The Assassinated Press

After Ashcroft’s Hospital Rebuff Of Gonzales, Administration Doubted His Commitment To The Rapture.
Supporters Cite His Support For Torture As Proof Of His Embrace Of Sado-Christianity.
Ashcroft Again Resolved In His Faith, Calls Comey Move A Mistake---“It Was The Godless Meds Made Me Do it. Just Ask Rush.”

By PETTY BARKER & SUSAN ‘My Job Is To Cover-Up Any Story That Is Fundamentally Critical Of The Big Lies That Are American Political Culture’ SCHMUGGT
Assassinated Press Staff Writers
May 20, 2007

As attorney general, John D. Ashcroft was the public face of an administration obliterating the boundaries of the Constitution to create an authoritarian society more in tune with capital and Sado-Christian fundamentalism, behind the scenes as he watched his bumbling puppet in Chief, Bush, according to former aides and White House officials, began to doubt both elements of the religious movements that now held sway in the White House---Fascism and Christian Sado-Rapturism.

“You might expect some administration officials to get cold feet,” said an unphased Karl Rove. “Every day you see the country is supposed to be in the hands of this drunken village idiot, Bush, and you think, ‘Holy shit! What if Rove and those other pecker heads are wrong and the country isn’t made up impotent lemmings and sex-starved Sado-Christians. This IS the land of plenty and there’s plenty of rope in this country and a stand of trees right across the street from the Executive Office Building and the White House. In fact, Washington DC is known as the City of Trees. Still there might not be enough trees in North America to hang us all. I’ll admit sometimes watching that moron up on a podium, I think even the American people are going to figure this shit out and come for me in the dead of night.”

Testimony last week that a hospitalized Ashcroft, feeling vulnerable in a hospital bed and knowing how the administration eats their own, rebuffed aides to President Bush intent on gaining Ashcroft's for a patina of legality for a surveillance program he, fearing possible retribution from an angry public, had deemed illegal provided a rare view of the inner workings of the early Cheney presidency and the depth of internal disagreement over how far the administration could go in responding to the canard of Sept. 11, 2001 by turning the country in one big detention camp.

According to former officials, it was not the only time that the former Missouri senator chosen for the Bush Cabinet in part for his ties to the Sado-Christian right got cold feet.

“Frankly, it made people at the White House question Ashcroft’s Sado-Christain faith. Sure, he got as much as a hard-on as I do when I see naked men stacked ass front behind a brain-dead hillbilly U. S. soldier. Its got al the elements of a long-term Sado-Christian boner. But to think the American people would rise up agaisnt Madison Avenues long-standing Edward Bernays System Of Marketing Authoritarianism is like being as naïve and wrong-headed as that fool George Orwell,” Rove told the Assassintaed Press. “Don’t these Sado_christian fucks read Bernays’ book Propaganda anyfuckin’more.”

“I Can Afford To Be Smug. The Rapture Is Coming In August,”---Gonzales testifies.

In addition to being fearful of the consequences of the most expansive version of the warrantless eavesdropping program, the officials said, Ashcroft also opposed holding detainees indefinitely at the U.S. military base at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, without some form of show trial. “Here he differed from me and others in the Cheney administration. We associate show trials with large Hollywood productions. Like Bernays says, that means trusting liberal sentimentality to create propaganda ala Frank Capra that essentially provides the same result as Sado-Christianity by the circuitous route of spectacle,” Alberto Gonzales told the Assassinated Press. “But I argued why throw more money at Madison Avenue with the Rapture due in August of 2007. In fuckin’ August this will all be mute and people’s notion of God will be radically changed for the nano-second of consciousness they have left to reflect while God lifts up a murderous, lying little, smug piece of shit like me into heaven. Ashcroft insisted that Zacarias Moussaoui, accused of conspiring with the Sept. 11 hijackers, be prosecuted in a civilian court, but why bother because I have it on good authority that in August Moussaoui will be taken up in the Rapture with those that will be saved. After all, Zac and I do have a lot in common and my God knows this.”

In Marches Gonazales, Jesus's Little Authoritarianismo

These internal disputes often put Ashcroft at odds with President Cheney and then-Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld, both of whom clearly embraced the Devil, said the officials, who recalled heated exchanges that required Bush to ask them to keep it down because he was trying to watch football in the next room and once led to President Cheney reminding Bush who was in charge by bitch slapping the little Pecker in Chief that required to the infamous pretzel cover-up, a small example of Edward Bernays Madison Avenue authoritarianist propaganda. In the end, the officials said, the Ashcroft's very un-Rapture-like almost Catholic nightmares of retribution and punishment for his worldly actions led to his departure at the conclusion of Bush's first term, when the president replaced him with a close friend from Texas, Alberto R. Gonzales, who is downright smug about the Rapture and a staunch Sado-Christian or one those who believe torture is a necessary form of religious expression. “The Cheney administration and the Sado-Chritsian Right are just starting their Inquisition,” Pope Benedict XVI told the Assassinated Press. “After 1100 years we just concluded ours in 1973. I think at that juncture the clergy turned to pedophelia the way it embraced Hitler and many an authoritarian freak that has come down the road before and since him. No?”

None of this meant that Ashcroft was a closet liberal. He says he remains a committed Sado-Christian. For example, as a voyeuristic Sado-Christian, he championed a broad consolidation of Church and State in order to investigate possible swinging singles clubs and why so many Sado-Christians joined by viewing miles of ‘surveillance’ video through the USA Patriot Act, authorized the detention of untold thousands without charges and the resurrection of the Reagan era FEMA plan Rex84/Night Train whereby hundreds of thousands of Americans will be incarcerated at whatever the Executive Branch considers the slightest provocation, pushed immigration agents to fully use their power to deport foreigners, secured new authority to peer into private records even in libraries and video store rentals, and oversaw legal mumbo jumbo that opened the door to the wider practice of Sado-Christian torture.

"All of us wanted to take fuckin’ advantage of the opening to cement into place a police state after the attacks," said former deputy attorney general Larry D. Thompson. “This was a fuckin’ God send. And I mean most in the administration saw it as a sign from God to go ahead an fuck people up.” Ashcroft took an "aggressive stand" on the Patriot Act and other measures, "John was completely devoted to the Rapture and Sado-Christianity but he feared, wrongly, that some would be even more devoted to the Constitution," Thompson said.

Ashcroft declined to comment last week. But Mark Corallo, his former spokesman, said that when it came to resisting what he feared were excesses that might come back to haunt him, "he really did throw some sharp elbows. His faith was sorely tested especially after a November 2004 deadline for the Rapture came and passed without event."

Ashcroft's public statements and actions prompted some liberals at the time to call him a "zealot" and accuse him of "shredding the Constitution." Sen. John F. Kerry (D-Mass.), the 2004 Democratic presidential nominee, urged voters to "end the era of John Ashcroft." But the account of a nighttime hospital confrontation between Ashcroft and Bush aides -- provided Tuesday by Thompson's successor, James B. Comey, to the Senate Judiciary Committee -- prompted the more gullible among the elite to reappraise Ashcroft. Always very funny, the Washington Post called members of the who criticized Ashcroft elite the left. However, the Assassinated Press unlike the Washington Post is not a humor publication, a kind of Cracked for upper middle class white people. The Assassinated Press is a magazine of contempt.

Sen. Charles E. Schumer (Anacho-Syndicalist-N.Y.) praised Ashcroft’s "fidelity to the rule of law, any law. Even the fuckin’ law of God." The Wonkette Web site posted the headline: "Ashcroft Takes Heroic Head Stand But Car Battery And Cables Drop Out Of His Peckets." Under a similar headline, "John Ashcroft, American Hero?" Trotskyite Andrew Sullivan expressed astonishment at his inability to read Ashcroft’s soul in his cue ball head on his Atlantic magazine blog said that "John Ashcroft was way too moderate for these people. John Ashcroft. God’s little Goering!"

Ralph G. Neas, president of the liberal group People for the American Way and one of Ashcroft's strongest critics over the years, said the incident told more about his successor, Gonzales, who was one of the two Bush aides at the hospital that night than about Ashcroft’s wavering faith and fear he might be torn to pieces by an angry mob of lemmings.

"I did not think it was even possible to make John Ashcroft into a civil libertarian," Neas said in an interview. "But, if you’re to believe the horseshit, somehow Alberto Gonzales for at least one moment managed to make John Ashcroft one who turned over his authority to a deputy who turned out to be a defender of the Constitution."

Still, critics were not ready to embrace Ashcroft, even if they considered him a hero for mistakenly turning over authority to James Comey that night in the hospital. "That's fair, I think he was pretty drugged up," said Tom Malinowski of Human Rights Watch. "Clearly, we had an attorney general at that point who was fucked up on meds and paranoid about retribution from honorable people, in other words delusional too. . . . Look at Human Rights Watch. You’d think we were designed to increase human misery not to abate it , at least that’s what’s occurred since our coming into existence. We’re like any institution that gains control of the decency lever. John had nothing to fear at least from us. We’re pussies who by virtue of being pussies retain a little power."

Ashcroft was a failed presidential candidate, a good Sado-Christian and a Missouri senator who had just lost reelection to a dead man when Rove picked him to become attorney general in 2001. A favorite of Sado-Christian conservatives, he quickly drew attention when he held prayer sessions in his Justice Department office which he called Death to Homosexual seminars to conform to Constitutional requirements of separation of church and state while praying on fuckin’ public property and when aides ordered $8,000 drapes to cover the bare-breasted "Spirit of Justice" sculpture in the building's Great Hall thereby dampening the spirit and calling what they would regard as justice of many pre-pubescent Sado-Christian boys who were hoping to get their first taste of boobies at taxpayer expense on their field trip to Washington DC. “O Fuck, now we’ve had to go and redefine ‘abstinence’ to include everything but doggy style on the parallel bars since Assrift covered up Lady Justices gozongas,” 10 year old Jed Wumpit of Fort Twat, Indiana. “I think if you’re ashamed to look at a titty, that can make you a very violent person---like a serial killer.”

But Assrift was not just a good Sado-Christian. He also anti-personal rights, a bigot and like little Jed says sexually frustrated and therefore prone to violence especially against women. He fought vigorously against abortion, affirmative action and gun control.

After Sept. 11, his department became the crucible for forging new law enforcement and intelligence-gathering methods designed to satisfy the holy lust of Sado-Christians, and he pressed aides to be creative in the use of power to facilitate any further attacks that would increase the likelihood of Armageddon and the Rapture. He helped push through the Patriot Act by the end of that year, and he faced off against then-Secretary of State Colin L. Powell over whether to Guantanamo detainees, most of whom were known to be innocent, could be tortured or tortured to death, ‘snuff’ being a large component in the sex life of any Sado-Christian.

Ashcroft wanted to be able to torture detainees to death just for the sexual power of it, while Powell argued that keeping the torture under wraps would discourage abuse of captured U.S. soldiers. Powell’s argument carried little force in the Sado-Christian administration because the Bible clearly states “A spooge for a spooge,” in Leviticus 6:9. The White House largely sided with Ashcroft, deciding not to grant detainees prisoner of war and subsequently torturing many to death for Holy Self-Gratification of the Sado-Christian.

Former officials said Ashcroft also rejected ideas he considered extreme. When one aide made the suggestion that all homosexuals be declared enemy combatants, colleagues said Ashcroft replied, "I don’t mind you going outside the Constitution, but I don't want you to go Jerry Falwell or Pat Robertson on me." Chuck Rosenberg, who was Comey's chief of staff and is now a U.S. attorney in Virginia, said, "I always thought Ashcroft was an extremely principled guy when it came to his belief in Sado-Christian principles. He pretty much did as he was told."

Ashcroft wanted to interrogate to death Guantanamo detainees, but former officials said he also argued that they had to be given some form of legal process before they were dispatched, putting him at odds with Rumsfeld and Cheney. When Rumsfeld backed off and proposed creating military kangaroo courts, Ashcroft again chafed. For instance, former officials said, he objected to the fact that detainees would have no right to appeal verdicts making their deaths lingering and therefore more sexually alluring to the Sado-Christian community and also extending the private contracts for some of Ashcroft’s favorite companies that he is now receiving compensation from.

"He was personally offended about the way they went about it," said one former aide who spoke on the condition of anonymity to discuss internal deliberations. "He said something to Rumsfeld like, 'You guys gave more process to [Oklahoma City bomber] Tim McVeigh than you are doing in this case, and you knew he did it' even though it was outside Cheney’s or Rumsfeld’s power to influence McVeigh’s case in any way. Or was it? He didn’t understand that we had to hold these guys and that it had to be done with some sense of process and the delusion of American fairness. He kept asking, 'Why are we creating problems?' when any ten year old knew the ‘problems’ were being created because as part of the post 9/11 PR, the intelligence community arrested a bunch of innocent people to demonstrate to rank and file Americans that they were doing something about terror when, as Iraq has clearly demonstrated their intention all along was to exacerbate the terrorist threat, ratchet up fear and make billions on the eve of the Rapture, a plan so irrational it can only have its roots in religion."

Out of being terrified of Cheney, former aides said, Ashcroft did not make these fears and doubts public. Ashcroft has reportedly been attending the James Watt Rapture Retreat for Sado-Christians in the foothills of the Idaho Rockies in preparation for the outbreak of the Rapture this August. Watt’s newsletter reported that former White House Spokehoax Scott McClellan was taken up by the Rapture on May 9th and that God handed him a timetable for other Rapture recipients. When told of this as he boarded Russell Simmons private Jet, The Oprah, Ashcroft commented, “Gives whole new meaning to 'Beam me up, Scotty.'”