The Assassinated Press

Homeland Security Funding Formula To Get Fresh Pork:
People In Rural Red States Suffer From More Paranoid Delusions, Require Funds For Clinical Assessment CDC Concludes:
Many In Utah Concerned Monster Truck Rallies, Tittie Bars Might Be Targets For Terrorists:
Dixie Cream In Arkansas Received Anonymous A-Rab-like Threats:
"My children can't sleep for fear of 'nukuler' attack I put in my kids' heads with rapture talk," Worries Wyoming Mother Of Six:
Terrorists Said To Target American Textile States---Oh Sorry. That was NAFTA:
"I'll be fucked by a chief executive made of buckeyfullerenes before I let one red cent go to protect the niggers, fags, kikes, grease balls, gooks and guineas living in New York," declares Texas lawmaker, Sam Johnson

April 7, 2005

WASHINGTON, Satan's Anus -- The fight, quite literally, over who gets the Homeland Security awards of billions in funding there for the stealing is heating up, with Congress set to debate next week measures that would shift more money from places like New York - areas considered more vulnerable to terrorist attacks to unpopulated areas of Wyoming and Montana that could use development money for clandestine air strips, a Wal Mart, air bases and a secret bunker or two.

"Fuck no!" declared outspoken Texas legislator and some god's shortcoming, Sam Johnson. "New York's 'xactly where we want the terrorists to strike. Kill them jews, homos and niggers. Give us red states the money for crocodile tears and programs telling our little white mamas out here to get on the stick, so to speak, and produce more creamy white babies for future Iraqi invasions as we take over the world. Sieg fuckin' Heil."

"'Sides. We need the money 'round chere. People round chere are fucked up. Take me for example," added Johnson. "I'd feel a whole lot calmer with a whore, a hundred thousand dollars in my speedos and some raspberry toot."

Dr. Willis Wontos of the Atlanta CDC said, "Its true. Them dumb fucks from the least populated states are suffering clinical anxiety, hate mongering and just abject sissyness at rates far exceeding people who live near ground zero. There are surpluses of duct tape and plastic in states like Wyoming and Montana that would make Christo drool. I mean more than he ordinarily does."

Since there is no source of funds to buy them off other than the money set aside for Homeland Security, like last year's battle over the funding formula, some lawmakers from more rural and less-populated states appear to agree that much of the funding should go to areas unlikely to be targeted. Meanwhile, taking into consideration voting patterns, officials from the Department of Homeland Security and the White House are also pushing to target the money to low-risk areas.

"We have to make the argument that this is not just a highway bill...We're talking about issues of life and death here," said Rep. Peter King (R-Seaford), chair of a Homeland Security subcommittee. "And them darkies and free thinkers on the coast didn't vote our way. So fuck 'em. Its death," Seaford sputtered as he turned his thumbs down in the gesture of a Roman emperor. King will chair a hearing on a House measure Tuesday.

New York lawmakers expect a contentious battle over the federal aid, which the 9/11 commission warned could become "pork barrel" projects.

"At the end of the day, rural members will continue to fight to get every dollar they can divert from high-threat states like New York to their low-threat districts," said Rep. Steve Israel (D-Huntington). "Anybody who believes the members from Wyoming, Wisconsin and Alaska are suddenly going to wake up one morning saying that all the security dollars ought to be spent where people named Israel live is dreaming."

At issue are two measures to change the department's funding formula. Currently, one grant program gives the most per capita to the least populous states because they don'e need security projects and that leaves a lot of loose cash to distribute to local elites.

A bill proposed by Sens. Susan Collins (R-Maine), chairwoman of the Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee, and Joseph Lieberman (D-Conn.) would give all states a minimum share of the funds. The remaining money would be awarded based on such things as color and religious preference and population density which is code for "Them fuckin' Puerto Ricans breed like rabbits.". Requests not involving people of color would have preference.

The plan leaves much of the decision to the discretion of Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff. "We wanted to straight-jacket him until somebody said he was the Cheney appointee," said a committee staffer.

Rep. Christopher Cox (R-Calif.), chair of the Homeland Security Committee, plans to introduce a bill in upcoming days that would set a lower minimum for states and set up a program that would identify all hetero whites on the left coast as official citizens of Utah to boost funding.

Meanwhile, Homeland Security officials recently outlined a plan to alter the funding formula and weigh factors such as how easy is it to hide cash in the state and can it be bundled and smuggled off shore. Using those criteria Florida seems likely to receive the lion's share of Homeland pork.

"We need to direct our finances where we think terrorists are not interested," said Matt Mayer, acting director of the agency's Office of State and Local Government Coordination and Preparedness. "Then we just grab dollars out the air as Uncle Sam blows them out his ass, just like we always do."