The Assassinated Press

At Gala Affair U.S. Media Declares It Will Step Up Malicious Attacks On World's Poor:
Rumsfeld Reveals U.S. Trying To Steer U.N. Inspectors Away From U.S. Supplied WMD To Iraq

The Assassinated Press

Washington DC AP. In a huge rally to honor the U.S.'s time honored tradition of overthrowing democratically elected governments, the cream of American journalism gathered in black tie and gowns at the mecca of media vanity, the Newseum here in Washington DC to hear keynote speaker, Secretary of Defense, Don 'The Don' Rumsfeld.

The ever charming Rumsfeld declared, "From democratically elected governments like those in place in Haiti and Venezuela to autocratic governments like Iraq, our job is to make them our economic and policy proxies and to force them turn over their wealth, at gun point if necessary. We encourage those in the U.S. media to keep up the malicious attacks on those democratically elected leaders who would seek to raise the poor out of poverty at our expense.

I urge you on in your vicious propaganda campaigns. I often remember fondly Lyndon Johnson's sage words to the Greek ambassador to the US in 1965. Johnson told the hesitant Greek 'Fuck your parliament and your constitution. The US is an elephant. Cyprus is a flea. Greece is a flea. If these two fellows continue itching the elephant they may just get whacked by the elephant's trunk, whacked good.'

And, of course, we put the Greek Generals into power ushering in seven years of quite profitable murder in that most ancient of democracies.

What's more because of you diligence as journalists not one in 100,000 Americans knows of all the murder and theft that went on in Greece at that time in their name. Such is our free press and, so called, open society. If we've been able, for all intents and purposes, to hide our crimes in plain view, can you imagine what devastation we have committed in the name of the U.S. that will never see the light of day. "

In perhaps the speeches most telling moment, Rumsfeld whispered to the crowd of reporters, "I know you folks can keep a secret. You know our report to the U.N. detailing our intelligence on Iraqi Weapons of Mass Destruction. Not unlike your reporting, it's very, very selective. It's selective because we have to make sure that the U.N. does not discover any of the WMD that we, the U.S., supplied to Saddam over a period of many years. We've been working with the Iraqis to help them conceal our complicity in their gassing of the Kurds and Iranians for example.

Nobody hides murder and illegality like us. And the blueprint we have supplied the U.N. inspectors is designed to produce a wild goose chase. Saddam hopes by again cooperating with us, we will spare his regime. But checkmate. He's damned if we do find the weapons cause we would have to destroy him Noriega style because he knows too much. And damned if he don't because our lust for his oil is just too great."

In unison the gathered journalists mimed sealing their lips and throwing away the key.

After the speech, Diane Sawyer described the Secretary as "affable" and "charming." Ted Koppell added, "I'm proud to call Don Rumsfeld my friend. He and Dr. Kissinger and I plan to have lunch next week to plot our strategy for the new 9-11 commission."

Asked if this represented a conflict of journalistic interest, Koppell replied, "I'm insulted by the inference. As I've said publically, I always hold public officials' feet to the fire. But you might have noticed that it's a cozy little fire and I bring them their slippers in my mouth like the good little lap dog that I am."

When the same question was posed to Dan Rather, the CBS anchor shot back, "Conflict! What conflict? Don and I both live in lavish homes. We both have servants. We have summer houses and expensive cars when we're not chauffeured. We sit on some of the same boards and endowments. We both have huge stock portfolios and belong to the same country clubs. Where's the conflict?"

Barbara Walters put it more succinctly. "How the fuck do you expect me to identify with some displaced Haitian farmer who now makes my maid's underwear at 12 cents an hour, not to mention the utterly dispossessed and unemployed. I'm going to identify with Don, a guy who even as we speak is involved in a policy to overthrow the elected government of Haiti, and if the beggars get in his way has the power to kill them without a blink. Christ! It makes me cream just thinking about it!"

When asked if she had any advice for ordinary Americans, Walters snapped back, "Yeah. Keep consumimg. Otherwise you're of no use to us. Oh, yes. And keep dropping out of school and joining the military. We in the media, TV and Hollywood especially, will continue to make fodder seem fashionable. And don't forget. We are better than you."

At that moment Bill O'Reilly jumped in. "If people want to kill other people and, in the process, die to enable me to maintain my standard of living, who am I to say no. America is truly a great country---for me."

"You gotta admit. It's pretty slick,"gushed Rush Limbaugh. "My listeners can look at a homeless person through the prism of my bullshit and think, 'That guy has too much and I have too little.' Or see some dirt yard with supposed Al-Qaida recruits training and think 'America is the underdog.' That shit doesn't happen by chance. You need a very sophisticated propaganda network to pull that off. And we are the best. And rewarded handsomely for it, I might add."

Rumsfeld was beaming as he worked the swarm of journalists. "I love 'em. We assassinated our second Minnesota legislator in consecutive elections. We took a credible shot at the murder of two U.S. Senators using WMD. We've looted the treasury again. We let 3000 Americans die while we were seeking ways to enrich ourselves. We're in the process of overthrowing several democratically elected governments in order to be in a position to steal even more of their natural resources and exploit their labor. We stole the American people's pensions with one hand while we denied them what few civil and constitutional rights they had left with the other. We've appointed murderers, thieves, bigots and liars to every post imaginable. We put ourselves in a position to pardon ourselves for our crimes. We plan to invade Iraq for its oil while farcically trying to concoct another excuse. In what's becoming a near constant state of affairs, we bombed another defenseless country. And to top it off, we are finally in the implementation stage of a plan for world domination that will plunge the globe into a miasma of endless warfare and result in the deaths of millions of people well beyond the millions murdered using the old Standard Model of U.S. foreign policy. And the press is right there with its hand out and its mouth shut. You gotta to love it."

Christiane Amanpour was heard to squeal, "Oh! Donny Rumsfeld. He's not only 'the most ruthless,' but the sexiest , man on earth!"

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