The Assassinated Press

If It’s Good Enough For the Sunnis, Its Good Enough For Our Kids.
Administration’s Iraq Solution Would Work in American Schools.
Second Amendment Right Finds Its Confirmation in Iraq.

The Assassinated Press

Columbine, Northern Illinois University, Virginia Tech, Kent State---with school shootings now occurring virtually every day, its time for Americans to do the only right and reasonable thing---every student and faculty member should be required to carry a weapon and know how to use it with deadly force.

We have a model for the success of this approach in our recent surge in Iraq. Much of the success of the so-called surge is attributed to the 30,000 extra troops deployed in Iraq that have allowed U.S. forces to establish a permanent presence in parts of the country which they have taken by force.

But in reality, among the military, pundits and scholars the success of the surge lies elsewhere in the arming and paying of the formerly dispossessed Sunnis.

This is relevant to the argument to turn schools into armed camps. The success of the program to arm Sunni men, many of whom are former Baathist party members and paying them at least $300.00 a month to help the Americans root out al-Qaeda in Iraq can translate to our schools.

Leaving aside the sexist nature of the Sunni program and the hard cold fact that $300.00 isn’t even weed money on today’s campus, the newly armed Sunnis are not only now able to better defend themselves but on occasion have taken the fight to al-Qaeda in Iraq.

The Cheney administration, the Pentagon and the media are all abuzz concerning the sea change in violence in Iraq. The administration’s program is seen as an unqualified success.

Yet, with gun control proponents on the ropes not one Second Amendment congressman or senator has seen fit to put forth a proposal that would mandate arming the school system.

The advantages are obvious:

1) A well-armed and well –trained student body could be called upon to stamp out student protests. Since the armed repressive force, except for commuting students, would be right there on campus, transportation costs would be low.

“Silencing the “Nattering Nabobs of Negativism”

This would also relieve the National Guard from the duty of killing uppity students and allow them to resume their deployment to Iraq to kill protesting Iraqis. Further, given the armed student militia can more easily identify their colleagues and friends among rebellious students and faculty, especially at smaller more intimate colleges, they would become an indispensable asset turning in their fellows to the FBI and Homeland Security.

2) Sectarian violence among different student organizations could be settled in a series of quick gun battles in areas set aside for such conflict resolution. Recently, the Christian Soldiers ROTC program at Oral Roberts University quickly and cleanly settled a long standing dispute with the university’s marching band over who had access to the parade grounds on Thursday afternoons. After burying the bodies in a mass grave behind the My Lai School for Asian Studies, the university simply told parents that the dead students, which included the entire tuba section, were ‘Raptured.’

What Happens at Tech, Stays at Tech

3) With guns on campus, many personal disputes over beer money, roach rights, drug deals, grade disputes with teachers or love triangles could be settled quickly and cleanly on campus, there vast numbers quickly diminishing interest among the media and the public as they became old hat.

4) The student militia could also assist local law enforcement in tracking down and serving warrants to derelict dads and in the process learn how to be a model citizen and responsible parent. With numbers so huge, they could also monitor sexual deviants and collect information on their fellow citizens to make law enforcements job easier in time of national emergency like a constitutional or bloody coup.

Teaching the Three Belts---Gun, Chastity and Bible

5) Counseling for depression and anxiety would include training in the proper handling of firearms to build the students confidence as well as abstinence pledges and mandatory bible instruction.

“Everybody Dreams of Being a Hero”

“We’ve gamed this and arming the student body to the teeth is the best way to reach Nash’s equilibrium. Or is it zero sum? Prisoner’s Dilemma?” mulled MIT professor Mobley Hugamubba. “Anyway, everybody dreams of being a hero. Even mathematicians. I’m packin’.”

No child no matter how young should be left unarmed. Can you imagine the thrill a young 6 year old Johnny or Janey will experience when they bag some deviant in the school yard and see their face splashed all over the front page of the New York Post.