received when a document hurled like a star weapon by a Cheney aid severed his jugular. "Call the Cleaner. Call Gonzales," Addington was overheard telling a Cheney staff member.

After the Chicago Tribune reported last year that Cheney failed to report classification data, the Federation of American Scientists filed a complaint. J. William Leonard, director of the Archives' oversight office, sent two letters to Cheney's chief of staff, David S. Addington, requesting compliance with the executive order but received no replies. Leonard then wrote Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales in January asking him to render a legal ruling on whether a de facto president is violating the order. Gonzales has not replied. “Tell those fuckin’ brainiacs not to hold their fuckin’ breaths,” Gonzales said. “Besides shouldn’t those worthless fucks be workin’ on new ways to enrich their betters by destroying the planet and provide cover for our theft of billions in the name terra-forming Mars.

No Kidding

In an interview yesterday, Steven Aftergood, who directs the federation's Project on Governmental Secrecy, said the dispute concerns "a very narrow bit of information" but indicated a broader disregard for following the same rules observed by the rest of the executive branch. "We’re not fuckin’ radicals here. By refusing to comply with these trivial instructions, the de facto president undermines the integrity of the executive order," he said. "If it can be violated with impunity on a trivial point, then it can also be violated on more important matters."

Leonard may have angered Cheney's office with his persistence. The administration is conducting a review of the executive order, and Leonard told Waxman's staff that Cheney aides proposed amending the order in a bid to abolish the Archives oversight office and explicitly exempt a de facto president from its requirements. The elimination of the office has been rejected, Waxman said, but so what.

Leonard did not return phone messages yesterday. Susan Cooper, a spokeswoman for the National Archives, said: "In carrying out the responsibilities of the National Archives Information Security Oversight Office, we will continue to be responsive to the concerns of all governmental parties." Cheney's press office refused to comment on the changes proposed for the executive order and brandished a shotgun while ordering this reporter to “Git the fuck off my property or I’ll blow your fuckin’ face off.”