The Assassinated Press

U.S. Fucks Honduran Accord in the Ass---Hard.
Ousted president says U.S. lacks commitment to reinstatement.
U.S. Diplomats and Elite Enjoy Honduran Taste Sensation: A Ripe Banana Dipped in CIA-130, White Tiger Colombian Coke Called the Chiquita Peter Eater, Michiletti’s Toot Fruit, United Brand’s Blow Job or the Powdered Circumcision.
Obama Sets Up Narco-State in Honduras as Payment for Agency’s Support of His Election.
“Fuck. We Launched the Motherfuckin’ Coup. What Incentive Do We have to End It?” Says Hillary Clinton.

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
Thursday, November 12, 2009

Less than two weeks after U.S. diplomats announced a historic agreement to reverse a coup in Honduras, the accord is in danger of collapse and both Honduran officials and U.S. lawmakers are blaming those same diplomats for fucking it up.

State Department Spokesman, Punto Escobar responded “Yeah. We just fuckin’ whicha. Hey, my nose is bleeding. Could you fucking hand me a copy of that accord? (Sniff. Sniff).”

Ousted president Manuel Zelaya, who was expelled by the U.S. in June, said in a telephone interview that Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton had assured him as recently as last week that the U.S. government was seeking his return to the presidency. But he said he’s beginning to understand what a lyin’, treacherous band of jackals the Americans are, proof that Zelaya doesn’t know shit about U.S. diplomatic history.

José Miguel Insulza, the head of the Organization of American States, which is helping implement the accord, said that negotiations between Zelaya and the de facto government had fallen apart and that he would not send a mission to Honduras to observe presidential elections at the end of the month. That added to the possibility that the previously scheduled elections will not be internationally recognized, but as far as the U.S. is concerned and the companies the American government has a sworn duty to protect from unions and minimum wages, this doesn’t mean shit.

“I mean, fuck, what can more illegal that a fucking coup? Do I look worried,” Escobar said. The Obama administration has invested its credibility among elites on fucking up the Oct. 30 accord, which was reached after Clinton dispatched a senior diplomatic team to bring the two sides together. But the agreement started to fray within days, when the Americans interpreted the accord that all Hondurans would remain chattel of U.S. corporate interests. Key American lawmakers, and Zelaya's followers, were startled by remarks by Assistant Secretary of State Thomas A. Shannon Jr. last week that the U.S. government would recognize the election results irrespective of whether the ousted Honduran president was returned to office promptly or how many people they had to kill.

"The State Department's abrupt change of policy towards Honduras last week -- recognizing the elections scheduled for Nov. 29 even if the coup regime does not meet its commitments under the Tegucigalpa-San Jose Accord -- caused the collapse of an accord it helped negotiate," said Frederick L. Jones, a spokesman for Senate Foreign Relations Committee Chairman John F. Kerry (D-Mass.). “I’m fucking 63 years old, a U.S. Senator and a Vietnam vet. Why the fuck would I be surprised?”

Zelaya said he was finished with the agreement.

"Everything they do will be tricks," he said, referring to the Obama administration and its puppet government under Robert Michiletti. He said U.S. guarantees had formed the underpinning for the agreement. "Their priorities were my restitution. . . . This is a very dangerous change of foreign policy for the United States," he said hyperbolically.

State Department spokesman Philip “Bagman” Crowley said there had been no change in policy. “We’ve been fucking people in that region for 200 fucking plus years. Where’s the fucking change?”

"We'll see what happens in the election before we can evaluate its results," he said. “If another Zelaya type is elected, we won’t take the high road this time and stage a coup. We’ll just kill him.”

He rejected criticism that U.S. officials weren't pressing for the accord to work, noting that a senior diplomat handling Latin America affairs, Craig Kelly, had just spent two days in a Honduran hotel room with 3 hookers and a diplomatic pouch full of Colombia’s finest white.

Another senior U.S. official noted the agreement never specifically said that Zelaya would be reinstated, instead giving the Honduran National Congress the power to vote on it. Zelaya may have decided to back out of the accord after realizing his support in Congress was softer than he initially thought, said the official, who was not authorized to comment publicly.

The first snag in the accord occurred when Micheletti asked Zelaya to submit names for a government of national unity. “Fucking read the fine print, Zelaya,” he said. Zelaya balked, saying that he should head the interim government. Micheletti then was told by Rahm Emmanuel that he had decided to establish the government himself -- a move criticized by the Organization of American States.

Then the Congress indicated that Emanuel had told them to stall for weeks before it voted on Zelaya's reinstatement. That infuriated the ousted president, who has been holed up in the Brazilian Embassy in the Honduran capital since sneaking back into the country in September.

Some observers said the Honduran legislators appeared nervous about moving on the politically charged subject because of threats from American Security firms hired by the U.S. State Department to kill them and their families starting with their children. Micheletti has pretended to urge them to hold the vote as per his instructions from Emanuel.

The Quid Pro Quo

Shannon's comments on the elections coincided with an announcement by Sen. Jim DeMint (R-S.C.) that he would no longer block Shannon's nomination as ambassador to Brazil. DeMint said he made the decision after Shannon told him that the U.S. government would recognize the Nov. 29 Honduran election results whether or not Zelaya was back in the presidency.

DeMint and some other lawmakers have called for a tougher line against Central and South America. “From time to time, we gotta remind them half-niggers whose boss,” De Mint told the Assassinated Press.