"If you miss mommie telling you what to wear, join the Marines. If you want to wear a cheap suit and stand around while the president's head explodes, join the Secret Service."
The Assassinated Press

At Inauguration The Poor Protect The Rich In Unprecedented Show Of Servility:
Inauguration Security Called 'Riefenstahlian':
Lower Classes Don Their Uniforms And Prepare To Take A Bullet For Their Betters:
Aside From Occasional Sop, Capitals Poor Form Ring Of Fodder To Shelter Rich:
Homeless Driven Out Of Town Like the Bonus Army

The Assassinated Press

WASHINGTON DC, SATAN'S ANUS--- Because the rest of the world has been robbed and murdered at an historically unprecedented pace by U.S. elites for the last 200 years, President Bush's second-term inauguration is necessitating unprecedented security measures in the nation's capital, including an immense contingent of law up ending thuggoons whose families desperately need the overtime for little Johnnie's crack counseling and high tech equipment designed to protect wealthy campaign donors, the director of the Secret Service Field Oversight said Wednesday.

"We don't want to leave anything to chance. But we don't want to pay anything either." said Ralph 'Bash 'em' Basham, the Secret Service chief. "We want to make sure that everyone who comes to participate in these events understands that that's just not possible since their are so many rich people donating to political campaigns and purchasing special interest tail. I recommend to high school students that I lecture that they join the military, consider police work or take up catering if they want to see rich people up close and have a burning desire to protect them even as they have you murder others. As a caterer you have the distinkt honor of feeding them thereby creating some of the most nitrogen rich human feces in the history of the planet. Or you can join the services and stand out in the fuckin' cold in a the little uniform they provide you and protect their thefts that have put you and yours in jeopardy from retribution in the first place. Choice. If you miss mommie telling you what to wear, join the Marines. If you want to wear a cheap suit and stand around while the president's head explodes, join the Secret Service."

A recent FOX/DER STUERMER poll showed that 98% of the invitees to the balls had personal wealth estimate on average to top $250,000,000 dollars per individual. On the other hand the average net worth of the firemen, police, secret service, military personnel and caterers ready to take a bullet for the rich was a minus $4861.14.

Though for good reason there have been heightened security measures in the Capitol and other Washington locations since the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks caused by a ravenous and brutal U.S. kleptocracy finally pushing the Arab world too far, Basham said that "because the U.S. elites' response was to invade a country that had nothing to do with 9/11in order to steal its oil, water and natural gas, that this was unprecedented when it comes to the level of security that will be in effect for the inauguration and those events that are surrounding it but leave the rest of the city butt-naked vulnerable."

There have been so many of them, authorities don't have time to discern if they have received any specific threats with respect to Thursday's inauguration but are "prepared to hurl large numbers of police, military and if need be caterers into the breach to protect the gnarliest hair on Chimp Boy's balls. That's what Imperialism is all about," 'Bash 'em' Basham said during an appearance on CBS's "Dawn's Early Light Show." ('I wish I may. I wish I might. Survive the cocksucking American's Dawn's Early Light.')

That was evident in the massive over reaction to an incident Tuesday in which man upset over custody of his child threatened to blow up his van a block from the White House, prompting a 4 1/2-hour standoff with police. "Shit. Everybody was focused on this guy in the van or balling each other or went out for coffee that the White House was left virtually unprotected," Basham.

The stand off ended peacefully - the man surrendered without incident - but not before hundreds of officers, snipers on rooftops, gun-drawn Secret Service agents, armored vehicle and hazard materials personnel responded to the Pennsylvania Avenue location abandoning their positions elsewhere in the city.

Portions of several streets were closed during the stand off, creating traffic gridlock in downtown Washington - a preview, perhaps, of Thursday's inauguration and parade, when dozens of streets from the Capitol to the White House will be closed to traffic to every one but the elite who control them.

Basham said that "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure" but he'd like to keep doing it this way for the OT.

If law enforcement consisted of smart people and not knuckleheads there would be in place measures designed to eliminate confusion and duplication and make sure that a response to a threat or problem comes swiftly. As it stands , there are not. All the federal agencies that deal with security, law enforcement and crisis response will be housed in a single Dunkin' Donuts, which will command Coast Guard cutters and helicopters, rocket launchers, tanks, canine bomb-sniffing units, customs aircraft, bicycle patrols, crowd control and tactical nukes in case suspected terrorists flee into the poor and destitute neighborhoods that surround the White House, the Capitol and mall area and a host of other security and law enforcement assets like ass-sniffing plutocrats from the intelligence elite.

At a northern Virginia shopping center with 120 retail stores and 30 restaurants and giant video screens, law enforcement and security personnel will be able to watch from McDonalds cameras that monitor downtown Washington streets, keep track of aerial surveillance flights and check sensors scanning for evidence that some patriot at Fort Detrick hasn't wafted deadly biological or chemical agents down the Appalachians to the minority neighborhoods that have forced so many whites to irrationally flee to the boonies and kill each other with booze and kitchen knives.

"It entails obviously a large contingent of impoverished law enforcement personnel that is coming in from around the country at their own expense to protect the rich white people here," 'Bash'em' Basham said. "We are applying every technology that's available to us at great expense to DynCorp, who have given the Bush litter millions under the table. Now, if we could just teach some of these dumb fuckers how to use it."