The Assassinated Press

Two Year Old that Shot Mom in Walmart to Become Company's Chief of Security

The Assassinated Press

Little Barney Rutledge, the two year old who shot his mom to death in a Walmart, has just been hired as Chief of Security for that company.

On announcing the hiring Walmart CEO Doug Mcmillen said, “We need more enterprising young white cracker lads like Barney, a boy who puts Walmart’s interest first. He probably saw his mom trying to shop lift something, maybe a BB gun, and mistaking her for a nigger, shot her.”

NRA to present awards

The National Rifle Association has announced a series of certificates and awards to be presented at their April 2015 meeting in Nashville.

First, Veronica Rutledge will receive the 35th annual Dead Mom award for women killed by a spouse or other family member using a gun. The award is limited to those who were killed with a gun.

NRA CEO Wayne Lapierre praised this year’s winner for being killed by her two year old son thus “adding a bit a spice to the usual husband kills wife with Glock 9 senario”. Ms. Rutledge barely edged out 7800 other gun victims, many of them children, in the voting.

Young Barney will also receive a Infant Marksman Award not to be entirely confused with the Infantry Marksman Medal but very similar. “A head shot at two. Not a record. But not bad,” Lapierre told the media.

Other cash awards will go to members of Congress who will do nothing about this incident or the other thousands of instances of gun violence in this country as well as media pundits.

FOX News asks is the war between parents and their children heating up

FOX News pundits weighed in on this latest instance of child on parent violence. Steve Doocy told his FOX and Friends audience. “I know I’m a lot more cautious now around my six year old when he’s packin’. I sleep with a pistol under my pillow and another in the waste band of my pjs. Let that little fucker try me. I’ll blow his fuckin’ brains back to pre-school.” Gretchen Carlson said, “I love my little Barbara. But if she made a sudden move and came at me, I’d plant her ass where the sun don’t shine. You can bet on it.” Bill O’Reilly reminisced about the numerous times his children tried to kill him. “I’m a bit nostalgic for the times they tried the burning bed or running me down with the car. Now, my eldest could take me out with a sniper shot from 900 yards away compliments of the Marines. And, like all families, we do have lingering issues. That’s why I wear body armor 24/7. Even at the dinner table. New York Police Union, the sarcastically named Patrolmen’s Benevolent Association moves to enroll two year old

New York Police Union president Patyrick Lynch confirmed that his rank and file are anxious to bring Barney ‘Mommy Killer’ Rutledge on board. “He perfectly fits our hiring profile,“ Lynch swooned.

“Most of our guys have mental defects when we hire them. And age two is about our average IQ. I can’t imagine how fucked up little Barney’s gonna be. Now, we just plug in the racist component and move the fuck over Robocop.”

The Marines are looking for a few good men

The surviving Rutledges said they have already received ‘feelers’ from the US Marine Corps. Though creepy, when young Barney is of age, the Corps hopes the Rutledge’s make sure he’s stupid which is almost alock in Idaho; that he only gets a high school diploma by the skin of his teeth; that he has no prospect of a job, no money, much less brains for college; and he is psychotic so he’ll be a perfect fit for Jarheads Anonymous, the greatest fraternity of overblown assholes the world has ever known.

Semper Fi, Shits for Brains.