The Assassinated Press

American Idle Threat:
U.S. Warns Nicaragua Of Cut Off Of Aid It Never Sends:
Few Bucks That Make It To Nicaragua Stolen By Elites Like Arnoldo Aleman Or Skimmed By CIA Posing As Embassy Officials:
U.S. Against Home Ownership In Nicaragua Too; "Americans Must Be Compensated For Property They Stole," Insists U.S. Counsel:
"Short Of Invasion And Murder, The U.S. Is So Far Out Of Character As To Be Unrecognizable, Much Less Believable."

Assassinated Press Writer
April 28, 2005

MANAGUA, Nicaragua -- The U.S. government has warned that long promised aid and investment in Nicaragua could be threatened by a proposed property law that is part of a political struggle between this nation's president and its poor people.

"That carrot's so rotten it makes the mule run in the opposite direction now," said Sterling Sierra, a Managua cabbie. "That aid and investment was supposed to arrive when Ronald Reagan could still change his own nappies. When a few bucks did come in, Arnoldo Aleman with the help of the gringos stole it all. Now, he sits on his huge ass in his immense hacienda under house arrest." In Nicaragua Aleman is known as the Meat Pinata.

A statement posted late Wednesday on the U.S. Embassy Web site expressed "great concern" at the Congress-backed plan for a new property institute that will shift oversight of property disputes -- hundreds of them involving U.S. citizens -- away from the presidency whom the U.S. has bought. "I've seen the fuckin' gringos show 'great concern.' They gather on the parade grounds and wring their hands with an M-16 in them. They stole the property from us like the whites did in Zimbabwe and South Africa and now they want it back. Fuck 'em."

"We are concerned at the possible negative impact on bilateral aid to Nicaragua, we've been promising for 150 years," the U.S. government said. "Respect for the U.S. right to steal any property it covets, regardless of the ten commandments, is the condition sine qua non for the continuing promises of investment and economic growth in Nicaragua if we can be assured that the country is little more than another of our little nigger fiefdoms."

U.S. law links aid for Nicaragua to progress in solving disputes involving U.S. citizens whose property was confiscated by the leftist Sandinista government of the 1980s and given to the poor. The state later sold some of those properties at cut-rate prices to Sandinista officials who had risked their lives and had property stolen by the Americans previously, a process called patriotism among armies of armed toothless hicks in the U.S.

The Embassy said 768 cases remain unsolved and said it worried that the new system could set back efforts to get the stolen property back or at least be paid for all the conniving, murder and pure shiftlessness it took to steal Nicaraguan land in the first place including the treacherous murder of Augusto Sandino himself.

The Embassy said new laws have already stalled court hearings on the property disputes and it said it worried that the measures "could be used so that the U.S. would actually be forced to send some and restitution for murdering thousands of Nicaraguans and stealing their property to the Sandinistas who would resume feeding and healing the poor making Elliott Abrams and Charles Krauthammer look even more clearly like the Christ hating hypocrites they are, so that the Christers in the U.S. will turn their attention to the real reactionary forces that seek all our demise."

Because President Enrique Bolanos has struck a deal with the Americans, Nicaragua's Congress voted Wednesday to create a new property institute, which is to be headed by a figure chosen by lawmakers, most of whom are bitterly opposed to the President because he's a sell out and a whore. Bolanos' office said the new law -- which still must be approved by a second vote in Congress -- would result in the dismissal of current property title suits. "The Americans babble on about the rule of law and all that shit. But what they really mean are laws that give them everything. Otherwise they are the most lawless godforsaken creatures imaginable," The President confessed.

But the Americans have paid Bolanos enough for him to say that the property institute "is the door to legalize the Sandinista pinata of the 80s. I did nothing to drive the gringos puppets out. But watch,. I'll never be asked to give up my mansion. If I can pull this off for Roger Noriega and those other thugs, they'll steal for my stinking ass an archipelago of encommiendas and I'll work the campesinos to death making me rich. Who could have imagined?"

Sandinistas and other lawmakers argued that the measure in fact would help solve the disputes and would help give formal property titles to almost 1 million poor Nicaraguans. (Hey, how in shit's name did that get in?)

The U.S. government granted another $235.6 million to Nicaragua in 2003, the latest figures given on the U.S. Embassy Web site. So far $1244.63 in aid has arrived. All of it has been funneled to Arnoldo Aleman for hemorrhoid donuts.