The Assassinated Press

CIA Office Pool: Who Will Fall First, Chavez or Aristide:
Wolfowitz Hints 'Regime Change' In Turkey Might Be Cheapest Route To Baghdad Oil:
Rumsfeld Cackles, "Who Gives a Fuck If The World Hates Us?"

Sept.12, 2003
c. The Assassinated Press

Langley, VA (AP) Agents and analysts are working overtime in the Latin American and Caribbean sections of the CIA. The Agency is in the fevered process of trying to overthrow at least 2 elected governments in the Western Hemisphere simultaneously, the Venezuelan government of Hugo Chavez and the Haitian government of Jean-Bertrand Aristide.

So to relieve some of the tension around the office, CIA analysts have started a pool. Which government will the CIA topple first, Chavez's or Aristide's? There are also side bets available on whether U.S. agents can kill either leader in the coup and whether hundreds or, perhaps, thousands of the supporters and other citizens will be murdered by well-paid CIA proxies.

"It makes the day go faster. Planning the overthrow of democratically elected governments gets to be a bore after you've done it as many times as we have at the CIA," chirped Ivy League head of College Scholarships for the children of U.S. proxies who murder over 1000 of their own people. "You murder 10,000 and your kid gets to go to Harvard for free," chirped League.

Her boss, Winston 'Drug' Lord added, "I think the Haitian contingent, though smaller in numbers, has the edge. They have the experience. They overthrew Aristide once before. I mean the Venezuelan boys, knocked over Chavez for a weekend. But that hardly counts."

But the CIA Haitian coup team doesn't see it that way. "Sure, 184 years of brutal U.S. policy and occupation has made sure that Haiti's a much poorer country but the elite that needs to be bribed in larger, oil rich Venezuela is also very small. 80% of Venezuelans live in poverty. And the Venezuelan 'Oiligarchy' has done a pretty good job of taking the money the Venezuelan CIA team has given them and paying people to get into the streets. Chavez can't buy 'popular' support like we can. He has to earn it by feeding people and providing health care and jobs. We're here to make sure he can't do that."

When I asked CIA Director, George Tenet, he replied, "No brainer. Haiti ain't got no oil."

I asked if agents in the special operative's division could be in the pool. "Fuck No," said Dwayne 'The Dog' Dewey Clarridge. "For a few thousand bucks a guy in ops can make his pick come true. We stopped letting ops in on the pools with the Trujillos assassination. Where the fuck have you been?"

Meanwhile, Deputy Defense Secretary Paul D. Wolfowitz, while maintaining a brave face about Turkey's support for an invasion of Iraq, privately said Turkish President Erdogan's price was too high. "It's not so much that we don't have the billions Erdogan and his cronies want, " said Wolfofowitz. "It's just that it doesn't leave enough left over for all of the generals and elected officials on the take in Turkey.

On the popular Ankara talk show, Let's Talk Turkey, Wolfowitz warned the Turkish people that if their elites could not reach an agreement with U.S. elites, the U.S. would be forced to come in and wipe out a couple of million of them. Asked about this, Abdul Byele, a street vendor said. "We are a parliamentary democracy therefore, as in the U.S., the average person has no say. The fact that the U.S. has a long history of eating her young, e.g. destroying democracies that truly try to function as democracies makes me a little uneasy." Asked about Donald Rumsfeld, the man whom Henry Kissinger called "the most ruthless man he had ever met," Abdul snapped back, "Fuck Don Rumsfeld."

Wolfowitz said, "I keep telling them, let us get our hands on Iraq's oil first and then maybe we can kick some more cash your way. But they don't trust us. They want the money up front. All the campaign money that goes to quid pro quos in the U.S. doesn't help either. They see these billions exchanging hands and they want western style backsheesh, in western portions. We might want to think about occupying Ankara militarily as the most economical route to Iraqi oil."

Meanwhile, a poll done by the Pew Research Center showed that 98% of the world's people despise Americaand refer to it in casual conversation as Satan's Anus. After that shocking result, the poll, under the aegis of former secretary of state, Madeline K. Albright, was redone to include only foreign nationals that had contributed to U.S. elections or who had a net worth of more than $10,000,000. Still this new poll showed an overwhelming distaste for the U.S. coupled with the desire to refer to the U.S. in all official documents as Satan's Anus.

Asked about this, pollster Edward Bernays replied, "A lot of the mystery would evaporate if Americans only had a remote inkling of what is done in their name which apparently world wide is Satan's Anus.

For example, today's Washington Post reported on Colon Powell's trip to Colombia to throw more money, men and materiel at the problem of maintaining U.S. drug pre-eminence in the region.

Once again the FMLN rebel group was characterized in the article as a glorified drug protection racket. But what the American people, morons that they are, do not know is that when the FMLN rebels formed the peaceful, civilian Patriotic Union in order to run for public offices all over the country, The U.S. and their Colombian proxies murdered 5000 of them.

So other Colombians are going to look at the U.S. and say, 'So what's to love? You lure our sons and daughters out of hiding with a promise of peaceful elections and then you slaughter them. What do the American people think of this murder in their name?' Well, nothing because they are the fucking self-absorbed, self-righteous fodder of Satan's Anus. The rest of the world can't comprehend what idiots Americans are because they associate consumption, which is based on technology, with at least a modicum of political sophistication. Wrong."

"Ditto today's Post on Djibouti. The reporter writes, 'The Horn of Africa's impoverished nations yearn to cooperate with and receive aid from powerful Western countries.' Oh, yeah? Go to the center of Mogadishu and pitch that one."

"So like the U.S. popularity poll, the Post writer falls back on American popular culture, the intellect's equivalent of the AIDS epidemic. 'The only cinema in the capital was showing 'Black Hawk Down', she writes.' She neglects to report the cheers from the audience every time an American gets his throat slashed. She does quote Djibouti's director of Tourism, Mohamed Abwais, who as a potential victim of American foreign policy, pragmatically states, "They come, they take, they go. But we can't say no to America. You say no to President Bush and then, poof, no Djibouti." "Poof" is Djibouti slang for, "bomb the living hell out of..."

Meanwhile Secretary of Defense, Don Rumsfeld was laughing off the Albright poll. "Fuck the world! Satan's Anus Right Or Wrong! Anyway, Uzbekistan loves us. Can you spell Caspian Sea Oil?", a stain spreading like an oil slick over his light grey slacks.

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