The Assassinated Press

Ass. Press Potpourri

The Assassinated Press

Look Who's Talking!

WASHINGTON (Oct. 14) - A defiant Karl Rove walked into the federal courthouse Friday for a fourth grand jury appearance in the CIA leak probe, following public disclosure of his conversations with two reporters about the identity of a covert officer at the spy agency. Rove was visibly distraught, as he spoke with the mob of reporters gathered outside the courthouse.
"Ain't this always the way," he complained.
"We've been robbing and looting the treasury for nearly six years, we've been committing mass murder all around the world and we've been raping the constitution in order to complete the most effective police state this country has ever seen. Our attack on the poor and elderly has been relentless, and we have raised cronyism to unheard of levels. We've managed to triple gas prices in a few short years, making President Cheney potentiallly the richest man on the planet -- all this without a fucking peep from the Great American Bald Lemming. Now I'm about to be freighted off to Leavenworth for leaking the identity of a stupid bitch that everyone who is anyone already knew was a fucking CIA agent. Where's the justice in that?"

Gingrich Mulls Possible 2008 Presidential Bid

MOBILE, Ala. (Oct. 13) - Former U.S. House Speaker Newt Gingrich said Thursday, "There are circumstances where I will run."
When asked if he thought the American consumers had forgotten the events that led to his disgrace and eventual downfall as Speaker of the House, Gringrich waved it off.
"If the American consumers can elect a perfectly stupid motherfucker like the punk currently in the White House, then anyone can be elected. All one need do is to be willing to kill whomever he's told to kill, and to send the checks wherever directed to send them. I've already amply demonstrated both of these qualities. I have no ethics or morals whatsoever, and those in power know this. They couldn't ask for a more groveling, complying toady than me, and they know it."

Prosecutor Subpoenas DeLay Phone Record
Congressman Facing Charges of Money Laundering and Conspiracy

AUSTIN, Texas (Oct. 14) - A Texas prosecutor on Thursday subpoenaed the phone records for former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay's home and campaign during the period he is accused of conspiring to launder illegal corporate donations to candidates.
Also subpoenaed by prosecutor Ronnie Earle were records for two phone numbers for DeLay's daughter, Danielle DeLay Ferro, and for a minivan that Earle alleged DeLay used to deliver bribes and illegal campaign contributions. When asked by a reporter if this latest move by Earle worried him, Delay responded by giving the reporter the finger. "You bastards are all the same," he growled.
"Just because some eager prosecutor has undeniable facts that crimes were committed, you shits assume that a conviction will necessarily follow. Well I'm here to tell you that this is America, and in this country things don't work like that! In this country it's who you know and how much you pay them -- that's how we run things here, and to shit-faced democratic prosecutor is gonna change that. So mark this down in your notebooks -- I ain't going to prison for doing what everyone else does -- the stupid American consumers won't allow it."

Republicans Dig Miers

WASHINGTON (Oct. 14) In the most recent Ass Press Poll, 96% of Republican men and 72% of Republican women polled admitted that they had masturbated at least once while having sexual fantasies of Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers. The poll has a margin of error of plus or minus 3%.

Senator Bill Frist Denies Violating Terms of Blind Trust

Attorneys for Bill Frist, currently under investigation for insider trading, denied that the Senator had violated the terms of the blind trust administered by his brother.
"The Senator has not seen his brother since the trust was created," they said.