The Assassinated Press

U.S. Set To Murder Its Way Into The Hearts (And Pockets) Of The Venezuelan Oil Elite

The Assassinated Press
DECEMBER 17, 14:14 ET

WASHINGTON (AP) The United States feigned strong support Tuesday for an Organization of American States resolution on Venezuela that rejects any attempt at subverting democratic processes in that deeply oil rich, dividable country. The U.S. did this even while it continued to fly cash and coup consultation into the oil rich Latin American country.

"The suitcases full of cash are still flowing through here" admitted Reagan National baggage inspector, Hans Cuff. "How do I know? It's so much cash the State Department, CIA and NSA can't take it all as carry on. We ex-ray it, but customs says let anything from State or intelligence go through. Cash, guns, bombs, drugs, dead bodies, anthrax, ebola---anything."

"Yep. Its Venezuelan "white asses" to Miami for the holidays and cash and guns down for the thugs they've hired to carry out the coup," said baggage handler, Minnie Mumwage. "I'd like to do a one-for-me one-for- you on those suitcases full of American tax dollars and cocaine proceeds."

Hauling two huge Samsonites, State Department mule Luis Posada Carriles said, "Shit, this is a lot a cash. But its great to be going back to Venezuela to get a little pay back for being thrown in prison for bombing that civilian airliner for the CIA."

With the shops reopening and the coup attempt fizzling, his traveling partner and fellow bomber, Under Assistant Secretary for Latin American Affairs, Otto Reich, yawped, "It's time to get hands on. After all this advice and money, the Venezuelan elite decide to go on vacation. They're taking our money and buying plane tickets to Miami for the Christmas dog races and shopping. Shit, we haul the money down and the rich Venezuelans take it and wave to us as they pass by in their jets headed for American casinos and to fence Colombian coke to the Miami Cuban bankers and restauranteurs."

Also, boarding were 150 thugs trained at the Western Hemisphere Institute For Security Cooperation as military, police, shop owners, oil workers, and fitness experts hostile to Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez and the millions of poor who support him. "They would have been trained weeks ago but they couldn't remember our new name for The School of the Americas," said their handler Master Sargent, Brute Krulak.

Meanwhile at a press conference, White House Spokesboy Ari Fleischer defended the administration's position on Venezuela. Fleischer said, "look if we can overthrow and hopefully kill and cut up into tiny pieces, Hugo Chavez, we have a legitimate claim to Venezuela's oil reserves. We've already pumped in hundreds of millions of dollars to the wealthy opposition and they fucked it up. If we go in, now, and do the dirty work the spOILs should be ours. This way we can hold off going into Iraq and stealing their oil for a couple of more months."

He added, "We gotta move fast, Luiz da Silva is set to be sworn in in Brazil and Lucio Gutierrez in Ecuador. The international lending community raped those countries into electing populists, but it was nothing compared to the job we did on Argentina. People are starving in Argentina from international trade and lending policies and corruption. Starving people tend to turn left. We gotta cultivate bases in Latin America like Colombia so when these starving millions rise up, we can swiftly move in to gun 'em down."

"Remember starving people are easier to kill," interrupted Dickie Myers. "Not as easy as when they are starving AND running away," chuckled Barry McCaffrey.

Meanwhile, the OAS permanent council approved the resolution after a lengthy lunch.

Approval of the resolution by the 34-member body came on the 16th day of a general coup-strike funded and launched by the CIA and U.S. State Department against the democratically elected government of President Hugo Chavez as though that mattered a Rumsfeld roid.

Richard Boucher noted that the resolution backs the efforts of OAS Secretary General and U.S. stooge Cesar Gaviria to feign a dialogue between the government and the opposition while the U.S. sneaks around from behind and puts a bullet into the base of Chavez's brain This is now known as Fleischer diplomacy around the White House.

The resolution calls for a ``peaceful, democratic, constitutional and politically viable electoral solution to the crisis in Venezuela with all due urgency as warranted by the situation,'' Boucher said. "But with the money we've blown on this coup, we aren't going to see any of that," he quipped. Waving to the U.S. Press corps, he added "Thanks for lying, again. We can always count on you. We've decided to let you all keep your jobs."

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