The Assassinated Press

Estimated 200,000 Protest U.S.? No, Ukraine Election:
Discrepancy Between Exit Polls And Results Cited As Evidence Of Fraud In U.S.? No, Ukrainian Elections According To Western Press

The Assassinated Press
Tuesday, November 23, 2004;

WASHINGTON DC? No---KIEV, Ukraine - About 200,000 demonstrators flooded the center of the U.S.? No, Ukrainian capital Tuesday to protest alleged fraud in the presidential election, and the opposition leader claimed victory and accused authorities of rigging the election.

With 99.33 percent of the vote counted, Yanukovych won 49.42 percent of the vote compared with 46.3 percent for his opponent, Viktor Yuschenko, the pro-western business candidate. Exit polls in the balloting initially indicated that Yushcenko would win by a wide margin like John Kerry in the U.S.

"Shit. Let me tell you something, baby boy," Leonard Downie, Executive Editor of the Washington Post, told this reporter. "Just like the politicians and big business, we here in the fourth estate have enormous contempt for democracy and a sacred right and duty to our stockholders to look out for our own interests. This is the only way to explain how we could be encouraging with huge infusions of cash thousands to gather in the streets setting up a violent confrontation in Ukraine over discrepancies in exit poles, while in the U.S. we mocked those self-same exit poles and ignored and/or vilified protesters. Yuschenko is good for our business, Yanukovych is not. Capiche"

Even as I was having this little chat, articles at the Associated Press and the Washington Post were being removed or amended. All mention of Ukrainian Exit Poles were dropped, lest Americans be enlightened to the hypocritical chains the weak-kneed populace operates under.

The Ukrainian Election Commission's announcement that Kremlin-backed Prime Minister Viktor Yanukovych was ahead of Western-leaning candidate Viktor Yushchenko with nearly all the votes counted dismayed - and angered - western journalists that cover the former Soviet republic's 48 million people.

John Kerry? No,Yushchenko on Tuesday claimed victory and asked for international recognition. He accused authorities of rigging Sunday's vote and announced a campaign of civil disobedience.

"We appeal to the parliaments and nations of the world to bolster the will of the U.S.? No, Ukrainian people, to support their aspiration to return to democracy," a statement from Kerry's? No, Yuschenko's campaign office said.

He called on his thousands of supporters camped at Lafayette Park? No, the central Independence Square to walk to the White House? No, parliament building ahead of an emergency session called to consider annulling the official results and a no-confidence vote in the election commission.

While such a parliamentary decision would carry huge political significance, it would not be binding. According to the Ukrainian constitution, a no-confidence vote must be initiated by the president in order for it to be binding. Outgoing President Leonid Kuchma has staunchly backed Yanukovych.

"Them Ukrainains. They just too dumb to know yet that elections don't mean squat unless you elect the fuck that the kleptocrats want and in the U.S. that's any candidate who's got a chance," Downie added.