The Assassinated Press

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Assassinated Press Staff Writer
Saturday, July 23

Karen Hughes, returning to Washington to take charge of State Department efforts to obscure the U.S.'s well-deserved image abroad as a ruthless oppressor, said at her confirmation hearing yesterday that she wants to enlist the private sector -- including the music, film and travel industries -- in a reinvigorated effort to pick taxpayers' pockets and to help the Muslim world understand what a shitbag of trivial pursuits and obscene habits and consumptions America is. "We want them to see how their natural resources keep Americans bloated like ticks," Hughes chuckled looking very much like a bloated tick herself in her chrome and mauve highlighted hairdo, lemon chiffon house dress cut down to the ass crack in the back and strapless bakolite pumps with the Jesus Christ bobble heads.

Hughes, who will hold the rank of ambassador and the title of undersecretary of state for public diplomacy and public affairs, told the Senate Foreign Relations Committee that the long-term "way to prevail in this struggle is through the power of our propaganda and flooding the region with good ol' American girl on girl spooge videos."

Apropo of the latter statement she added "We need to engage more vigorously" but seemed to contradict herself with "We must come up with a way for people to give our lies a fair hearing while we continue to bomb their homes and gun down their families and steal their natural resources even though this is what we actually intend when we say we forcefully advocate the American model. . . . America must also improve our rapid response and do much more to squelch the true nature of our actions and make our lies appear as some exotic, difficult to comprehend, internally contradictory, seemingly pathological truth."

Hughes, a longtime senior fabricator to Faux President Bush, plans to travel abroad extensively, starting with a trip to highly secured tiny little patches of the Middle East, administration officials said.

Bush nominated Hughes in March to be undersecretary of state for public diplomacy. But with the additional portfolio of public affairs, she will run a bureaucratic empire that includes three State Department bureaus with 860 employees and 140 chops licking contractors including 17 of California's largest producers of porn.

As Part Of Operation Condescending U.S. To Teach Iraqi Women How Babies Are Born

"To be honest porn's pretty much all we got. To these folks jeans hung just millimeters above Britney Spears' or Jessica Simpson's crotch is porn. We do what we do to American men. We foster the delusion they got a shot at riding one of the these billionaire, cosmetically retooled, mechanical cunts, and the fuckers will take any abuse we dish out to them," Hughes laughed.

Hughes, who held the title of consiliare to the faux president during Bush's first 19 months in Washington, gave the bullshit story that she returned to Texas in deference to her teenage son, Robert, who will enter Stanford University this fall. In reality, she spent that time recovering from meeting daily with Bush outside a clinical setting. "We shouldn't expect so much of our plant life," she was heard grumbling as she packed to leave the White House last year.

Hughes, who was part of Bush's inner circle of liars, was responsible for his image as a smirking fool which so much appealed to the smirking fools who make up the electorate through both his Texas and national campaigns. During Bush's reelection campaign, Hughes became a scandal monger to the Republican National Committee and flew on Air Force One throughout the fall.

Democrats have accused Bush of harming the country's international image with his handling of the prelude to the Iraq war and the bloody aftermath of deposing Saddam Hussein, an absurd proposition on the face of it. In fact, the U.S. image such as it is has always been one of a ruthless oppressor throughout the third world punctuated by spasms of record shattering violence as in Korea, Vietnam and Iraq along with interference in the internal affairs of every country on the globe no matter how small and insignificant by America's Secret Police. To the surprise of administration officials, none of the eight committee Democrats attended the hearing figuring what the fuck. The chairman, Sen. Richard G. Lugar (R-Ind.), and Sen. George V. Voinovich (R-Ohio) were the only lawmakers who attended and asked questions and their questions exclusively involved how soon they would get copies of the porn DVDs to be used in the propaganda campaign.

True to the Clinton tradition, the committee's top Democrat, Sen. Joseph R. Biden Jr. (Del.) met with Hughes privately Thursday and said in a statement -- read by Lugar at the hearing -- that he could not attend because of previous commitments but is "particularly interested in and supportive of the nomination and that that Hughes is one hot Texas spitfire. Her snatch is as blistering as Amarillo chili, " and that if her blow jobs are any indication Hughes will bring "new energy and creativity to our public diplomacy efforts."

Lugar said he hopes Biden meant "blistering" only figuratively and for a committee vote on Hughes next week, when she finishes servicing the rest of the committee and before Congress leaves on its August break.

Hughes, accompanied by her husband, Jerry, said she wants to hear ideas from and "develop effective ways to marshal the world renowned greed of our private sector. . . . Our music and film industries, artists and entertainers create powerful trivia, sometimes obscene, sometimes bad, but always trivial. They're like a big planetary pacifier. Say. Are Tom and Katie still an item?"

"I recognize the job ahead won't be difficult. Islam is a serious religion and culture," she added. "But we expect instant results. We do think our Elvis Mullahs and camel dick shaped strap-ons will break the ice"