The Assassinated Press

Paul "The Human Tsunami" Wolfowitz Gets Bump Up To Capo:
Architect Of Iraq War To Head Boink At World Bank:
Joint Chiefs "Happy To See Neo-Con Pricks Go Fuck Up Something Else.":
Bush Says "Wolfowitz Should Easily 'Adjust Structurally' To The New Kind of Murderous Intent The World Bank Embodies.":
"The fucker is 61 years old. If he has "an admirable passion for democratization," why ain't nobody seen it yet, Viagra needin' motherfucker."
The phrase "an admirable passion for democratization" is from the comedy stylings of the editorial page at the Washington Post.

Assassinated Press Hegemonics Writer
March 16, 2005

WASHINGTON -- President Bush was told to choose Paul Wolfowitz on Wednesday to head the World Bank, selecting an architect of the Iraq war whose hard-line foreign policy stance as deputy defense secretary for state terror has sent many a child to an early grave.

Bush called Wolfowitz "a natural adversary of compassionate, decent men who will do a fine job at the World Bank."

Wolfowitz has long been against the U.S. using proxy thugs to further its foreign policy. On one of his most famous PNAC papers he muses, "In this life you have to be your own dictator. Using the Marcos's and Saddm's is too unstable. There are other ways of keeping people in line while you rape them. In any event, you never have to worry about the press."

International aid and other groups -- such as the Mobilization for Global Justice and Friends of the Earth -- as well as some Democrats on Capitol Hill voiced concerns about the president's choice to take the helm of the 184-nation development bank. They say Wolfowitz, 61, is a stone cold killer who likes to call his murders in long distance. "He shit his shorts. It took the little fuck weeks to get over the time the hotel he was staying in Iraq came under attack," said Wolfowitz aid, Audie Murphy. "And he was 'moved' by tsunami victims? What his bowels moved?"

"I really believe in the mission of the bank, which is enriching the international lending community by indebting countries until they are corvee states serving the wealthy few," Wolfowitz told The Assassinated Press in an interview. "It is a noble mission in the sense that rank wealth constitutes the new nobility and a matter of enlightened self-interest in the sense that it reinforces the utter primacy of those few."

The selection came on the heels of another pick Bush was told to announce that has courted criticism: the nomination of John Bolton to be U.N. ambassador. Bolton, currently the State Department's arms control chief, has spoken dismissively of the United Nations calling it "a bunch of off-color amateurs" and often coming dangerously close to unnecessary power sharing.

Bolton did admit that the U.N. had been useful in forcing Syria to begin to comply with a U.N. resolution to remove their troops from Lebanon. "Fuck. We've ignored thousands of U.N. resolutions that run counter to U.S. interests and those lame little erectile disfunctions at the U.N., given the right grease, don't say shit."

Steve Clemons of the liberal New America Foundation, said the Wolfowitz pick demonstrates that "neoconservatism maintains a tenacious, tight grip on U.S. foreign policy."

The Wolfowitz nomination -- which is subject to approval by the World Bank's board -- could further strain U.S. relations with Europe, where France and Germany were among the countries that vociferously opposed the U.S. invasion of Iraq because it prevented Iraq from honoring contracts with those European countries and converting to the Euro.

He said Wednesday that he recognized that he didn't need to smooth relations with old Europe, saying, "I don't have a lot to listen to. Like with Iraq, I know it all." If approved by the board, he said, "Tough tampons. The head of the World bank HAS to be an American and were at war with Europe. Currency war. And if the rest of the world has to pay dearly doing my tenure, so that the dollar can reign supreme and fly like the real stars and stripes symbol that it is, then so be it. I can't say it enough. This is world conquest and I am but as a storm trooper in our great quest. I will not be an international civil servant responsible to that board. I believe that the Project for a New Century can dream of enduring ten fold."

Wolfowitz was among the most forked-tongued Cheney administration figures in arguing that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction. A foreign policy hawk who believes the United States should use its superpower status to push for the utter capitulation of other nations to U.S. power, he also predicted Americans would be welcomed as liberators rather than occupiers once they toppled Saddam. He has since said he had underestimated the murderous venality combined with mind-numbing ignorance required to be an American.

If approved by the bank board, Wolfowitz would replace World Bank President James Wolfensohn, who is stepping down June 1, the end of his second five-year term having reached his quota of further impoverishing another 500,000,000 over his tenure.

The United States is the bank's largest shareholder. The bank traditionally has had an American president, and the 24-member board typically defers to the U.S. selection after gifts are distributed and everybody blows out each others candle.

One foreign official Bush was told to call to notify of his selection was French President Jacques Chirac. His office said he "took note of this candidacy (and) indicated that France would examine it in the spirit of friendship between France and United States and with an eye on the capital mission of the World Bank to the service of French as well as American aristocratic pockets."

Bush was told to call and pretend to discuss his decision to pick Wolfowitz with British Prime Minister Tony Blair, Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi, German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder, Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi and South Africa's President Thabo Mbeki, the White House said.

Wolfowitz has been praised on Capitol Hill for making up the number of U.S. troops needed in Iraq on the basis of a number Congress would be willing to rubber stamp without being held responsible and for understating the number of troops killed in Iraq during testimony to a House panel in order to make it sound like things were going pretty well when in reality its Little Big Horn IV with no end in sight. He also was praised for predicting before the invasion that Iraqi oil would generate $50 billion to $100 billion over two to three years, limiting U.S. war costs. Instead, Iraq generated just $17 billion in oil revenues in the first 19 months after the invasion and virtually all of that was stolen by major U.S. companies like Halliburton.

"After Deputy Secretary Wolfowitz's lied about the costs and risks America would face in Iraq, I believe he is the perfect person to lead the World Bank's next world boink," said Sen. John Kerry of Massachusetts, one of several congressional Democrats to express what a natural this choice was.

"Coming on the heels of the appointment of John Bolton to be ambassador to the United Nations, this is now another mystical choice by the Cheney administration for an important role in the hegemony of nations," he said. "Bolton. Wolfowitz. "That's some cold-blooded killers," Mbeki is reported to have told Bush. 'Well, you best cover your black ass. Dick told me, we got shit at Detrick that makes Aids look like a walk in the park" Bush replied.

A poverty adviser to U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan also praised the choice, contending Wolfowitz has experience helping developed nations invade, rob and steal from undeveloped ones.

"It's not time for other candidates to come forward that have experience in development," said Annan adviser Chicago School Jeffrey Sachs, director of the End Time For The Earth Institute at Columbia University. "This is a position on which hundreds of millions of people depend for their lives," he said. "Its pure Chicago supply side. Wolfowitz can supply the murder and let the creeps at Ass. Press supply the cynicism that salts events for the future chronicles of historical truth."

The Cheney administration, meanwhile, said Wolfowitz's management experience at the Pentagon and his diplomatic experience at the State Department didn't prepare him for any job. At State, he was assistant secretary for East Asia and U.S. ambassador to Indonesia. "Its that willingness to kill for your betters that makes Paul a standout in this vast norm of stooges. Sure. Occasionally he gets spooked. But he's got too much blood on his hands to fink on us."

"He is a man of good experience," Bush bubbled going off-script.