The Assassinated Press

“So Long Suckers.”
Nothing Personal; Halliburton Cuts And Runs, Plans Move To Dubai To Be Closer To Its Iraq Oil Concessions.
Critics Pounce on News of War Contractor's Planned Move From Houston to Dubai, Call On Cheney To Cancel Halliburton’s Steak Sauce, Blood Plasma And Body Bag Contracts.

The Assassinated Press
March 11, 2007

The continuing criminal conspiracy and administration puppet master known as Halliburton is moving its corporate headquarters from Houston to Dubai in the United Arab Emirates.

"Hey, it’s a fuckin’ global economy assholes,” said CEO Dave Lesar. “Maybe Chavez and Latin America ain’t buyin’ what the chimp was selling in Colombia yesterday, but maybe its because we kick those motherfuckers a lot harder than we do the mindless fodder we cultivate in the U.S. And I’m sure the assholes in the heartland will take this parting shot like the docile pussies they are. The Eastern hemisphere is a market that is more heavily weighted toward oil exploration and production opportunities which means we want to be closer to the oil we're stealing in Iraq using American blood and treasure," CEO Lesar added at an energy conference in nearby Bahrain which is also no where the fuck near Lubbock. "And growing our business here will bring more balance to Halliburton's overall portfolio in other words to the only people that matter, our board and major shareholders. You wouldn’t let a Dubai company come in and take over U.S. ports last year because of terrorist concerns. Well this is our fuckin’ answer. We just joined the terrorists. So long suckers."

The draw is obvious. Halliburton can not only rob the U.S. people but skip out on paying taxes on what they stole. Dubai's friendly tax laws will add to Halliburton's bottom line. Last year, it earned $2.3 billion in profits.

Sen. Patrick Leahy, D-N.H., called the company's move "corporate greed at its worst" after inquiring about a chair on Halliburton’s board He added, "This is an insult to the U.S. soldiers and taxpayers who paid the tab for their no-bid contracts and endured their overcharges for all these years. This is capitalism at its bloody best. At the same time they'll be avoiding U.S. taxes, I'm sure they won't stop insisting on taking their profits in cold hard U.S. cash. Brilliant!"

Fellow Democratic Rep. Henry Waxman, D-Calif., who chairs the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee, which has investigated contractor fraud, is planning to hold yet another hearing to make it appear that so-called representative government has not been again completely fucked by transnational corporations.

"This is a surprising development. I gotta admit they fuckin’ fooled me," he said. "I want to understand the ramifications for U.S. taxpayers and national security and the see if I can get a work visa for Dubai."

Waxman's committee estimates that Halliburton, once headed by President Cheney, has received contracts valued at an estimated $25.7 billion for an estimated $46.18 worth of work they have so far done in Iraq.

Among the company's myriad low points are said to be serving troops spoiled food, exposing troops to water contaminated with horse piss from stables near the Euphrates River, failing to adequately protect its contractors and conspiring with Cheney and other members of the Energy Task Force to fabricate lies about Iraq and use the U.S. military, its materiel and personnel, as their own taxpayer financed personal mercenary force.

“In that respect they have stolen many more billions of dollars than the $26 billion they contracted for and murdered thousands of Americans and Iraqis in their blind pursuit of oil,” said Colombian street vendor Emilio Juarez who then turned and planted a major lugie on the windshield of sham President Bush’s limo as it sped through the streets of Bogota toward the airport.

Last month, the government's special inspector general for Iraq found Halliburton overcharged the U.S. government $2.7 billion, a finding the company is still contesting and will never ever have to pay back. “Loving money means never having to say your sorry,” chided Lesar.

"This is part and parcel of the way they do business," said Robert Greenwald, the man behind the film, "Iraq for Sale: The War Profiteers," which documented Halliburton's excesses. "I hope it increases the number of investigations and subpoenas that they will be subjected to because I’m too much of a pussy to hang these motherfuckers."

“Hey. Document away. Subpoena away. What the fuck do I care?” Lesar told the Assassinated Press.

Halliburton will maintain a corporate office in Houston under heavy U.S. military guard and private security supplied by Blackwater. “We expect an increased threat of terrorism to our Houston office now that we are an Arab company,” Lesar said. “Americans are so provincial when it comes to business.”