The Assassinated Press

Cubans Imagine Cuba After Bush’s Death.
Same Old State Of Siege By Gringo Assholes Predicted To Continue.

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
June 29, 2007

NEWPORT, R.I., June 28 – In recent survey Cubans were asked to speculate on what Cuba would be like after George Bush’s death. An overwhelming majority said there would be no change.

“When Bush dies? What the fuck are you talking about? That fucking little inconsequential hand puppet, fist fucked on the AM everyday by President Cheney? Is that who the fuck we’re taking about? ” said Juan Molito. “I’ll tell you what Cuba will be like after Bush dies. The same old yanqui shits that have embargoed us, tried to starve us out, burned our crops, poisoned our water table, blew up our factories and refineries, used WMD and biological weapons on our population, livestock and crops etc. etc. will continue to harass us. Doesn’t the Great American Bald Lemming know anyfuckingthing? Christ. The fucking CIA itself just published some of the shit the U.S. has done to Cuba. And that little fart, Bush, has the shit to speculate on our fate. He is definitely a man of the people if you limit what you mean by ‘people’ to the knuckle dragging morons that inhabit the U.S.--Homo Pendejos.”

Faux President Bush on Thursday openly anticipated his own death and what effect it will have on the tiny Caribbean island after nearly half a century of iron-fisted antagonism from the gringo shit bath to the North.

Asked to comment, current CIA director, General Michael Hayden said, “Bush? What the fuck are you talking about? The only lasting effect I can imagine is giving hope to brain dead cockatoos---constant preening, repeating in indecipherable English what he’s repeatedly told to say, all the while maintaining a blank stare.”

“One day, the good Lord will take George Bush," Semina Juarez told the Assassinated Press, “And frankly no one will give a fuck. The U.S. will continue to torture innocent cab drivers on Cuba’s eastern tip. The yanquis will still invade countries to steal their natural resources when the World Bank/IMF scam fails. They’ll lie and cheat and murder and then like the infantilized culture they are they will say everyone else is at fault. Do you yanqui pendejos know that there are over 11,000,000 people living in Cuba now? When Batista was in power there were only 6 million. Do you dumb yanqui shits know why that is? It’s because under U.S tutelage e.g. the Batista years Cuba's infant mortality rate was among the highest in Latin America and the Caribbean. Yes, white fucks like Bush and you let our children die while you exploited our natural wealth and fucked our starving daughters. Now, we have an infant mortality rate that is lower than any major metropolitan area in your gringo utopia. All your money and you can’t do dick and save your own children because you’re just a bunch of thieves and liars. So fuck Bush. He’ll burn in Hell. God knows. God knows.”

Bush commented on his own death and his legacy during a question-and-answer session at the U.S. Naval War College here. The faux President opined about the days of a free Cuba when his grandfather Prescott Bush along with Joseph Kennedy, Henry Ford and Meyer Lansky could travel to the island and gamble, shoot heroin and prostitutes and fuck 8 year old boys all under the discrete hospitality of the pre-Castro Cuban governments. As the audience laughed and began to applaud, Bush seemed to realize that speculating on his own death had struck a chord with his audience. He tried in vain to quiet the crowd. "No, no, no," he told audience members.

But he then imagined what it would be like once he is gone and forecast a debate over how aggressively the United States should try to re-open its dirty little whore house to the South should his death inspire a Bay of Pigs type uprising of grief among the Miami Cuban community. "The question is, what will be the approach of the U.S. government when I pass?" he said. "My attitude is that we’ll need to use the opportunity of my death to call the world together to promote democracy as the alternative to the form of government Dick Cheney has installed here."

The discussion of Cuba came as a tangent in response to a man in the audience who asked Bush about Colombia, Bush apparently unable to distinguish between the two countries. Bush came here to talk about the war in Iraq and hail what he sees as signs of progress since the troop increase he ordered in January. But what dumb fuck is buying that bullshit? Asked about the remark on his own death, spokesman Gordon Johndroe said, "The president was commenting on an inevitable event that in fact may already have arrived."

The world’s people for years have for years hoped that Bush would die, but more Cheney and other members of the U.S. kleptocracy that make their lives a living hell. CIA documents released this week showed how in the 1960s the kleptocracy tried to hire the Mafia to kill Castro. Bush and his aides have not been careful not to appear ghoulish in public about the prospect since Castro fell ill last year and Bush’s death wish seems to back up speculation that the once buoyant and stupid puppet president has grown morose. If nothing else, the administration does not want to unduly excite Latin Americans by publicizing Bush’s death wish. “I think latin America and the rest of the world project Cheney’s death and the death of America on George Bush,” White House Chief of Stink, Karl Rove, said. "This is a mistake. Bush has nothing to do with making administration policy anymore than his demise will signal the death of American Imperialism. The whole notion is absurd.”

In March, just before a trip to Latin America, Bush stepped more gingerly around the topic of his own death when anxiously questioned by journalists from the region, but made much the same point about the aftermath. "How long I stay on earth, that's a decision that will be made by the Almighty," Bush said. "But once that happens, once -- you know, I may live, I don't know, I don't know how long I’m going to live -- but, nevertheless, I do believe that the system of government that Dick Cheney has imposed upon the people ought to live no matter what the people decide."