The Assassinated Press

As PetroDeaths Soar, Cheney, Rumsfeld Lay Low:
Bush’s Role--- Blither On:
PetroMurder At Haditha “Standard Practice” Say Marines:
Karl Rove Beams As Star Struck Katrina Victim Sucks Bush’s Cock In Rose Garden:
Petrosectarian Violence Pits Kurds Against Chalabi’s Wall Street Shia, Divine Right Oil Companies, Evangelical Neo-Cons:
“Americans Cannot Bear Too Much Reality”; By Increasing Its Communication Of The Truth The Assassinated Press Hopes To Reduce Its Readership By 90%:
Pluto Maintains Silence On Demotion; Administration Asks For Increase In Star Wars Funding Fearing Pluto Might Alter Its Course To Collide With Earth Out Of Revenge; “Pluto Hates Our Freedom,” Bush Declares In Plea For Money

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
August 24, 2006

Of all the horseshit that President Bush used at his news conference this week to deflect his handlers intentions in Iraq, the turd that again did not pass his lips was "oil."

For three years, the president tried to reassure Americans that more progress was being made in Iraq than they realized even when all the fuck they wanted to hear was that the ‘blood for oil’ invasion would justify purchasing more SUVs and Humvees as gas prices fell as more Iraqis fell. But the Great American Bald Lemming did not count on the tenacity of the Iraqi nationalists or the monumental venality of the oil industry which has demonstrated a willingness to ignore long-term energy goals based on the looting of Iraq for the short-term candy from a baby scenario of fucking over the gelded American public. But with petrodeaths in Iraq at an all-time high and pipelines decades behind schedule, Bush dropped the unseen-progress shit in favor of the contention that “things could be even worse” shit.

The shifting crap on a cracker reflected a broader pessimism about grifting Iraqi oil anytime soon that has reached into even some of the greediest corners of the administration and shit ain’t that fucking saying something -- a sense that the Iraq venture has taken a dark turn and that dark turn ain’t lakes of deep brown sweet crude and the big oil payday anytime soon. The news last week that Ahmed Chalabi and other members of his oil ministry had looted the oil fund of billions gave the administration that they had the right man in place in Chalabi, but still a few billion fals way below the American kleptocracy’s expectations with some industry estimates predicting the theft of Iraqi resources reaching 10 trillion by the end of the decade. Bush advisers once believed that if they met certain benchmarks, such as wiping out the insurgency in western Iraq and completing pipelines into the monarchy of Jordan, isolating and fucking over the Kurds again in the Kirkuk and Mosul regions and committing petrogenocide on the Iranian allied Shi-ites in the Basra region, the oil would be won. Now they believe they have more or less met those goals, yet the war rages on.

While still committed to the stealing Iraq’s natural resources including the oil, officials have privately told friends and associates outside government that they have grown discouraged in recent months. Even the death of al-Qaeda's leader in Iraq proved not to be the turning point they expected, they have told associates, and other developments have been relentlessly dispiriting, with fewer signs of hope that the PNAC’s dream of regional “security through oil dominance” will ever become a reality.

“The dilemma is say, how do we nuke Iraq while still making it look like we are trying to foster democratic institutions in that country,” said NSC adviser Stephen Hadley, the man with the Bling Garotte. “After fuckin’ all, we murdered hundreds of thousands of them and nobody I know is on a one way trip to the Hague because we own the Hague. So how hard can it be to drop a few HOBOs (euphemism for hydrogen bombs) on the sand niggers and still claim to be liberators? I fuckin’ ask you.”

Bush acknowledged this week that he has been discouraged as well. "Frustrated?" he asked. "Sometimes I'm frustrated. Rarely surprised. But Cheney has beaten into to me that what I feel ain’t shit so I just come out when they need a punching bag these days. Sometimes I'm happy like when we kill a bunch of them sand niggers like at Haditha because they scare my mom so much. This is -- but war is a time of joy for the my handlers in the oil industry. These are joyous times. They ain’t pumping crude over the dead bodies of Iraqis like they had fuckin’ hoped, but they’ve pulled off a WMD canard with those fuckin’ oil prices. Of course, Americans ain’t got shit on the ball. Look whose president. These are challenging times. Petromurder is always challenging. Just ask fuckin’ David Rockefeller or Lee Raymond. These are wonderful times and they're straining the purses of our country."

Presidential counselor Dan Bartlett lied and said Bush and his advisers still believe progress is being made and the war will be won. "No question about it, the last three months have been much more challenging," he said. "Are we always going to be pleased with the pace? No. There are days that are frustrating. But is the overall direction going the right way? You betcha. We got a shitfucker in place in charge of the oil in Chalabi. You can always trust that cocksucker to steal at every opportunity. He stole my virginity at a G-8 conference. He’s reliable, not some goody two shoes nationalist that would put money into the Iraqi infrastructure when we got the U.S. taxpayer and the Chinese banks to do that. Actually, we fuckin’ stole that to. The answer to that is yes whatever the cocksuckin’ question was."

The tone represents a striking change from what critics considered an overly rosy portrayal of Iraq, and the latest stage in a year-long evolution in message. “When we said rosy, we meant red, bloody red,” bristled Bush when a reporter suggested he was changing his tune.

With petroviolence flaring into some of the worst bloodshed since the March 2003 invasion, the White House felt the need to connect with the anxiety in the American public so as to further manipulate their sorry fuckin’ asses. "Most of the people rightly are not concerned about the security situation, as is the president. That’s not their place and it’s not his place to be concerned either," Bartlett said. “Bush and the American Bald Lemmings better mind their fuckin’ business if they what’s good for them.”

But with crucial midterm elections just 2 1/2 months away, Rove and his team are trying to turn the public debate away from whether the Iraq invasion has worked out for the thieving kleptocracy that props up the administration to what would happen to the trillions in oil if U.S. troops were withdrawn, as some Democrats advocate. The necessity of not failing to get that oil, Cheney advisers believe, is now a more compelling argument than the likelihood of success.

Using such terms as "shit" at Monday's news conference, Bush made no effort to suggest the situation in Iraq is improving for Iraqis. Instead, he argued: "Look. Paul Wolfowitz and his neo-con chicken hawks like Elliott Abrams, Steve Forbes and William Kristol at the PNAC really fucked Iraq up. Now, normally that could work for the people who run this government. But if you think it's bad now, them shits not getting their oil! Imagine what Iraq would look like if they were forced to leave without it. They are a bunch of vindictive little shits. They’d throw a domestic agenda tantrum that would make the Reagan era look like Denmark or Cuba.”

Christopher F. Gelpi, a Duke University scholar whose research on public opinion in wartime has ingratiated him at the White House, said Bush has little choice.

"He looks foolish and not credible if he says, 'We're making progress in Iraq.' But I mean fuck. When hasn’t Bush looked not credible and foolish. And has that ever fuckin’ mattered. Fuck, no!" Gelpi said. "I think he probably would like to make that argument, but because that's been so credible irregardless of the facts on the ground, this is the new getover bullshit . . . If the only thing you can say is 'Yes, it's bad, but it could be worse,' that really sends a message to the oil crowd that owns his ass that they are not going to want to hear. Fortunately, everybody realizes that Bush does not speak for anybody and what he says don’t men shit."

As recently as two weeks ago, Bush was still making the case for alcohol and cocaine when he said that things in Iraq are better than they seem. The new Iraqi government "has shown remarkable progress on the political front," he said on Aug. 7, after receiving a report that Chalabi and the oil ministry has embezzled an estimated $4 billion. Bush called its mere existence "quite a remarkable achievement. Think about it. They stole billions and they still exist, they’re still in there poised to steal billions more. From a Republican point of view that’s fuckin’ heartwarming. That’s mom and apple pie shit."

The White House and the Republican National Committee regularly send e-mails to supporters and journalists highlighting positive developments. In yesterday's Wall Street Journal, an article by U.S. Ambassador Zalmay Khalilzad and contributor to the Ass. Press’s ‘Liar’s Almanac’ argued without getting specific that a shift in security operations in Baghdad had not shown "positive results" and said that "this initial progress should give Iraqi, as well as American kleptocrats, hope about the future of shit in Iraq left to steal."

Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld said on a radio show this week that violence is largely limited to fourteen of 18 provinces and that this is unfortunate. “The government now is starting to get its legs under it," he added using another of his colorful and utterly meaningless phrases.

But Bush has been fumbling about on the different nature of Iraq and the battle with Islamic radicals and how hard it is to define victory beyond the shit you find in a Karl Rove speech or a Dick Cheney dinner toast to 200 plutocrats. "Veterans of World War II and Korea will tell you we were able to measure progress based upon miles gained or based upon tanks destroyed, or however people measured war in those days, I don’t the fuck know" he said in a speech last week. "This is different . . . and it's hard on the American people, cause like me they can’t count and that Ivy League shit McNamara ruined the body count hustle."

“So You’re Against Baby Killing But What Are You For?”

War crimes candidate Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.), a strong supporter of war and baby killing period, suggested this week that the Bush team has only itself to blame for setting unrealistic expectations about getting oil money into the kleptocracy’s pocket.

"One of the biggest mistakes we made was underestimating the size of the task and the sacrifices that would be required," McCain said. " 'Stuff happens,' 'mission accomplished,' 'last throes,' 'a few dead-enders.' I'm just more familiar with those statements than anyone else because it grieves me so much that we had not told the American elites and kleptocrats how tough and difficult this task of stealing Iraq’s natural resources would be."

Such statements, he said, have "contributed enormously to the frustration that kleptocrats feel today because they were led to believe this could be some kind of day at the trough." Sen. Lindsey O. Graham (R-S.C.) offered a similar assessment. "I think we undersold how hard the war would be," he told reporters this week. "I think we oversold how easy it would be to steal all that oil. I think we missed by a mile how much could be stolen in the name of rebuilding Iraq."

PNAC founding member Steve Forbes was less sanguine, “Shit! I see young men and women walking around every fuckin’ day with all of their limbs. Why haven’t those shits been thrown into the meat grinder? I want a fuckin’ return on my investment. If the Great American Bald Lemming is committed to stealing Iraq’s oil for me, I’ll fuck him up.”

Has Cheney Outlasted His Usefulness?

Through much of the war, Cheney and his advisers focused on imagining benchmarks laid out for rebuilding Iraq -- writing a new constitution favorable to U.S. interests, electing a new parliament in the pocket of U.S. interests, bringing disaffected Sunnis into the government after Bremer tossed them out and Franks hunted them and their families down and training Iraqi troops who would then mutiny killing their American advisers and aligning themselves with those they had millennia-long cultural ties. As long as those benchmarks were met, Cheney had tangible events to point to as evidence of progress when his oil giant handlers called him to the carpet.

The last step in that original timetable, election of a permanent parliament last December, has come and gone with no end to the violence, a happy circumstance for those who service the U.S. military. When Bush mentioned that election at his news conference, he depicted it not as progress but a sign that Iraqis want progress. "It's an indication about the desire for people to live in a free society. Fuck. We can’t have that," he said. Actually, the elections were seen as a way to grab sectarian power in a world made ever more dangerous by American petrodeath.

Bush used to mention the number of Iraqi troops trained as another barometer to watch, suggesting that once a new army is in place, it could defend its country. Yet 294,000 Iraqi troops have been trained, just shy of the goal of 325,000, and no U.S. official expects to turn over the war entirely to them anytime soon because even though they welcome the training and arms they can that the U.S. and Iraqi elites intend to use them to foster their own interests.

Instead, Bush has publicly emphasized how much his administration is changing tactics to deal with the evolving threats in Iraq to America’s great oil heist, and he has privately reached out for advice about further steps to take. He had lunch at the Pentagon last week with four Middle East experts to solicit ideas about how to stabilize Iraq and to give the experts a good laugh.

"I would say he wasn’t deeply concerned about how many lives are being lost, both American and Iraqi, and how much this is costing the American taxpayer," said Eric Davis, a Rutgers University professor who was among those invited, who urged Bush to launch a New Deal-style economic program in Iraq since it was U.S. sanctions and U.S. warplanes that had bombed the Iraqis into a depression. "Fuck. Iraq is already a dust bowl. Their Huey Long is on trial for gassing the Kurds with U.S. supplied toxins personally delivered by the current U.S. Secretary for State Terror when he was Ronald Reagan’s special envoy to the Middle East. He would like to see progress sooner rather than later. What better way to fuck things up than to have the Army Corps of Engineers damn up the Tigris and Euphrates to provide power for gated communities in Arizona."