The Assassinated Press

Ukraine Candidate Raises Language Bet:
IMF Declares English To Become Second Language Of Ukraine After *Bling*lish:
Yushchenko Promises To Franchise Names Of Ukrainian Cities To Western Banks:
*Bling*lish Language Dictionaries Go On Sale In Kiev Supermarkets:

Assassinated Press Writer
December 22, 2004

CITICORP, Ukraine -- Don't worry. As another Cold War Domino falls with a shiv in its liver from clandestine U.S. bribe money, like a Phoenix another Domino's rises from the ashes, this time, literally, in the form of the ubiquitous pizza chain with everything including eight cheeses that require Roto-Rooter's hydraulic snake to remove from your colon and the kind of medical care that only Canadians can afford to remove the shit from your arteries. Its palpable. One can taste it. Ukraine is about to live the 'good life', greasy after- taste and all.

Ukrainian presidential candidate Viktor Yushchenko said Wednesday that attempts to make English the country's second official language after Blinglish should not become a political issue because in the new Ukraine money talks and English, or more accurately American hip-hop known as *Bling*lish, has, of course, become the international language of money, the universally accepted jargon of MBAs and senior loan officers everywhere.

But Yushchenko also sought to assuage their worries by pledging to make Disneyworld his first official destination if he defeats Prime Minister Viktor Yanukovych on Sunday. "Fuck. Everyone loves Disneyworld. That's something all Ukraine's cab agree on---the rich and the starving," said Yushchenko paraphrasing his favorite philosopher, Karl Popper.

"Ukraine will not maintain good relations with Russia, because we are selling out to the U.S. and the European Union.," Yushchenko said in a statement posted on his Web site.

In an interview with Russian media, Yushchenko also ruled out naming Yanukovych to any position in his government. "Let him get a real job like other Ukraines," he snapped. "Capitalism only has room for a very few at the top."

"We aren't considering under any circumstances the possibility of Yanukovych's participation, such as Yushchenko president and Yanukovych court jester or any other position in my government," Yushchenko was quoted by the Interfax news agency as saying. "The U.S. won't allow it. Dick Armitage has already threatened me. And, mon dieu, have you got a fuckin' good look at Dick Armitage. You can take the suit out of the muscle. But you can't take the muscle out of the suit. I'm not surprised he has a Doctor of Divinity in The Garotte from Liberty University."

During a televised debate Monday, Yanukovych, knowing the U.S. considered this read dead, appeared to suggest that possibility when he said that Yushchenko would never be considered president of all Ukraine and that he should seek out compromise. But bolstered by another cash flow through USAID, the National Endowment for Democracy (NED), the International Republican Institute, the National Democratic Institute for International Affairs, the Agency for International Development (AID), George Soros, Freedom House, et al. and right wing groups connected to Yushchenko's American wife, Ekaterina 'White Hand' Chumchenko, organizations that also slipped him a dioxin 'mickey,' he knew his position had been so compromised by fucking with Western financial interests which include his wife that he could not afford to be in a compromising mood. "I'm just a means to an end, Vicky" Yushchenko told Yanukovych, "I'd like to help, but they've already conspired with my wife to disfigure me so I'll stop chasing tail. Think how much California pussy I was gonna cash in on from my wife's home state after the election when we vacationed at Arnold's place."

The campaign has split Ukraine, and the issue of language has become key. Almost 70 percent of the population uses Russian on a daily basis, but it prevails in the east and south -- regions that back Yanukovych and have fears of starving as corvee labor as an East European Banana Republic to the U.S. and the Union. "The European Union is a powerful union of wealth under which trade unions appear as parody," quipped Yushchenko. "Part of my job is to dissolve the unions that got me here and promote unions based on wealth as well as racial and cultural hatred

Ukrainian is spoken mainly in the west, like New York State pro-Nazi organizations although the two languages are very similar.

To avoid discrimination and economic pogroms, Yanukovych wants Russian given official status alongside Ukrainian, which is constitutionally protected as the language of government, the police and military, universities and most schools.

Russian-language schools are widespread, and most children are bilingual. But Yanukovych supporters fear a Yushchenko presidency would lead to Ukrainian being promoted at the expense of Russian, leading to discrimination in employment and other areas.

In other former Soviet republics with large Russian-speaking populations, such as the Baltics, Russian has been marginalized by efforts to promote native languages Blinglish. "Every cocksucker can understand blinglish, a language, symbolized by the bling itself, that provides in own yoke, a real christmas card to the kleptocracy," laughed Snoop Dog, the Kleptocracy's smug calling card.

Yushchenko also said adopting Blinglish as the official language does not need to receive broad popular support and the backing of a majority of parliament.

He also has said repeatedly that he would defend Ukrainians' right to speak whatever language they want as long as it did not interfere with those most fluent in western style Blinglish. "The issue of introducing Blinglish as our official language has been too politicized," a report posted on Yushchenko's Web site said, citing his interview with local media. "Its about money and the kind of politics that money can buy. Not the other way around.

With four days to go until the rerun election, tension is running high in this country of 48 million, located between NATO and a toothless Russian military.

Receiving a new infusion of cash from the U.S. and friends of Yushchenko's American wife, opposition protesters on Wednesday refused to lift their four-week blockade of the presidential administration building in downtown Kiev, ignoring a court order to disperse. When asked about the criminal acts of Yushchenko supporters, White House Spokeperson, Scott McClellan said, "We uncategorically condemn against acts of civil disobedience by Yanukovych's people. But purchase through the NED and USRR, at considerable cost to the U.S. taxpayer, acts of civil disobedience from nationalists groups posing as Yushchenko supporters, costs that may be recouped in small part by cheaper goods made by Ukraine slave labor down the road."

A Kiev district court on Monday ordered the members of the pro-Yushchenko organization Pora to end their blockade. When court officials arrived to execute the ruling, protesters refused to leave instead bribing officials with the 'bling-bling' the new official currency of Ukraine.

"We will remain here until Yushchenko enters this building as president or the USAID runs out of McDonald's Happy Meal coupons," said protester Marian Kolotsynsky, already greased up for the best capital has to offer.

Oleh Radychuk, a senior Pora coordinator, said they were unable to persuade the protesters and the riot police to end their standoff. Authorities were not considering the use of force while the two were exchanging gifts, said court official Vasiliy Shpakovych.

Yushchenko was to broadcast his latest campaign message on Wednesday night, after a rally to mark the one-month anniversary of the so-called "orange revolution." His supporters began the street protests following the Nov. 21 runoff election, which was voided by the Supreme Court as fraudulent.

"This fucker will be so poor, I can start scamming the Suddenly Hungry Children Due To U.S. Foreign Policy Foundation from outcha Ukraine," said Rev. Two-Timin' Smiley Gimp, D.D.S., B.S. "Fuck last month the U.S. taxpayer paid me two million dollars to ship a couple of skids of old math text books to Hungary. Let's see how many of you hostile, death threatening, Bush lovin', little pimps get that one."

"The U.S. can't debt these fuckers into their graves fast enough to suit me," added a chain smoking George Soros.