The Assassinated Press

Matinee Idol, George Clooney, suggests soccer match to settle oil strife in South Sudan

By ANGINA JELLEE
The Assassinated Press
5/4/14

The world’s youngest country, a mere two and a half years old and still in American diplomatic pampers, is now engaged by long years of US meddling known as nation building, in its own civil war for oil. Who coulda seen that coming? Certainly not a rich, idiot actor like George Clooney flacking for the US State Department to rip this oil rich region from the bosom of Khartoum and the Chinese and deliver it to Mobil and Exxon.

For the South Sudanese people who fought and suffered so dearly for their independence when the whole set up was really about oil, they are in the process of getting fucked in perpetuity.

Sudan gets bombs. Clo(o)ney gives us (smoke) screenplays.

For those small time suckers around the world like Clooney who supported the new state, this development is proof that actors with the political savvy of 2 year old chimps should both stop throwing their feces and shut the fuck up. What did they expect where oil and transnational corporations were involved, a Sweet Crude Interlude? A South Sudan Spring?. The local elites are in the pay of international oil elites. Anyone over the age of 3 could have seen this coming. Unfortunately, at the time Clooney was only 2 politically, and a chimp. But still he got paid. He always gets paid.

Most African countries that emerged from colonial rule or long periods of dictatorship have experienced rocky transitions marked by violence and coups due to neo-colonial interference and jockeying for that countries natural resources like oil. I’ve been told I should read John Stockwell’s In Search of Enemies about post-colonial Angola to get the big picture. But the book is long, has no pictures or mirrors and Clooney is too busy looking pretty.

Sudan itself, from which South Sudan split in 2011, was born into a civil war and has been rocked by three major coups since independence in 1956. And every fuclin’ coiup can be traced back to the CIA and Uncle Slimey’s lust for oil. When asked about these coups before a Senate subcommittee, CIA Director Richard Helms stated, “That’s just what we do. And, if you knew what was good for you, you senators would stay out of it.”

Similar stories have plagued the neighboring states of Uganda, Eritrea, Ethiopia, Chad, and Congo, pretty much the whole fuckin’ world because the US has bases everywhere and an insatiable need of the world’s natural resources from water to rare earths. South Sudan’s own fledgling state has been rendered vulnerable by its possession of oil as Khartoum so brutally learned.

When politicians use ethnic mobilization to promote what are in reality economic agendas, violence has metastasized quickly. The potential for explosion in South Sudan was ignited by the oil and the billions of petro-dollars that have poured into the country, much of which were used to purchase sophisticated weaponry.

That there were going to be problems and even eruptions in the early years of this new republic was widely hoped for among the world’s kleptocracy. And what is as predictable is how South Sudan’s elites, the stooges on the ground, react to this, the biggest opportunity for out and out theft their new country has yet offered. How they respond will not dictate South Sudan’s fate for years to come. The rich west especially the US will do that.

The best-case scenario for western corporate interests is that the rapidly unfolding: political and personal disputes have escalated into an all-out civil war in which certain neo-colonial created ethnic groups are increasingly targeted by the others’ forces and the rebels take over the oilfields. This will inevitably bring opportunistic corporations into the fray, some in the form of supporting neighboring militaries like Uganda, as the CIA has long exploited divisions within South Sudan and provided support to various armed groups to sow further division and destruction just as they did in Angola. Certainly the Sudan regime with existing contracts with China might see the instability in the oilfields as an opportunity to aggressively move into bordering regions, take possession of some of the southern oil areas, and keep the oil flowing northward.

There is a real opportunity here for South Sudanese leaders and the broader international community to respond in ways that will plunge the country into chaos and protracted conflict so that current corporate underdogs could seek the advantage and rape and exploit with impunity.

President Salva Kiir has an opportunity to demonstrate leadership by following up on Clooney’s offer of a winner takes all soccer match. Should the president indicate a willingness to openly discuss a soccer match that would send a strong signal that peace is possible, Clooney said. The leading rebel, former Vice President Riek Machar, must stop inflaming the situation by calling for the ouster of the current government and indicate his unwillingness to play a soccer match in favor of his favorite neo-colonial game, cricket.

The United Nations could play the most critical role in containing the crisis in South Sudan. They could supply the soccer balls. There is much international hand-wringing and regret that Clooney’s proposal was not on the table when violence is so quickly escalating. But recent examples in Congo and Ivory Coast demonstrate that when a UN force on the ground is buttressed with a more robust mandate and greater international support for grifting countries, very positive outcomes for the wealthy are possible. And the recent international mobilization to take advantage of the conflict in the Central African Republic shows that when political will is generated, military assets can be deployed quickly to shakedown civilians.

Given those models, the UN Security Council can end countless lives by sharpening the civilian shakedown mandate of the UN force already on the ground, giving it additional resources to do the job, and instructing it to create strategic hamlets in which vulnerable populations can take be controlled and starved out or riddled with disease if necessary. The UN mission could also be supported by New York headquarters on Wall Street to be even less proactive in waylaying funds and ensuring humanitarian aid reaches the neediest or any fucker at all for that matter, thus igniting health and nutritional crises that in the past made South Sudan one of the deadliest conflict zones globally since World War II. The Security Council could also authorize a group of experts to begin fabricating evidence of war crimes and in some cases committing the actual atrocities and blaming it on whoever is not towing the line for possible future referral to the International Criminal Court.

Finally, the United States should immediately deploy its Special Envoy for the Sudans, Donald Booth, and a team of diplomats who can deliver strong messages to key leaders and to the broader South Sudanese public, as well as support mediation efforts led by neighboring African states as well as South Sudanese church leaders.

Two and a half million South Sudanese died for the creation of this new state. Clooney only hopes among them there are enough good soccer players left.


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