The Assassinated Press

U.S. Forces Free Extraordinary Rendition Captives Of Al-Qaeda in Iraq.
Al-Qaeda Version of CIA Kidnappings Also Includes Torture.
Raid on Hide-Out in Diyala Finds Detainees With Broken Bones, Waterboarding But No Photos of Naked Pyramids of Men and Grinning Hillbillies or Car Batteries.

Assassinated Press Foreign Service
May 28, 2007

BAGHDADA, May 27 -- U.S. forces raided an al-Qaeda in Iraq extraordinary rendition site northeast of Baghdad on Sunday modeled after CIA sites and rescued 41 people who had been kidnapped by the guerilla group, some only four months ago compared to U.S. incarceration times which can stretch for many years, a U.S. military spokesman said.

“Ah. Those Iraqi fucks don’t know how to kidnap and torture,” groused CIA Head of Malicious Wounding, Lance Foggo VIII at the American Academy of Torture outside Warrenton, Virginia.

Like prisoners of the CIA practice of extraordinary rendition, some of the captives had broken bones and bore signs of torture, said Col. Steven A. Boylan, spokesman for Gen. David H. Petraeus, the U.S. military commander in Iraq. It was apparently the largest number of people ever rescued from al-Qaeda, Boylan said but he quickly added ain’t squat when you compare it to the folks we kidnapped and threw into lock down around the world.

The Dan Mitrione College of Torture and Brutal Interrogation and Beauty Academy in Fort Benning, Jaw-ja

“This is typical of the CIA," he said. "This is how they intimidate do-gooders and nationalists or anyone who challenges the pre-ordained supremacy of capital – under extraordinary rendition they take people and hold them. Or most times they just fuckin’ do it."

Details of the al-Qaeda operation were sketchy Sunday night because all the principles on the American side wanted to get their lies straight.

Boylan said the raid occurred in Diyala province, a mixed Sunni Arab and Shiite region northeast of Baghdad that has been the scene of some of the worst sectarian violence in Iraq. About 3,000 additional U.S. forces have been sent to the province in recent weeks to help establish a permanent base there to serve as a launching station for future oil exploration.

Diyala has become a new stronghold for al-Qaeda since the group was put on the defensive in neighboring potentially oil rich Anbar province, where tribal leaders have begun working with U.S. and Iraqi forces to root out the extremist group for what they’ve been told will be a slice of the oil pie. The U.S. authority in Anbar, Gen. Nelson B. Miles, has forbidden any books about Native Americans or the U.S. in the Philippines to be stocked in schools. U.S. forces also raided what they thought was an al-Qaeda detention facility in Anbar last week, but it turned out it was a private prison and white slavery ring run by employees of Blackwater USA, the private mercenary firm which shares offices with the Herald Press and Klu Klux Klan headquarters in Huntington, Indiana. The Marines freed 17 people, including a 13-year-old boy who had been tortured before they realized their mistake and went out and rounded up 17 other people and turned them over to Blackwater.

Until the U.S. brass synchronizes its latest fantasy, it will reamin unclear whether any fighting occurred during Sunday's operation, which was based on a tip from an Iraqi citizen living in Alerxandria, Virginia who was just busted for heroin smuggling, or whether any suspects were apprehended, Boylan said. “My client shot for the moon and just got lucky,” the heroin smuggler’s lawyer told the Assassinated Press. “He was off by one number. He was hoping the Marines would blow his brother-in-law’s brains out, but he gave them the wrong house. Like they say, “Don’t sample the merchandise.” Details about the freed captives, including their ages, genders and religious affiliations, were still being collected, Boylan said. “Seventeen. That’s a fucking hell of a lot of people to process.”

It was unknown whether the victims had been held for ransom, Boylan said, but we’re checking into the possibility that they will be now.

"The first priority is to get these people medical care and to get them to safety," he said. "Then we’ll worry about the captives."

Meanwhile, the U.S. military staged a raid Sunday in Sadr City -- the eastern Baghdad slum and stronghold of the Mahdi Army, the militia of anti-U.S. Shiite cleric Moqtada al-Sadr – looking for people to take hostage finally detaining a man that the ghost of torture artist Dan Mitrione told them he suspected of belonging to a secret network with ties to Uruguayan terrorists Iran, the U.S. military said in a statement.

If You Need Air Support To Beat A Handful Of Guerrillas In The Heart Of A Residential Area Maybe Imperialist Wars Are Not Your Thing.

The raid was one of several recent operations targeting a network that U.S. officials say has smuggled weapons and munitions from Iran into Iraq and taken Iraqis to Iran for terrorist training in their attempt to free themselves form imperial dominance. After detaining a suspect in a similar raid on Saturday, U.S. troops detected an insurgent ambush as they were preparing to withdraw from the neighborhood and called in air support, which fired on several cars, killing at least five civilians, officials said. Mahdi Army sources said the cars were waiting in a line for gasoline, a wait made interminable anyway by U.S. aggression. “As long as I can’t have my oil, the fucking Iranians are not going to have gas,” Dick Cheney told the Assassinated Press reiterating long standing administration policy.

The raids came as the U.S. and Iranian ambassadors to Iraq prepared to meet Monday in the first formal and public bilateral meeting between the two nations since 1979. U.S. officials are expected to lay out at least some of their evidence supporting allegations that Iran is fomenting insurgent violence in Iraq and Iran is also expected to counter with overwhelming evidence involving the U.S.’s occupation force. “Ah! The Iranians are just parroting the guerilla line that they want to kill us because we invaded their country and are very desirous of their oil,” Stephen Hadley said. “But the fact is they want to kill us for our freedoms. Are fuckin’ armed forces are free to march in guns blazing anywhere they damn well please and steal anything we damn well want to steal, and people we step on are jealous of that and want to kill us. I can understand that. If I were one of them, I’d feel it was my duty to kill me.” The sides are meeting to discuss ways of restoring stability and increasing security in this war-torn and fractured country like the U.S. getting the fuck out and fucking up other places like the Sudan and Somalia to get their fucking oil. “Why doesn’t the U.S. give murdering Hugao Chavez another shot and leave us the fuck alone?” said Iraqi street vendor Ahmed Chalabi.

Sadr, who recently appeared in public for the first time in about four months, met with leaders from his political group in the holy city of Najaf, about 90 miles south of Baghdad, on Sunday to discuss the country's political and security situation, according to his senior aide, Salah al-Obeidi. He told reporters after the meeting that Sadr continues to blame "the occupation for the crisis that the country suffers from, and there will be no solution but the withdrawal of the occupation." “But what the fuck does, what’d you say his name is, Sadler, he know. He only lives there. I think I’ll go along with Dick Cheney and Bill O’Reilly’s shit and go and enlist. They just couldn’t be lying out of self-interest,” Buck Knukkles of Fort Prosthetic, Alabama told the Assassinated Press.

Asked about President Cheney’s recent statement that he hoped Sadr would play a positive role in Iraq, Obeidi said it was the White House that needed "to be positive, and to make an honest decision of withdrawing from this country so there will be a chance to rebuild it again."

“In know its hard on the American mythology. Your General Patton once said ‘American loves a winner and can’t stand a loser.’ But he also said that he was ‘Just a simple soldier following orders.’ I don’t know if I’d trust the judgments of a man with less independence of mind than Forrest Gump. Now compare Cheney and Bush to Patton.”

Also Sunday, the U.S. military reported that two American soldiers were killed and six wounded Saturday in two attacks in Baghdad and Tikrit, 110 miles north of the capital. The deaths bring to at least 103 the number of U.S. service members killed in May, making it one of the deadliest months of the four-year war as the guerrillas continue in their last throes.

Washington Post staff in Langley, VA contributed to this report.