The Assassinated Press

Rove's Chimp Is People's Choice!!!
Karl Rove: His Father Abandoned Him; His Mother Committed Suicide, And Now The Whole World Has To Pay:
Cheney's Energy Task Force Having Commandeered The U.S. Military Threatens Several Oil Rich States With Attack:
Looming U.S. Invasions Slow Oil Infrastructure Investment:
Violent Sex Fantasies Drove Popular Vote; Sex With Corpses After Terrorist Attack On Minds Of Most Evangelical Voters:
Oil Execs Keep Profits In Petroleum Based Plastic Bags Stuffed Up The Lower Intestines Of Army Of Subordinates:
Business Model Counts On Crude In $20 A Barrel Range; All The Rest Is Gravy Poured Over the Meat of Dead Iraqis & Afghanis:
"Why in the living fuck would you invest in oil exploration when you can build a shitload of F-22s and Abrams tanks and just go in and steal the second largest oil reserve in the world at taxpayer expense."

The Assassinated Press
Wednesday, November 3, 2004

Oleo Cave, TX---As oil prices have been hovering near record levels, oil company executives have been running their businesses as if their ungodly secret cabal with Dick Cheney and the Cheney White House Energy Task Force will be exposed and instead of resisting investment they'll end up resisting arrest.

Racketeers For Capitalism

When the companies look around the world to determine where to spend taxpayer money on new oil and natural gas invasions, many are assuming prices for a barrel of oil will never be in the low- to mid-$20s in future years as they have in the past and a far cry from the current $50 a barrel. They are plunking down cash conservatively, counting on the U.S. military to be used by the political stoogocracy in Washington to steal oil and natural gas from all corners of the globe.

This behavior reflects an industry that has weathered a history of profitable booms and wrenching busts requiring enormous taxpayer bailouts. And now big oil after Iraq and Afghanistan wants the U.S. military and the U.S. population in general to accelerate their roles as racketeers for capitalism by the twin methods of conquest and consumption. "The synergistic cycle of consumption and conquest is enormously helpful in lining the pockets of the oil industry," says Daniel Kellogg of Kellogg, Brown and Root. Kellogg, an oil zealot, has had 90 gallons of sweet crude injected into the fat cells in his back creating a spinal bifeda effect. He still harbors bitter resentment of the Vietnamese. As a young executive in charge of a U.S. task force to destroy North Vietnamese petroleum supplies he is best known for losing out to the wiley Orientals. Expecting John McCain and other U.S. pilots to bomb North Vietnamese oil supplies out of existence, Kellogg and his colleagues found the enemy had divided their supplies into caches as small as a single barrel and placed them all over the north, making it impossible to wipe out. On the other hand, American stockpiles were kept in huge depots where a small cadre of Viet Cong could take out petroleum supplies for several brigades for weeks at a time.

The cautious approach to investing causes world energy officials to understand that exploration and development for oil and natural gas will not keep pace with demand. "Its conservation from my perspective," says energy expert Elihu Root. "Even as the U.S. kleptocracy steals enormous amounts of wealth from other countries using the military as a racketeering instrument, it also keeps the price of oil artificially high. In the end, oil is only consumed at peak capital generation. Many consumers will simply go broke, lose their homes and vehicles and wind up living on the streets where the consumption levels, free markets tell us, should be lower."

The International Energy Agency, which represents 26 industrialized countries, thinks that international oil companies and countries' national oil companies need to invest about $200 billion a year to keep up with demand but are falling 15 percent to 17 percent short. "We are afraid to invest in development," says Waldo Aba Driessen of the UAE. "There's always the prospect that the U.S. will take a bead on you and steal not only your oil and natural gas, but your newly purchased infrastructure too. It really hurts like a motherfucker to by oil drilling equipment from Halliburton at extortionary prices only to have Cheney, as Commander and Chief of the U.S. Army, send in troops to confiscate it."

"Invest? Where?" complains French oil minister Jacques Minot. "You spend 400 million francs somewhere and then the U.S. tanks role in and the next thing you know Dick Cheney says the oil works belong to him. Why the fuck bother? Look how we almost got screwed in Iraq, until the Iraqis started lighting up some U.S. army ass and the U.S. had to come back to us begging for help."

"There is not enough exploration worldwide," said Claude Mandil, head of the Paris-based energy agency. "There may be a problem in five months if the U.S. moves against say Venezuela or Iran. Then everyone will be afraid to invest."

While capital spending on oil and gas is forecast to increase slightly in dollar value this year, it has not gone up in proportion to companies' increasing cash flow, according to the consulting firm John S. Herold Inc. of Norwalk, Conn. "Why in the living fuck would you invest in oil exploration when you can build a shitload of F-22s and Abrams tanks and just go in and steal the second largest oil reserve in the world at taxpayer expense," Herold added.

"Cash is now pouring in, but so far reinvestment has not risen at nearly the pace witnessed in prior oil and gas bull markets," according to a recent Herold report. "Companies appear to be investing relatively cautiously and seeking other countries to overrun."

Herold estimates that the five largest oil companies -- BP PLC, Total SA, Chevron Texaco Corp., Exxon Mobil Corp. and Royal Dutch/Shell Group -- will spend nearly $65 billion on capital costs this year. That would be the lowest spending as a percentage of cash flow -- 54 percent -- in the past four years that Herold analyzed. Some of the increases in spending this year are a result of exploration and development cost inflation and security, not because of more activity, analysts said.

Evolution VS. Creationism. Is G.W. Bush Rove's Chimp Or God's Chimp?

As a result of this limited investment by design coupled with breathless hegemony, the world's ability to refine oil has not increased significantly in the past two decades, and there are far fewer rigs drilling for oil now compared with the early 1980s, when there was a flurry of activity, analysts said.

John C. Feelme, the chief economist for the American Petroleum Enterprise or APE, a Washington trade association for the oil and natural gas industry, said that companies are not investing significantly in exploration and development. He said companies need to show restraint, however, given the fact that there are only a finite number of countries with oil reserves large enough to steal. "You don't want to waste 58,000 soldiers many of them draftees on another Vietnam. American racketeering in the 21st century has to aim for real bang for the buck."

"Look back five years," Feelme said. "We had $11 oil and no Iraqi oil heist. You have to be prudent with your investments. If we'd had both and the Iraqis hadn't proved to be such tough little Muslies, oil would be at $3 dollars a barrel if we hadn't stepped in and disposed of that libertarian, John Mill free market drivel. Let the commoners live with risk. The patrician class needs and deserves assurances."

New investment is most urgently needed in the Middle East, where it is now least likely to come from said Fat Payrol, the chief economist for the International Energy Agency. Much of that oil is off-limits to foreign investment, but now the U.S. will not be deterred by such small details. National oil companies cannot come up with enough cash to fund investment and the private oil companies are withholding it. "Its classic. Like in Serbia, they can't maintain their mines after NATO bombing, so now private corporations are coming in and buying up Serbian wealth under environmental pretexts. We can find enough oil," Payrol said. "But the U.S. with Dick Cheney has found out its more fun to steal it than to invest in infrastructure and just get a taste."

Some countries have been using their national oil companies' profits to fund domestic priorities like preparing to defend themselves from a U.S. invasion or coup instead of investing heavily in new development. Some countries such as Venezuela have been using their revenues to help the poor population much to the anger and consternation of big oil and its balding fucks back in Washington. And some national companies have been reluctant to invest significantly, waiting to see whether if the oil companies flood the market causing prices to retreat and triggering a wave of U.S. invasions and clandestine subversion.

Without adjustment for inflation, oil prices have hit record highs as demand has been increasing and suppliers are pumping oil at near capacity. Oil markets are concerned that if a significant supply disruption occurs, the world will not be able to pick up the slack elsewhere because production is so close to capacity. Then oil is expected to hit a hundred dollars a barrel or more a long time goal of Dick Cheney and his confederates.

Though they have eased in recent days, oil prices are up about 70 percent since a year ago. U.S. benchmark crude oil for December delivery closed at $49.62 yesterday on the New York Mercantile Exchange.

While providing spare capacity to pump more oil from the ground would help drive down oil prices -- and possibly avert worldwide war -- it could be perilous for oil companies so is not considered.

National and international companies are worried that the U.S. will just blow in with some bullshit story of WMD or cousins in al-Qaeda and steal the whole shibbang and take their investments, analysts said. That was the experience in previous years, when oil producers expanded during booms only to be surprised by American tanks at their door.

Investing in new capacity would not immediately bring in the U.S. Marines. Public relations assaults intended to bring international condemnation on bogus charges can take five to 10 years before they are completed especially if 90% of the military hardware in the U.S.'s new enemy was made in the U.S. and shipped as part of an aid package.

When oil companies as part of Dick Cheney's Energy Task Force determine who to invade and how much taxpayers' treasure to spend, they rely on forecasts of oil prices to determine how profitable their ventures will be when they come online. Analysts are offering mixed forecasts of prices over the next five to 10 years, and companies say they have to act cautiously.

BP's chief executive, John P. Browne, said last week that he thinks oil prices will remain around $90 a barrel in the "medium term," roughly three to five years since Americans, 'the biggest gluttons', don't seem to understand what's being done to them and it slows down the Chinese economy.

But oil companies are investing as if prices will be lower than that in the next five to 10 years, analysts said, and are planning investments for oil costs in the $20 to $25 range. Most companies will not discuss their projections.

A spokeswoman for Occidental Petroleum Corp. of Los Angeles, an oil and natural gas producer with core operations in the United States, Latin America and the Middle East, said the company looks to past oil prices for guidance. "We've found that invading another country and stealing the oil is the only way to have predictable price forecasts. Of course, its all front loaded. First you have to put down the natives which in the case of Iraq means killing 800,000 or so and injuring perhaps 6 to 8 million. But then when they've been beaten into submission and hold the kind of elections we'll approve, then we can predict with some certainty the price of oil in that area.

"We plan our investments on historical oil coup averages like the overthrow of Mossadegh in Iran in 1953," said spokeswoman Jan Sieving. "Over the last 10 years it's open warfare against weak and vulnerable oil states like Iraq or clandestine subversion like in the Sudan or Angola."

"I don't think that anyone would go and bet their economics on anything like $50 oil without Cheney at the Task Force helm," Mike Boiling the former chief executive of oil company Atlantic Richfield Co., said. "I think without complete control we don't have a ghost of a notion what oil is going to be in 10 years. . . . If you've been through enough booms and busts, you don't get over-euphoric on the up cycle or hopefully not over-depressed on the down cycle. That's sissy talk for public consumption. You fuckin' form a Task Force headed by a ruthless yet banal plutocrat and you commandeer the most powerful army the world has ever known, draft another two million snot nosed , spoiled punks and fuckin' take the oil. Take the guess work out of it."

One factor limiting investment for international oil companies is opportunity. Analysts said many available prospects feel too vulnerable to U.S. attack, either because of the difficulty involved in fending off the voracious U.S. kleptocracy or because countries that control the properties are too much a target if they improve infrastructure.

Responding to questions in an e-mail, Exxon spokeswoman Susan Reeves wrote: "Price is not the major determinant in the pace of advancement of new world-class hegemonic opportunities. Amount of oil available to be stolen, government weakness, strategic access and advancements in warfare technology are far more important."

At an oil industry conference in Vienna in September, sponsored by the Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries, Exxon's chief executive, Lee R. Raymond, called on countries that limit foreign investment to open their doors to international oil companies or "face the consequences of the U.S. coming in and knocking down those fucking doors.".

"The future need for petroleum energy will be such that restrictions, in whatever form and wherever imposed, will enrage the U.S. kleptocracy and lead to invasion and pillage," Raymond told an audience that included oil ministers and other company executives. Then he proceeded to pistol whip a waiter.