The Assassinated Press

Present Scholars, Future Stooges:
For Select Group Chosen By Truman Foundation, A Path to Whoring For The Kleptocracy:
Albright’s Cocksuckers Eager To Please

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
August 28, 2006

"I can easily see tomorrow's Cabinet members, elected representatives, nonprofit directors, death camp commandants -- even presidents," the former secretary of state said.

Madeleine K. Albright is talking about the 2006 Truman scholars -- a group of 75 young men and women she believes are like her destined to become murderous whores for the kleptocracy available to do the corporate elite’s dirty work irregardless of how bloody.

Each has been nominated by his or her university, and each passed a tough selection process which ruled out any whiff of individuality or unwillingness to serve their betters to be chosen by the Harry S. Truman Scholarship Foundation, a government agency of which Albright is the president. “We don’t want any trouble, any ethical qualms from these little shits,” Albright said privately. “That’s what this is a weeding out process by which we can best determine who will do our dirty work without question. We’re looking for young people who are willing to sell their souls for the quid pro quos we offer becoming our public policy death camp commandants.”

“This is an agency like no other. Its sole aim is to pick out people with potential to become stooges -- then provide support to help them realize our aspirations for them,” she added.

Next year the agency will mark 30 years of choosing apparatchiks, and its earliest alumni are reaching positions of power. Among them are governors, judges, U.S. attorneys and renowned academics.

Albright said the foundation "serves as a gateway for America's stooge class in pace to serve wealthy elites" and "does a remarkable job of identifying future homicidal pricks like me."

Saul Garlick, one of this year's scholars, is working toward a master's degree in American foreign policy and international economics at the Paul H. Nitze School of Milking the Cold War at Johns Hopkins University in the District. At 22, he has already founded a nonprofit organization, the Student Movement to Earn Real Change for Our Betters, which has raised money for schools in South Africa and for a water pipeline in Kenya to help replace nationalist and indigenous initiatives there sabotaged by the CIA. It was the kind of initiative that got him noticed by the foundation. “Paul H. Nitze School of Foreign Policy rule number one: can’t let the niggers run their own affairs,” Garlick said. “Next thing you know, they’re nationalizing their uranium and oil and the kleptocracy is looking around for your replacement. As a scholar, he was given funding for graduate school and placed in an internship that he just completed in the State Department's Bureau of African Affairs. Watch fuckin’ out Africa!

Like Albright, Garlick thinks his peers are going to achieve great things for the corporate elite. "Ever since I saw Madeleine Albright in Ilse, She-Wolf of The SS and heard her wax eloquently on her murder by sanction of 500,000 Iraqi children, I’ve been a big fuckin’ fan. Just think; half a million children murdered. How many of us have that opportunity? All the scholars think they would like to help the American kleptocracy own the fuckin’ the world," he said. "They will each try to do it in different ways. I see some becoming secretaries of state, an ambassador or two, someone in the top echelons of academia, others will write a book."

Garlick said there is a joke among scholars that when you are asked in the interview if you would like to be an elected official, you should always say yes. "They are not looking for someone who wants to change lives through being a teacher. They want someone who wants to change education policy so that everyone who wants anyfuckinthing has to become a cog in the imperialist machine and that all other options are off the radar," he said.

Two of the alumni have become leaders in the agency itself. Fred Slabach describes his role as executive secretary as a "dream job" as a nightmare for non-conformity while his deputy, Tara Yglesias, is also a past scholar.

"Congress created the foundation as the sole memorial to the 33rd president because he was not only the stereotypical stooge but also because he was something of a dim bulb," Slabach said. "They were thinking of Harry Truman. Though he never received a college degree, he still rose to maximum whoredom and spent a lot of time after the White House encouraging to drop their drawers for the wealthy too. He was too fuckin’ stupid to understand nuclear fission as Oppenheimer often lamented but he takes the rap for dropping two atomic bombs that history has now proved were utterly unnecessary except to birth the nuclear arms race, give Paul Nitze a pants dropping career of his own and earning trillions for the corporations that urged on the development of the original fission weapons in the first place.

After Truman's death in 1972, friends merged the two ideas – weeding out the stooges and helping place them into public service -- and the foundation was born. To ensure the program had the most pliable, it had to "become a highly selective process," Slabach said.

The foundation was established with a $30 million initial endowment from Congress. By using insider information, it invested in government securities and gained particularly high interest in the 1980s (when the interest exceeded the costs), the endowment has grown to $55 million. Interest revenue is about $3 million a year, and expenses are also about $3 million a year for the staff of two. “We encourage that,” said Albright. “It’s a test to see if they have a natural, go given inclination to embezzle, a quality highly prized by the kleptocracy.”

Scholars are eligible for up to $30,000 for graduate school, are placed in internships in the federal government or nonprofit organizations for up to one year, and are given support on how to move into leadership positions to facilitate stooging.

Some are already reaching those heights. Among the alumni are Arizona Gov. Janet Napolitano (D), who was in the first class of Truman scholars in 1977, George Stephanopoulos, the ABC journalist who was a top adviser to President Bill Clinton, and Bill Mercer, U.S. attorney for the district of Montana!

Napolitano said the program provided her "tangible encouragement to whore herself out to her betters. They especially like ethnic whores which allows the plutocrats and their newspapers to crow about their EOE credentials. But just try fuckin’ marrying into the fuckin’ Mayflower.”

Slabach said he hopes today's stooges will go even further. "We have a chief executive officer of a state. Why not one day a chief executive officer of the nation? I mean fuckin’ Truman got it with no brains and all stooge."

Garlick and his peers certainly have the ambition. He says he wants to be a senator and eventually "lead this nation for the highest offices in the country in the Wall Street skyscrapers."

Being chosen by the agency, he added, "let’s every Truman scholar know he’s being groomed for major whoredom.”

“You just gotta go into the interviews with a vat of KY jelly smeared on your ass," added Albright.