The Assassinated Press

Koch Brothers offer Don Sterling $5 Billion for the Clippers with an eye toward breaking the union and re-segregating American professional sports.

By DUTSH BAGG
The Assaassinated Press
4/28/14

Charles and David Koch of Koch Industries have reportedly approached Don Sterling with an offer to purchase the Los Angeles Clippers basketball team.

The rumored purchase price is a staggering $5 billion dollars.

“That seems like a lot of money but when you consider the Kochs are the 5th and 6th wealthiest men in the world, it’s just another investment opportunity as well as a golden chance to express their fear and terror of people of color,” said W. Preston Baldwin III the current chairman of the anti-democratic, apriori fascist slush fund known as ALEC which runs on Koch Industry money.

“It’s also rumored that Charles and David favor Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker as the new commissioner of the NBA replacing Adam Silver, who they suspect of being a Jew,” ALEC’s Baldwin told the Assassinated Press.

“I understand Sterling is a Jew. And Silver’s a Jew. First we get the Jew’s out of professional sports. Then we get the blacks, gays and Latinos out,” David Koch told the Assassinated Press in a recent email. “Who the fuck needs ‘em? There seems to be an endless supply of 8 foot Frankenstein monsters from Slovenia.”

What if the other owners won’t vote in favor of Koch ownership?

“No problem. We’ll do what we always do. We’ll use extortion and lies,” David Koch quipped. “Shit! Half the owners are slum lords just like Donny Boy. Others are ambulance chasers. Or poison people on their cruise ships. Employ child labor. Pay and receive construction bribes. Software theft. Mortgage fraud. Unsafe mining. Kleptocracy. Movie pornography. Cable monopolies. High speed trading fraud. Murder. They’ll crack.”

So confident and rich are the Kochs that they are contemplating buying all 30 NBA franchises, purging them of all Jews, Muslims, blacks, gays, union leaders and other minorities and replacing them with young Birchers and Klan members as well as Liberty University graduates who can’t find work as oil geologists because of a conflict in time frames between reality and the Bible.

When asked if Koch Industries would be willing to let Nevada rancher and anti-intellectual maggot, Cloven(sic) Bundy graze his cattle on their millions of acres of Keystone pipeline land the Koch’s bought with Federal loans for free, Charles Koch chuckled, “Fuck no! Though I do appreciate his inability to form a coherent thought and his mindless bigotry. We need more people like that to do our dirty work and give us PR cover. But really I’d soon as have one of my minions shoot Cloven and leave his body in a ditch.”


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