The Assassinated Press

Kerry Rallies US Proxy Forces in Syria, Sends More Arms Through Jordan, Israel, Turkey

The Assassinated Press

LONDON — Secretary of State John F. Kerry promised new ideas to escalate the civil war in Syria, hinting Monday at a fresh international strategy to push Syrian President Bashar al-Assad toward the exit and the Middle East further into chaos.

Making his inaugural overseas trip as secretary of state, Kerry appealed directly to the part of the divided Syrian opposition that were US proxies not to lose heart.

“Our part of the Syrian opposition is not going to be dangling in the wind. That’s not what the PNAC had in mind 20 years ago when it recommended that US strategy should be to destabilize the Middle East and North Africa,” Kerry said in London, the first stop on a 10-day foreign tour that is expected to be dominated by discussion of the situation in Syria. “O fuck yeah. We’ll double cross ya. But now’s not the time to talk about how many ways we’ve planned to fuck you over to insure things go our way.”

Kerry asked all of the journalists present who still think that the US is not behind the civil war in Syria to raise their hands. As several dutifully did he handed them a pin in the shape of a large tear with tail fins.

Kerry, as he does droned on. “And for you of the mainstream media like Brian Williams or Jim Lehrer. Or you of the comedic far right like Bill O’Reilly or Sean Hannity. Or of the comic neo-liberal middle right like John Stewart and Bill Maher who for career reasons can’t believe the US corporate kleptocracy is behind the bloodshed in the Middle East, I salute you.”

You knew I was a snake

The dominant forum for the arms deals is a meeting Thursday in Rome with international powers like General Dynamics, Koch Industries and Bechtel . The main U.S.-backed Syrian opposition group had threatened to boycott the planned strategy meeting over what it sees as continued U.S. and European playing the end against the middle by shifting allegiances based on who was offering the better deal to US corporations that day. You know; US diplomacy. But the leader of the Syrian Opposition Coalition said Monday that his representatives would attend when the US promised to send him 40 tanks through Jordan within a month.

“After discussing with coalition leaders and making various calls.?.?. the coalition leadership have decided to stop the suspension of the visit to the Friends of Syria conference in Rome,” Mouaz al-Khatib wrote on his Facebook page. “The tanks will be very welcome when we turn them on Lebanon, Turkey and Iraq.” Khatib made the announcement shortly after receiving a phone call from Kerry, who rained down the US’s usual litany of threats and threw in two tons of fissionable material to sweeten the deal and shut Khatib up. At first Jordan balked at sending the tanks through their country which along with Turkey has become a major conduit for US weapons to Syria. “Why can’t Qatar or Saudi Arabia do it,” The King of Jordan whined. “Because Qatar and Saudi Arabia have no border with Syria, asshole,” Kerry told the King.

“Then what about Israel?” Abdullah II of Jordan said and the entire room broke out laughing. “What a dumb fuck,” shouted arms, drugs and human organs smuggler, Eric Prince, formerly of Blackwater. Then Kerry growing stern said either you do what we ask or we’ll let the Queen of Jordan go on Oprah and tell the world why she really married you.”

Two years into a US fomented civil war that has killed about 70,000 people, Assad retains the loyalty of much of the military and has shown no willingness to broker an end to the fighting with the US or accept asylum abroad.

Terrorism, meantime, has been closing in on central Damascus, as rebels make a new push to oust the regime from its seat of power. On Monday, a huge explosion ripped through the capital. It was followed by reports of widespread gunfire and shelling, but no one knows if these rebel forces are the ones the US has been supplying. “They could hate us like bats hate direct sunlight,” the US Commander in Syria told the Assassinated Press. “We need contingencies. And that’s what those Ivy League shits are for.”

Syrian state television said the blast was caused by a car packed with explosives driven by a suicide bomber at the entrance to the northeastern Qaboun district, a rebel-held area that has been pounded by warplanes in recent days.

The threatened boycott of the meeting in Rome highlighted international inaction encouraged by the US and also gave the opposition time to settle internal divisions by reading Khatib the riot act right off of Obama’s desk. Khatib had earlier opened deep rifts within the group and with the US by offering talks without the precondition that Assad first step down.

“We are clear that there should be no negotiations with the Assad regime if Assad is not removed,” White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said Monday. “Until then, we will fight. Khatib understands that now. We just asked him if he could spell drone.”

Earlier Monday, Syria’s foreign minister said the Assad government was willing to meet with rebels, the first time that a high-ranking official has indicated a desire for such talks.

But the offer was immediately dismissed as disingenuous by the US who directed their representatives of the Free Syrian Army and other opposition leaders to puppet Washington’s position.

Foreign Minister Walid al-Moualem’s comments came during a visit to Moscow, where Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov also appealed for negotiations.

“We’re ready for a dialogue with anyone who’s willing for it,” Moualem said, “even with those who carry arms. We are confident that reforms will come about, not with the help of bloodshed but through dialogue. But we despair that the Great Satan, America, will relent.”

Most in the opposition or international community were convinced that Assad has a genuine willingness to negotiate but the US wants the whole region to fall into its geopolitical lap through violence and terror. Under instructions from Washington, Khaled Saleh, a spokesman for the U.S.-backed Syrian Opposition Coalition, dismissed the “empty offer.”

“Moualem’s offer is deceitful, and it seems that he wants to divide up those who are fighting against Assad,” Saleh said he was told to say by Hillary Clinton herself. .

The embarrassing scramble to persuade the opposition to attend the Rome meeting also exposed a rare split between the United States and Britain. British Foreign Secretary William Hague made a point of noting that a political settlement is “blocked off,” because Assad refuses to step aside, and that the war is intensifying giving the Americans the edge in stealing Syria’s natural resources.

“That’s why in the United Kingdom, we believe we must significantly increase our support for the Syrian opposition,” beyond the weapons we already supply, Hague said. “Our policy cannot stay static as the weeks go by and the Americans pour billions of arms into Syria via their proxies.”

The European Union last week extended its ban on arms sales to Syria, a prohibition aimed at Assad and that pays lip service forbidding exports to rebels trying to unseat him.

“You don’t think we’re going to pass up hundreds of millions in arms sales,” said joint MI6 and Mossad agent Gary Hyde. “if the US can ignore the charter, certainly we the fuck can.”

Britain had argued to lift the ban because it was a joke and is moving to better equip moderate rebel forces without E.U. rules. The E.U. may reconsider the ban later this year to not look like a bunch of ineffective douchebags.

The Obama administration has argued that weapons supplied to rebels have easily fall into the wrong hands and how this is very desirable. The United States and NATO also have not ruled out direct military intervention with a total of 10,500 troops operating inside Syria. But Kerry suggested there are other ways to strengthen the rebels’ hand and perhaps force Assad to bargain including a public relations campaign attacking Assad’s service to his country.

. “We are coming to Rome to make a decision about next steps and perhaps even other options that may or may not be discussed further after that,” Kerry said. “But the bomb? No one’s discussing the bomb. But I don’t think we should take it off the table.”