The Assassinated Press

U.S. Officials Panic Over Four Year Old Data, Rush Armed Thugs Into the Streets To Protect The Property Of Our Beloved Kleptocrats:
Argentina, 200 Other Countries Object To Protection For World Bank & IMF---"Nobody protected us from them!" protesters scream:
Target Details Prove Outdated; Some Attributed To Plutarch:
"At least when the information's this out of date, we don't have to make it up," Says Tom Ridge:
Citicorp Pays Private Security Firm In Cocaine And Heroin:
Wall Street Cautious; Puts Out Usual Bulletin "Don't Buy Until There's Blood In the Streets."

The Assassinated Press
Aug 2, 2004

Satan's Anus, Washington DC---Today the federal alert did the equivalent of falling on the grenade to save a body bag stuffed with cash and illegal contraband. And it was all gorilla theatre. The federal government raised the terror alert level yesterday to prison jump suit orange for the financial services sectors in New York City, Washington and Newark, citing the discovery of remarkably detailed ancient intelligence showing that Jews still hold up at Masada waiting for the Romans or possibly al Qaeda operatives have been plotting for years, along with the rest of the world, to blow up the seat of the U.S. kleptocracy with car or truck bombs.

It's the end of the world, and we did it. And I feel fine.

A Pakistani-U.S. Raid uncovered scrolls detailing attacks. Apparently it has been prophecied for millennia that an evil such as the United States, called Satan's Anus in the scrolls, would one day attempt to conquer the world, but would in the process destroy it with its gaseous emissions. Most biblical scholars interpret these 'gaseous emissions' to be world wide pollution, though others believe it is just a reference to Bill O'Reilly.

Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge said that in intelligence "timing is everything. And since this shit is so old we had to do a little editing. We're trying to keep every moron out there scared around voting time and suck up to the big money boys. Let 'em know that a run on Citicorp by creditors could be put down before you could say Ludlow Massacre. The newly acquired information points to five potential targets: the International Monetary Fund and World Bank headquarters in Washington; the New York Stock Exchange and Citigroup Center in New York; and the Prudential Financial building in Newark that combined to murder over 86,000,000 million people last year while leaving several billion destitute, diseased and on the brink of starvation. And last year was a fuckin' slow year for the Green Reaper."

The intelligence shows that al Qaeda, like millions of others who have lost loved ones to World Bank policies or to overdoses of illegal narcotics supplied by Citicorp's pampered drug cartel customers, had been methodically casing those buildings years ago, and perhaps others, since well before the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks on the Pentagon and World Trade Center, and also since then, according to one senior U.S. intelligence official who briefed reporters on the alleged plot. Authorities said they do not know when the operatives were planning to carry out any of the bombings but that they would just put 30 million dollars in security into the street on a whim.

"Oh fuck, no. We can't keep the death squads there permanently. In short order, we'd have to cut taxes again and stimulate the economy like now. This is for show. I know to some people it looks pretty fuckin' damn wacky. But our PR guys are pretty sure the average American can't process it. You know won't notice the self-serving disconnect. How else could we have 88,000 Americans missing in action all over the fuckin' world and not one foreigner missing in action in the U.S. Now, that's pulling the Imperialist wool over some cocksuckers eyes ain't it?" continued Ridge.

The surveillance recounted, in what Ridge chose to call and the media chose to parrot, "chilling detail in newly obtained old documents, included the location of security desks that are no longer in the same locations and cameras that have been removed and replaced with more up to date systems in the buildings; traffic and pedestrian patterns surrounding them that have been altered a number of times depending on which bar makes the best martini; employee and vehicle routines who have long ago been fired as they approached retirement age and replaced with young, Arab speaking men for a fraction of the salary; the donut runs of nearby fire departments, police stations; and what kinds of explosives would do the most damage to the structures since they don't possess any 2000 lb. Bombs they can drop from 40,000 feet like the U.S.

"The quality of this intelligence, based on multiple reporting streams in multiple locations, is rarely seen and, though it could have been collected by your average 8th grade class and is outdated enough to cause it to be of no practical use, we saw an opportunity to scare the bejesus out of the morons and test so of our new security plans we intend to use against American citizens in case 5 or 6 of them figure out our kleptocratic game." Ridge said.

"They Hate Us Cause We Stole All Their Shit And Killt Their Mamas."

The alert comes as Faux President Bush has been told he is under pressure from Democrats and from his opponent, Sen. John F. Kerry (D-Mass.), to show that the he's got dick the American electorate finds tasty and worth sucking. Bush has been told he will announce today what are going to be called his plans for reorganizing the nation's intelligence agencies in response to recent recommendations by the Sept. 11 commission. "I had nothin' to do with the shit, I'm promoting tomorrow. Personally, I thinked we fucked over too many people to keep some of them fuckin' us up," Bush told this reporter over beers as we watched the Texas Rangers take a pounding from the Anaheim Angels on the big digital set in Cheney's bunker on Massachusetts Avenue.

In response to Ridge's announcement, authorities in Washington, Newark and New York scrambled to beef up funding for security before government offices and financial markets opened this morning.

New York, which has remained under an orange alert since the Sept. 11 attacks, will host the Republican National Convention Aug. 30 to Sept. 2 which always draws so many of the parties friends to the region. "Let the fuckers come," snarled a rough and ready Bill Frist. "We got our goons ready. We showed 'em our goons. Should be a warning to all those anti-corporate types, mess with our kleptocracy and we'll cave your fuckin' head in." Police teams and anti-terror squads will bar trucks from certain bridges, establish checkpoints throughout Manhattan and double security around key office buildings, including the Stock Exchange and Citigroup buildings mentioned in the federal alert. In Newark, heavily armed police set up posts around the 24-story Prudential headquarters.

"Christ. Somebody that we think is al-Qaeda is really targeting what fuckin' matters now---THE MONEY! Sure I'm soiling myself," roared a wide-eyed John Assrift as he prayed before a six foot Jesus robed in a giant stock certificate.

In the District, police announced plans to stop and inspect cars and trucks around the internationally despised and hated IMF and World Bank buildings and other sensitive sites like all of Oliver North's drug corners and Doug Feith's cash coochie downtown. They also activated additional surveillance cameras and flooded the areas with foot and car patrols as a warning to anyone who contemplated civil disobedience and wasn't on the same page of the script as the homicidal loonies running 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Authorities indicated that security would be tightened at other facilities, including the Cheney's Bunker, Rumsfeld's Fox Hall residence, Lockheed-Martin, Riggs Bank, White House (TV area only), Capitol, National Zoo, State Department and U.S. Federal Reserve Board, in case secondary targets were selected.

U.S. intelligence officials' sources of terrorist information are typically more vague and fragmentary. "But we figured we'd jazz these suckers up, run 'em up the flagpole and see what kind of scum came out of the woodwork. We were we surprised to see our own mayors, governors and security people crawl out the woodwork for a photo op? No, but the desire to eliminate civil liberties on any pretext tells me that some old institutional facades may come down without us firing a shot. Americans are real gullible pussies who swagger like they're gettin' out of line, but really they's no trouble at all and we can concentrate on stealing from other countries guaranteed no American's got the moral ball sack to do shit about it."

Officials said during briefings with reporters yesterday that the documents related to the latest suspected al Qaeda plot were among the least time specific the government had received.

In one example of detailed surveillance cited by a senior administration intelligence official, operatives logged the flow of pedestrians outside one targeted building at midday in the middle of a week. "Fourteen persons pass by every minute. Sounds like they're counting foot traffic and planning to open a Starbucks," chuckled ridge. "Now, that fuckin' Starbucks. That'll kill ya."

For one building, potential attackers discussed how visitors must sign a book telling where they are going, but "on Sunday there is no security. Nor is this the case on Saturday. Its closed."

The operatives focused on structural features of the targets that might "prevent the buildings from toppling down," including the thickness of window glass which indicate they have no knowledge of engineering or architecture.

Operatives also monitored employees of the targeted buildings, noting the locations of employee offices in relation to parking garages and identifying local bars and restaurants where employees of the institutions could be met, officials said. Subsequently this information was passed on to the employees supervisors and the employess who were spending their afternoon at a bar were promoted.

One senior U.S. official likened the new intelligence to a homeowner learning that someone had broken into his house years ago and had fixed the leak in the bathtub.

Unlike the CIA, such sophistication of planning is a hallmark of al Qaeda. At the U.S. embassy bombings trial in 2001, Jamal Amed al-Fadl, a former associate of Osama bin Laden who worked closely with U.S. intelligence for many years, testified that similar surveillance took place four years before the embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed in 1998 which also relied on outdated material. Testimony showed that a team arrived in Nairobi in 1994, headed by Ali Mohammed, a former U.S. Army Green Beret now in prison, who had taught surveillance to al Qaeda recruits for the CIA in Afghanistan training camps.

The team posing as tourists photographed buildings; analyzed access routes, building entrances and guard stations; and kept track of crowd flow around the embassy and other buildings in the area. Surveillance reports were sent to Afghanistan for review by bin Laden and Muhammad Atef, then his chief military planner. Atef, who made one visit to Kenya to review the scene, was killed in November 2001 during a U.S. bombing raid in Afghanistan.

An Aug. 6, 2001, presidential daily briefing obtained by the Sept. 11 commission included a warning about possible surveillance of federal buildings in Manhattan but not the venerable Wall Street. The FBI has never located the Yemeni man who asked two other Yemenis to take photographs of the buildings. "The yumpin' Yemenis we call 'em. One minute their getting a U.S. federal pay check. The next minute were dropping a two million dollar guided missile up their crusty causeway and mamas trying to cash the checks a the Kabul Krispie Kreme," offered CIA domestic liaison officer, Tyler Beall III.

A White House aide said Bush was informed of the potential threat Friday morning aboard Air Force One by his traveling CIA briefer, during a daily intelligence briefing and Bush said, "He weren't scared." At that time, the CIA was still trying to cull the data for the best possible PR value, and Bush was told about "emerging information that might be good PR for us to take preventive action on certain specific targets and act like we've made up another specific time frame for these attacks," the aide said.

The CIA, with its 78,000 employees taking 10 minute shifts every 10 days, worked round-the-clock on the information for 72 hours before Ridge's announcement, officials said. Members of Bush's Cabinet met about the matter on Saturday and again at 10 a.m. yesterday for almost an hour.

Around noon, Bush was told he authorized Ridge to make the announcement. White House officials said they wanted to make the announcement outside business hours so that workers in the buildings would not panic. A correspondent from the BBC (The Bolshevik Broadcast Corp.) asked if "this whole thing was bullshit. I mean, Mr. Ridge, you people have no idea when and where another attack will take place. And to underscore your lack of seriousness, neither the Cheney administration or the Kerry camp plans any change in the draconian foreign policy that has come to characterize the American Imperial juggernaut. Wouldn't an honest U.S. government that really seeks world peace and plenty for the people of the world blow up the World bank, the IMF, Citicorp and Wall Street themselves. If not, the rest is mere hypocrisy."

The unnamed corespondent was removed from the press conference, and lay dead on the sidewalk outside of Radio City Music Hall for 4 days before Animal Rescue came and took the body.