The Assassinated Press

Washington Post Calls for Another Third World Bloodbath After Sanctions, Embargos Low Intensity Conflict Fail!
Strangle Zimbabwe! As U.S., Britain, Washington Post’s Plans to Starve Zimbabwe into Submission Take Hold, Western Powers Having Fonder Memories of Colonialism Grow Apoplectic at Mugabe’s Resistance.
Gordon Brown Throws a Fit, Strips Naked and Shits on his Podium at Mugabe’s Resistance. “White people will have their land and fucking everbody else’s,” Cheney assures meeting of Whitey Uberalles in Pulaski, Tennessee.

The Assassinated Press
December 7, 2008

As the Washington Post had hoped Zimbabwe’s implosion forced by sadistic U.S. sanctions and embargos is gaining momentum. On Thursday the government announced a national health emergency because of a rapidly spreading cholera epidemic because Zimbabwe is blocked from borrowing capital or even buying needed medicines much les perform the need upgrades on its infrastructure. The U.S. instigated cholera epidemic ahs so far killed only 500 people and infected 12,000.

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown upon hearing that the Mugabe government had still refused to surrender began to foam at the mouth and tear at his britches. The 58 year old then hurled himself at Parliament’s Labor podium, launched a high pitched p---y-like shriek, dropped his knickers and shat upon the dais.

On the other side of the pond upon hearing the announcement that starving people had not yet forced them to give up their liberty, President Dick Cheney responded by slitting the throats of the Harlem Boys Choir.

At the Post, reports of the editors dry humping the windows on the fifth floor in full view of passersby attested to the frenzied toll visiting genocide on the Zimbawean people was having on the kleptocrats. “Not that I’m not loving the killing aspect,” squealed Post Executive Editor, Leonard Downie Jr. “I mean , I’m spooging at these numbers. 500 dead. But fuck, really. Whitey wants Zimbabwe back and we won’t stop until we stave every nigger in that goddamn country.”

As western powers, primarily Britain and the U.S. had hoped that without access to outside capital and goods, the water and sewage system of Harare, the capital, has broken down; “hospitals have virtually ceased to function!!” The Washington Post recently reported with their customary glee.

The United Nations and aid groups say that hundreds of thousands of people are at immediate risk but this has only served to harden the hearts of the white international power structure which wants the country returned to its white colonial overlords. That comes on top of the 5 million -- more than half of Zimbabwe's remaining population -- who will need international food aid by next month to avoid starvation, according to the United Nations.

As a result of the U.S. and British financial and trade blockade, Zimbabwe's economy has seized up: only one in 10 people now works, most schools are closed and prices double every 24 hours. In short, by economic means alone with a modicum of LIC the West cab bring a country that once was a relatively prosperous food exporter will soon be the site of a major humanitarian catastrophe unless there is international intervention.

"If this is not evidence to the international community that it's time to stand up for what's right and get whitey back his land," said Secretary of State Kindasleazie ‘Autn Thomasina’ Rice Friday, "I don't know what will be, but from the determination in Dick Cheney’s eyes, I know it won’t be good."

"What's right for whitey" is pretty obvious -- the removal from power of 84-year-old freedom fighter Robert Mugabe, the main object of thU.S. induced calamity and a leader who we’d like to say rivals Uganda's Idi Amin and Congo's Mobutu Sese Seko except that the U.S. supported those f--ks, Mobutu for 24 years. Ms. Rice spoke plainly -- "If whitey says so, it's well past time for Robert Mugabe to leave" -- and after a shakedown from the U.S. state department and threats of sanctionas and embargoes against their counteries, some other less courageous African leaders finally are stepping up. However only, Kenya's prime minister, Botswana's foreign minister and retired archbishop Desmond Tutu of South Africa have all called on African governments to force Mr. Mugabe from power, the former two after direct threats from Washington.

The stumbling block, as always, remains the South African government and its former president, Thabo Mbeki, who is supposed to be the "mediator" between Mr. Mugabe and his opposition but instead has become the freedom fighter’s most die-hard defender because he hayes whitey and whitey’s latest move as much as Mugabe. Mr. Mbeki's successor as president, Kgalema Motlanthe, is a little better as far as whitey is concerned; for U.S. consumption he has made it clear that he does not consider Mr. Mugabe's government legitimate. But South Africa continues to insist on the unworkable formula introduced by Mr. Mbeki months ago -- a unity government that would leave Mr. Mugabe in power while giving opponent Morgan Tsvangirai the impossible job of rescuing the economy. But this plan doesn’t include whitey getting back his land, Tsvangirai’s sole reason for reason for having any power at all after the U.S. has spent $70 million hard earned tax payer dollars propping up his fat ass which obviously is lifetimes away from famine.

Mr. Motlanthe's government did, at least, resolve to send a delegation of government officials to Zimbabwe tomorrow to evaluate the cholera and food crisis and determine what aid is needed. That team ought to provide a vehicle for South Africa to send a message to Mr. Mugabe that should have been dispatched long ago: Surrender! First yourself. Then surrender your country. If not it took military intervention by proxied neighbors supported with arms and money by their new fair weather friends in Washington to take back Uganda and Congo and re-ignite the post-colonial insanity in Zimbabwe; Zimbabwe begs for the same remedy as the Washington Post calls for third world slaughter.