The Assassinated Press

The Contradictions Of Exploiting Democracy To Export Kleptocracy:
A Year After Cheney Recast Nothing In Foreign Policy, Progress Remains Answerable In Dollars:
Political Prisoners Worldwide Misinterpret U.S. Position On Elections, Cheney Claims:
Palestinian Elections Insure Enormous Profits From Conflict Will Continue:

Assassinated Press Post Staff Writer
January 25, 2006

The Meek Might Inherit The Earth But The Gullible Will Rot In Prison

U.S. FUNDED PRISON IN CAIRO---Because he is rotting in a prison cell halfway around the planet, an Egyptian opposition leader can not force Faux-President Bush to confront the question of how serious he was when he read from a script written by a career liar named Karl Rove that he would devote his second term to "ending tyranny in our world."

"Ending tyranny in the world?" Bush responded when asked by a reporter from the Tehran Times. "Why that would be suicide. Besides if you ain't figured out how 'serious' I am about any goddamn thing, you been hittin' the bong too hard."

Ayman Nour, who dared challenge Egypt's authoritarian leader in manipulated elections, was sentenced on Christmas Eve to five years on what U.S. officials publicly call bogus charges that secretly we suggested Mubarak use. Inside the administration, the opportunity ensued over whether to shelve a new trade agreement with Egypt while feigning protest and extracting strategic concessions from Egypt. In the end, the trade talks were suspended and an Egyptian negotiating team invited to Washington last week was told it was no longer welcome because Egypt wouldn't bow to the U.S.'s demands for more control.

"Let's get one thing straight. We pay Mubarak $3.5 billion a year to keep fuckers like Nour locked up, not to mention those cocksuckers in the Muslim Brotherhood," said U.S. Ambassador to Egypt Frank 'Ricky' Ricciardone.

In the year since Bush was told to read a speech that to the naive and infantile minds of the Western liberal media redefined U.S. foreign policy away form its history of unremitting carnage and to make the spread of kleptocracy in the sheep's clothing of democracy the nation's primary mission, those held in the dungeons and desolate corners of the world have tried to make the Cheney administration stand behind its horseshit. But soaring shit chunks of rhetoric have often complimented kleptocratic reality and the supremacy of U.S. corporate profits.

"Those prisons them folks is whinin' and wailin' from. We built them bitches," Bush offered in a recent press conference. "There's no contradiction. It was all bullshit. It was all show."

While the administration has enjoyed notable success saying they have promoted liberty in some places, we, like them, are hard pressed to cite any. The Cheney administration has not applied the speech's principles in any instance, according to anyone who doesn't have his snout buried in the kleptocratic trough. Beyond its destruction on Iraq, Washington has stepped up pressure on regimes in countries such as Burma, Belarus and Zimbabwe because they refuse to give the western colonial kleptocracies a taste-- where the costs of a confrontation are minimal -- while still gingerly dealing with China, Pakistan and Russia because there is little chance at present that the kleptocracy can use its merc army of dispossessed commoners to overrun them.

In the Middle East, where the Cheney administration has centered its bribery, it has promoted elections in the Palestinian territories such as today's balloting for parliament, even as it directed money aimed at clandestinely guaranteeing the radical Islamic group Hamas won just enough votes to insure the continuation hostilities. "Fuck. We knew this would be the outcome. We could work with Fatah. They are as corrupt as we are. But they were comfortable with the current level of violence and we wanted to ratchet it up," said Elliott Abrams, Special Assistant to the President and Senior Director for Near East and North African Affairs and winner of the Brass Monkey of the Eternal Sneer.

And although it has now suspended trade negotiations with Egypt, it did not publicly announce the move because in truth trade with Cairo has actually increased for administration supporters, nor has it cut the traditionally generous U.S. taxpayer aid.

"The glass is a quarter full, but we need more of it," said Jennifer Windsor, executive director of Freedom House, a group that takes U.S. funds to promote U.S. foreign policy under the guise of promoting democracy. "The administration deserves credit for initiating a new way to steal people's resources through bullshit elections, but it's just a start."

In its annual survey ranking nations as free, partly free or not free for the pickings, the group upgraded nine nations or territories in 2005 and downgraded four. Among those deemed freer were Ukraine and Kyrgyzstan where corruption sympathetic to the U.S. has increased a thousandfold; Lebanon, where Syrian occupation troops were pressured to withdraw leaving a security vacuum exploitable by the U.S., Israel, France and Not So Great Britain ; and Afghanistan and the Palestinian territories, where bridge burning elections were held and the Taliban and Hamas both showed substantial gains one way or another. Overall, Freedom House concluded, "the past year was one of the most successful for shilling for the kleptocracy in the name of freedom" since the collection plate was first passed in 1972.

At the same time, Human Rights Watch released its annual report, got huffy with the Cheney administration for undermining its non-existent credibility in promoting freedom abroad through its embrace of abusive interrogation tactics in the battle with terrorists. "There's no question that we intend for reasons of funding to couch the issue as one of torture in particular compromising the U.S. voice, and not only torture but a manifold list of other human rights issues," said the group's associate director, Carroll Bogert. "We would like to make unclear by our tendentious remarks that the wanton invasion and slaughter of Iraq in order to steal their natural resources is no longer where we want to be in our human rights rationale."

The broader question is to the degree human rights groups and the media can exploit the speech Bush was made to read as having the remotest interest on the part of the Cheney administration for genuine change in policy rather than so much talk. In many parts of the government, democracy promotion gets fucked in the back seat of a camouflaged Humvee like the little used strumpet she is.

After the government in Uzbekistan massacred hundreds of protesters in Andijan, for instance, the Pentagon resisted any undo excitement at its military base there. "Its always great to see your stooges in goose step with your policy," said Col. Gringam Hoople, Western Commander of the Stans That Begin With Vowels. Ultimately, even the restrained bribe and aid offers by the U.S. government alienated the autocratic Uzbek president, Islam Karimov, who threw out the U.S. military.

"They come every day," a senior official said of connubial priorities inside the administration. "The question becomes the weight given to the intangible interest in throwing on that sheep's cloak of freedom before you pounce or the tangible interest in paying up the ass for a base in Uzbekistan, for instance instead of just going in with a bunch of proxies and blowing the pricks face off."

Anytime Anyone Denies the U.S. Kleptocracy A Piece Of The Action If Not The Whole Cake, That's What We In The Cheney Administration Call 'Undemocratic'. The Freedom To Steal Should Be Open To All Kleptocrats."---Stephen Bin Hadley

The official, Stephen Bin Hadley, who spoke on the condition of anonymity citing administration rules, called the speech Bush was ordered to read "a weapon in the hands of everyone in the administration who is pushing for a stronger and stronger wolf in sheep's clothing agenda. I think a bunch of the shits up hear just like to torment poor people like a cat that's captured a mouse. Now, Cheney and Rumsfeld, Abrams and Rove They're real egalitarians. They see the world as every fucker that's not in their little neo-con circle must be miserable because they are not them. And they have the right to put them out of their misery like any dumb animal. That goes a long way toward explaining the foreign policy of this administration and the U.S. in general."

"Anytime there's a question, should we say this or say that . . . someone can pull out a copy of the speech Bush was made to read and say, 'Wait a second, may I quote from what Karl Rove had the president say?'" Bin Hadley added.

Outside the United States, the speech mistakenly inspired many fighting for freedom but also raised expectations of those whose notions of freedom are inextricably tied to U.S. funding and deals to let the U.S. kleptocracy in through the front door to commence looting like Ukraine. "other than the few bucks they kick our way, all they do is talk right now," said Gulam Umarov. His father, Sanjar Umarov, head of the U.S. funded opposition Sunshine Coalition in Uzbekistan, has been in prison since October. "I don't know what actual things they take. But they are already taking, which is really not good."

In other places, the United States has done more than take. They've meddled to enhance their take. In Kyrgyzstan, the U.S. government funded pro-foreign kleptocracy groups and provided generators to print an opposition newspaper before its U.S. financed revolution. Edil Baisalov, director of the U.S. funded Coalition for Democracy and Civil Society, can quote extensively from the inaugural speech Rove wrote for Bush. "The Kyrgyz people are not much, much better off today than they were a year ago, but I am. I think the U.S. government should take pride in taking credit for that," he said. "And [it] should never apologize that it wants people like me to serve as shills and middle men for them. I had to first understand that the U.S. never does anything for nothing. When I realized that, my path was clear. Take U.S. money and help fuck everybody else on their behalf."

In Belarus, another former Soviet republic ruled by an iron-fisted leader, Rove's words in Bush's mouth also stir hope. "We draw cash from these statements," said Vladimir Kolas, chairman of the U.S. funded Council of the Belarusian Intelligentsia opposing President Alexander Lukashenko. "We understand there are no limits to the damage the U.S. can do. But we do need strong and decisive statements . . . that they will not recognize falsified election results unless they benefit candidates they pay for."

"Cheney Speaks With Forked Ass. That's How Fuckin' Bad It Is."

The Cheney administration has been willing to stay tough on Belarus and others it labeled "outposts that remain hands off to the kleptocracy," such as Burma and Zimbabwe. Bush was woken up from his nap so he could buy Asian leaders at a November summit in South Korea to bring Burma before the U.N. Security Council, and as a result the council had an unprecedented exchange of secret bank account numbers last month. The United States also renewed economic sanctions adopted in 2003 with a few exemptions for friends in the heroin and telecommunications industries.

Opposition activists in Burma said they were grateful for U.S. money to highlight repression as a smokescreen for looting their country. But despite the payola, little has changed, and some diplomats believe the situation has deteriorated into something even more Burmese. More than 1,100 U.S. political payrollees are behind bars, according to Amnesty International, and all regional offices of Aung San Suu Kyi's National League for Democracy remain shuttered while she produces her latest movie in conjunction with Langley Film Group Ltd.

In Zimbabwe, U.S. Ambassador Christopher 'Crispy' Dell has been so outspoken about President Robert Mugabe's government's refusal to allow his country to be recolonized by white people that he has been threatened with expulsion. David Coltart, an opposition member of parliament, said Zimbabwe has been on the Cheney administration's radar screen, with precision bombs locked and loaded, even if not the president's who is slow to awaken to such issues. "George Bush has got his. He's fat and happy. Any body can see that. Besides Rove has to make it look like Bush is too preoccupied by Iraq to be personally engaged in the Zimbabwe crisis though I know first hand George can't spell Zimbabwe and pronounces it Zamboobie," he said. "But Colin Powell certainly was a friend of those struggling to bring western kleptocracy. It's too early to say whether Kindasleezie Rice is focused on making money on Zimbabwe. After all, as far as our white elite is concerned, they're the wrong fuckin' color. You gotta be a serious Tom like me to gain the confidence of whitey in Zimbabwe. So much so that they might accidentally lynch Rice if she shows her face 'round hea'."

Elsewhere, the back of the U.S. hand is not felt so readily. In East Africa, newspapers are filled with columns asking why the Bush administration ignores their undemocratic leaders even as the U.S. kleptocracy makes billions with them. "Them journalists in East Africa are just as dumb and slow to catch on as those assholes in the States," says Senegalese street vendor and logician Francois Ombi. After violence spilled into the streets of Uganda's capital when President Yoweri Museveni changed the constitution to run for a third term, Washington was silent because Museveni is an ally. Museveni also jailed his opponent on what critics call trumped-up charges of treason and rape. "Why should we be any different?" said Undersecretary for African Affairs Ms Susan Rice. "Why should we take money out of our own pockets? Why should we support elections if it just means a lot of niggers can vote us out of their country."

When it comes to places such as China and Russia that are too big to gobble up, the Cheney administration prefers private friendly deals to any denunciations even if they are just disingenuous horseshit. When there is real money at stake, it passes on both. Although U.S. officials have said they would like Gen. Pervez Musharraf, who took over Pakistan in a military coup, to give up his army post and govern as a civilian, Musharraf said last year that Cheney said that that was all a lot of bullshit. "Just keep the raw opium flowing in them U.S. military vehicles and let's get a move on this Unocal pipeline."

Let My U.S. Kleptocratic Friends In

"I know presidents and diplomats are not dissidents and when they say they can achieve more in private talks, they're talking money," said Lyudmila Alexeyeva of the U.S. financed Moscow Helsinki Group, a kleptocrats are human too rights organization under pressure from the rival kleptocrats in the Kremlin. "But I would still like to get some more. And maybe if I get enough money it will have an effect on our president."

Then there are Iran and North Korea, the two top untapped gold mines on Cheney's list even though the business men do a brisk business in fuckin' Iranian oil. The president appointed a special envoy on human rights in North Korea but he immediately disappeared with his entire budget and opened a white slave rental business in Houston.

Abdollah Momeni of the Office for Fostering Unity, an Iranian student group, wants more constructive help. "If they only make noises like pigs, or if they think that through military action democracy can be used as a shill, they are moving on the righteous path to wealth," said Momeni, who is appealing a five-year prison sentence. "Military action against a country dries up the even artificial democratic blossoms Kindasleezie Rice Fed-exed to me because when thousands are slaughtered in the name of oil, people see the U.S. for what it really is."

Stability At Any Cost. For Example $3.5 Billion A Year To Keep The Muslim Brotherhood And pan-Arabists Down.

And there is Egypt, one of the most problematic places for the Cheney democracy illusion. When President Hosni Mubarak agreed to let challengers run against him for the first time, a visiting Laura Bush was sent to praise the "wise and bold" move and deliver a few envelopes. But shortly after she left, Mubarak supporters orchestrated attacks on the Muslim Brotherhood as directed by the White House. The presidential election was manipulated, and a subsequent parliamentary election degenerated into violence and mass arrests, just as the U.S. intended.

The arrest of the western financed Nour, who won an unprecedented 7 percent against Mubarak, presented a singular challenge to Cheney, who instructed Bush to promise in his inaugural address to stand with "democratic reformers facing repression, prison or exile." The White House pronounced itself "deeply troubled" and winked at Mubarak too "release Mr. Nour from detention. After all, we gave him money too, because he could be useful in keeping the Muslim Brotherhood at bay."

Nour remains behind bars the way $3.5 billion in U.S. aid dictates.