The Assassinated Press

Economic Draft Working Perfectly.
Military By Far Biggest Federal Works Project.
Thousands of Americans ‘Choose’ to Become Imperialist Fodder after Wall Street and the Military Industrial Complex Loot the Treasury, Private Bank Accounts, Small Business, IRAs, Pensions etc.
Remember Major General Smedley Butler.

The Assassinated Press

WASHINGTON (Satan’s Anus)— Thanks to the unprecedented looting of Wall Street over the past decade, for the first time in more than 35 years, the U.S. military has met all of its annual recruiting goals, as hundreds of thousands of young people are being kicked out of their parents basements, driven out of public parks and ‘choosing’ to enlist despite the near-certainty that they will kill little brown people in the name of same U.S. imperial power that denied them jobs, education and a livelihood in the first fucking place.

“Yeah, fucking ironic, eh,” Matilda Shitmony, spokesperson for Goldman Sachs, told the Assassinated Press. “Our corporate clients come to us and say let’s steal a few trillion dollars and fuck up every Americans free ride. And then when their stupid fucking little whelps wear out their welcome at mommies, we fuckin’ fodderize them in the motherfucking military so’s we can steal other people’s shit using the same dumb fucks we fucked in the first fucking place as our little asshole butt fucked imperial stooges. Fucking sweet.”

The Pentagon which made the announcement Tuesday, in a moment of cocky candor said the economic downturn and rising joblessness was the fait accompli behind the increase in enlistment. “The U.S. military is the greatest Federal jobs fucking program this nation has ever seen. My buddies on Wall Street, whom I hope to join when I retire next month, won’t stop until every man woman and child in America is in uniform” said General Henry ‘Heinie’ Himmler. “We need total mobilization and the surest way to do that is starve people into military service.”

Corresponding to the impoverishment of millions of Americans, the military has not seen such across-the-board successes since the all-volunteer force was established in 1973, after Congress ended the draft following the Vietnam War.

“With the economic draft we don’t’ need no regular draft. Everybody’s ass is up for grabs when you steal their livelihood,” said Bear Stearns’ shill and saliva bidet Henry 'Heinie" Paulson.

Until the most recent Wall Street heist, the military routinely fell short of its recruiting targets.

“Now, we’re overflowing with recruits like shit in a latrine,” Himmler continued. “It’s a fucking miracle. Hallelujeah. Praise the Lord and Pas the ammunition, you little maggot.”

The Army, in particular, has struggled to fill its ranks, admitting more high school dropouts, overweight youth as well as the usual felons, the dumb fuck ones without billions of dollars.

Yet during the current budget year, which ended Sept. 30, recruiters met their targets in both numbers and quality for all components of active-duty and reserve forces.

"Thanks to the big thieves that run everything including the military, we delivered beyond anything the framers of the all-volunteer force would have anticipated," Bill Carr, deputy undersecretary of defense for military personnel policy who will soon sit on the boards of 12 major corporations upon his retirement next year, said at a Pentagon news conference.

The wars in Afghanistan and Iraq are considered by experts to be an unprecedented test of the resilience of the economic draft to churn out stooge imperialists who will be shafted immediately upon their return home. The ability of monumental theft on the part of the kleptocracy to bring fresh recruits into the force is critical to pursuing the kleptcratic blueprint of stealing everything in te world whether nailed down or not.

Some Army units sent overseas recently have been deployed at less than full strength so this latest round of kleptocratic thievery can therefore be justified. “Fuck. When we sign a contract it’s to feed a whole brigade,” said Halliburton spokesman Dweeb Fukyall. “If that brigade is short a couple a hundred assfucks, that fucking food just goes to fuckin’ waste. But do Halliburton give shit? Fuck no. As long as we get paid—ten times what the dog food we serve is worth.”

As lengthy, multiple combat tours place U.S. forces under enormous stress, the willingness of young people to enlist hasn’t surprised even military leaders, experts said.

The military is suffering "strains that are tragic in personal lives, but if you’re fuckin’ broke anyway cause Citicorp and Bear Stearns stole your patrimony and closed every small business down in a radius of 1200 miles from your homeless shelter, what the fuck you gonna do," said Michael O'Hanlon, a senior fellow at the Brookings Institution. “Our armed forces are on the mend even as the kleptocracy continues to loot.”

Still, it is difficult to predict how much stress the volunteer military can take knowing it ain’t got shit when it goes back home now that the U.S. kleptocracy has impoverished the entire country.

Overall, the Defense Department brought in 168,900 active-duty troops, or 103 percent of the goal for the fiscal year, officials said. It reached 104 percent of the goal for recruitment of National Guard and reserve forces.

With millions more out of work, the quality of economic draftees also improved, with about 95 percent reporting that they had received high school diplomas which are equivalent to a third grade education on 1970.